Wednesday, 28 October 2015

BRR Below Deck S3:E1 More Foam, Bosun! Recap

Below Deck came back for season 3!! I KNOW!! It started a couple of weeks ago in Canadia (Customs liking to hold Bravo shows for STI testing for an extra week); let's start with episode 1, woo hoo!!

We start with RBFKate Poltergeisting and introducing the 5 new crew members. I'm sad to see that Kelley's massive torpedo went south, but glad too. He was a dick to Jennice and not in just a fun way, but yes, also in a fun way.

Bai Kelley, we'll miss your pants!
For the record! Staying from last season: Eddie, Kate, Captain Lee, and Amy. Logan and Ben may show up later. New members are: Connie, Rocky, Emile and Leon. Which means that BeejKat, Ben and SoftVoiceJennice are gone with Kelley.

Eddie is so adorable, his new Hugh Grant circa 1995 haircut is really working for him. Amy, BigDcikKelley's sister who pimped for him with Jennice last year, has been bumped up to Second Steward and that big Texan smile never falters.

Emile (NOT Emily, as it turns oot) is a pretty, pretty man with a hard to discern accent. Aussie? South African? English? We'll see!

Like a 1986 sunglass magazine ad
And now we have Don, the 2nd Engineer. He waxes poetic about the temple of the body and blah blah blah, I shall dub thee Meathead. He takes his shirt off a lot. That is not complaining.

He's actually bigger than he looks here
Rocky is up next and it takes a good minute or so to figure out what she looks like because she's already trynna get her feets up by her ears. Easy, Tiger! Plenty of time to mess up some throw pillows on this here yacht! She wants to be a Chef so my ears perk up while my eyes are narrowing. It's like I'm a cat and she is a can of maybe tuna and maybe kibble! She's gorgeous.

Connie blah blah surfer "not a lesbian, but I play a deckhand on TV and let women smear whipping cream on my nekkid bewbs" NEXT

There's a new chef!!! Leon. Hmmmm. I miss Ben! Is he gonna be inappropriate with the staff and defenseless home furnishings?? IS HE?? Time will tell. He also has a difficult accent to ascertain, Imma go with Kiwi cause he looks like an "und"er.

Captain Lee apparently decided that he was not putting up with the shenanigans of the old crew FOR ONE MORE MINUTE, and switched just about everyone out. Interesting. I look forward to MOAR SHENIGANS!

Kate arrives first to the Eros and she looks like she should be a yachtie. She is NOT HAPPY that Amy is her second in command, I'm sure this will roll just fine. Or be excellent. I vote for

Eddie is excited to start moving indoors from the deck and gets a Meathead delivery. Then Leon of the Indeterminate Accent shows up to meet Kate; he interviews that he's worked the four corners of the world and can we get a globe on set next time? Or a third grade planet mockup from Science Fair? IT'S ROUND.

Kate and Leon will be roomies and entirely too much time is spent talking about pillows. He likes two. He likes to be more up than down and I get it. Kate takes it as a Diva Chef warning, though. This is TV screen time, though, right? For pillow discussion? And then they interview about it? I like to be slightly up but never down, if this is a thing. You?

Apparently Amy and Eddie had some awkward boat crush convo at the end of last season, but that's all past as Eddie has a serious girlfriend. Also named Amy. I know someone like that!! He was in lurve with a woman for years, married someone with the same name, spelled slightly differently. You would THINK I would remember which one to put while addressing family Christmas cards. But you would usually be wrong.

Kate is thinking of a time, way back in the beginning, when she didn't actively hate Amy, and is wishing for the same. Hey, you gotta have goals! She and Meathead are old friends, I see a hug but no lipping, so we'll see. Another old Kate pal is Connie, who she talked into coming yachting. Hmmm.

We move into proper crew introductions:

Emile is South African! Woot! Knew it was one of those. He's absolutely gorge, if you're into pretty dewds with muscles, slightly overlong hair and bone structure and shite. (I could actually hear Veronica's interest double there)

Rocky is Raquel (with three other sisters named after actors too) and is Theatrical, which I totes couldn't tell with all the HI HI HI in the camera and singing. So beautiful, though.

Connie the Tomboy tries to flirt? I think? With Emile, who is polite and nothing else. Something about killing a gator and a truck and some beer and clothes coming off. Or a lion, um, behind her. A little hard out the gates, there, Con, save something for the home stretch.

Leon talk about his daughters and I can barely understand what he's saying. Gotta be Kiwi. Rocky gets her cooking wings clipped and sounds super happy to be folding crotchless ginch instead of plating lamb. I think she sees it as performing, because apparently it's a giant red flag that she doesn't like laundry. I'm with Kate, laundry is awesome, so relaxing and NEVERENDING.

Big Fambly Meeting in the kitchen where Captain Lee lays down the law; I love how many old-timey words Skinny Kenny Rogers uses. Let's count! None! WHUT?? I'VE BEEN ROBBED OF MY OLD TIMEY WORDS!!

We also meet two other non-photogenic crew members in more important positions, but we won't linger. Iffin I wanna see real people I don't need to watch TV. RockyRaquel interviews about the lack of bangability of Captain Lee and I'm pleasantly surprised. I know lot of dramatic young ladies that think that they can gain extry life experience and wisdom through the combination of their baginas and older dewds, good for her. Although you totally can. Mostly knowledge of how to apply an ice pack and / or make a good cuppa tea, but still! Experience.

