We left the last episode with Ryan, the prodigal white whale, returning to the octagon with a whole lot of hopes pinned on his muscular, sweaty chest.
We open with a clearly strung out NotJamieGoertz but Joanna Going (you memba, the FLOTUS on House of Cards before Claire took her out with surgical precision) mumbling about art classes.
So. Ick. Joanna is Going to have a gangbang with some extremely young looking college boys in a seedy hotel room; good lord. I am all aboot getting your swerve on however it verves, but these dudes are all very much younger than her sons and she looks beat. Thankfully, she has drugs! And lots of condoms. Man. Drugs are a horrible, horrible thing and nobody should touch the hard stuff ever, yo. I'm a square but that was rough.
Alvey scrubs the octagon and works out solo in his massive dirty, dirty gym and sustains a knee injury while lifting weights unspotted. Tsk tsk, ah never mind. Knee injuries suck. Ryan is working his own special hell with Rat Reapers Pest Control which is as imaginative as it is a fallacy. Nobody reaps rats. They gas or poison them.
Lisa and Alvey discuss the career of Ryan while Jay (he is NateBro and has a name and everything!!) calls her and she goes to bail him out of jail for smacking the cop. They do not think that shite is funny, even a little bit.
Nate goes to Physio and they have cool face puppets for pain judging! Cool! I am a light mauve right now. Nate is right back to adorable, god love him. I think we were supposed to be impressed with his ability to handle pain, but my mind wandered and I found myself thinking about how unhappy Nick Jonas perpetually looks. Even when smiling, he is always grave and I don't think I've ever seen anything touch him, really. I did a profile on him a while back and noticed it then. Still.get.JEALOUS.
Jay goes cruising for his mama, named Christina! We have a name! I wish everyone spoke people's names directly to the camera like that! He pays a pimp named Terry 300 bucks for an hour with his mother and Oedipus is laughing his ass off right now. I know I'm supposed to be sad, but I can't get over the fact that someone paid 300 American dollars for an hour with a 45 year old strung out prostitute.
We learn more about the teddy bear keychain from Ryan's pornstache roomie; I still don't understand why Ryan took his bear? Seems sadistic and I don't get it. Pornstache roomie has a fcuked up homelife and that's not surprising. Given he is emotionally connected to a teddy bear key chain.
Alvey goes to see Ryan's Parole Officer, to get permission for Ryan to work in his gym and coach and really: fight. We find out that Ryan actually went to jail for violently assaulting his own father IN a gym, and PO says no dice; I'm castrating this particular puppy. Always the salesman, Alvey decides to see if he can get Ryan fired from Rat Reapers and sure, he can. Just needs 5 grand. I'm sure his accountant slash lover slash gym manager will pony that dough up right skippy when she hears it's to ensure her ex-boyfriend will be training there all the time! For free.
Alvey decides to sell off an old trophy to fund the Reincarnation of Ryan; it's too meta there. The passing of the torch. I just used to bingewatch a LOT of Pawn Stars, though, trophies aren't worth shite.
Nate visits with his dad at the gym; who then gets his Ryan Parcel dropped off from RatReapers and FINALLY! Finally we're about to see what Iron Maiden is packing in the octagon. Which seems to be...not much. Old sore knee Alvey mops up the floor with him and Ryan freaks out because his flexibility and endurance is shite and he's scurred. Can I just say? They close this gym a LOT.
Jay is off at his fave bar harassing the shaven-headed bartender, who is again constantly in motion, making drinks for...nobody. There is never anyone else there. Well, there is now and Lisa is in the mood to drank. Sleazy yuppie (are there still yuppies?) slides a hand across her back