RockyRaquel is annoying me already, that was fast! She flirts with Emile, who must be the get this season?, with lots of hip thrusting. He manages to make a bad joke AND puncture her performance in one sentence: he likes his women as he likes his coffee: blonde and with low self-esteem. Ftr, I like it sweet, creamy and able to peel paint. Read into that what you will.

We review the new Charter Guests! Sounds like we've got the Mexico TimeShare King coming with a bunch of paid companions who want a White Robe Dinner Party (??) and a rave. A rave. A RAVE. A foam party? I don't know that is but I hear they were big in 1997.

Kate and Leon are at the touching gloves point of sparring; sizing each other up and checking for weaknesses. I do find Kate refreshing in that she speaks her mind, but that can get old REAL fast if it's all pathological truth telling.

Awkward Bunkie time and RockyRaquel irritates me some more. I think she sees herself as acting the role of Steward and this will not go well. She's perky, though!

Yachtie Arrival Time! What a beautiful ship. I hope they don't do the usual drunken frat partying that so many did last season. Anyone wanna bet on a tip??? Cmon!! Imma say 15k

Everyone looks normal, not overly rich or botoxed or and then they ask to have Aerosmith brought to their boat. Huh.


Except for the lounge, which looks like a living room at a mid-level hotel. Meh.

Wow, Kate's Resting B+tch Face is epic this season; she better watch that. Out they go and I wonder how much it costs again to go on this lovely? The food looks sooooooo amazing. I'm leaning towards Leon having an Afrikaans accent now...but still mumbly. They give him subtitles, so it's not just me!

Huh. Steve the Charter Guest is wearing a too small tuxedo jacket to go jet skiing and thinks that Aerosmith is available OnDemand; Kate thinks he's her spirit animal, but she also said that about the guy whose towel she folded into peen, so I will reserve judgement.

Emile has a gf, kinda (no, then yes) and we see some more awkward flirting with RockyRaquel walking around with her arse up in the air. Literally. He is young, only 23, so I'm trying to overlook all the OBJECTIFICATION OF WOMEN ( a crew working together is NOT a selection for you to sample).

Eddie and Meathead have words; Meathead is getting above his station and wanting to use the controls. Um, Meathead: you're built like a brick poophouse, let's put those gym muscles to work, shall we?

CharterGuest Steve talks to himself about...peeing...? In the bathroom? And we all listen. I'm starting to think about the amount of time I spent writing that.

Nobody knows what a foam party is, but on they go! No word yet on Aerosmith RSVP yet. But first there is a Robe Dinner where everyone wears robes and bowties and no clothes? I love how a guest comes into the kitchen and asks Kate to just feed Steve water instead of vodka, like a Reverse Jesus. WHERE WERE YOU IN INDIANAPOLIS, REVERSE JESUS??

Ooooooohhhh Leon made an amazing soup that is assembled in front of the guests, I am all CulinaryGeeking out. It looks like split pea soup (but greener! does he blanche fresh peas instead of dried?? hmmmm) poured over some beautifully plated vittles. And the food is on time, so already I don't miss Ben. Oooooh and now surf and turf with a sangria jus with star anise and now my culinaryboner could cut glass. I like Leon!!

CharterGuest Steve is drunk AF and luvs everybooodddyyyy. Foam Party time! And glow sticks! So it IS just like a rave! From 1997. Even though Steve wanted foam up to his neck but TexasSmilePriceIsRightAmy sold the shite out of it and atta girl, he's happy. RockyRaquel crosses the line and flirts inappropriately AND ineptly, guuuuurl, don't start with the drunky millionaire unless you wanna finish. That's just poor manners and your mama raised you better.

Side note: the Jem remake makes me a sad panda.

RockyRaquel and Emile are STILL awkwardly flirting and I feel as though I could pick her behind out of a lineup at this point. I said behind because I feel like a kindergarten teacher with alllls the disapproval and frowning. I wouldn't be 23 for alls the bright green pea soup in the world.

We see the upcoming season promo; to sum up: Eddie cheats on the Other Amy, Meathead humps a doorway, RockyRaquel and Emile totally bone, Ben comes back (whut?) and Leon and RockyRaquel touch drinks (and each other?) while Kate picks up long haired townies.

So what did you think?? Hey!!!! We didn't find out the tip!! That's booshit! That's the whole point! *pout*


  1. Good lord I watched this a few weeks ago...I am pretty sure this is an all time low in TV.....I loved it!

  2. Replies
    1. Which Chef Leon said was pretty low because, you know, he has all this experience working on CRUISE SHIPS....

    2. 12k isn't bad! I'm wondering why they didn't show

    3. They did in the episode I saw but maybe it was the beginning of the next one, can't remember...

      Geez, now I've just admitted that I've watched more than one episode of this dross!!

    4. Oh I've got three left on my DVR, Imma watch them ALL!! And recap, yo

    5. That Rocky is Trouble with a capital T!

    6. Yes! She's bored and playing at being a Stew; she's gonna be a mess!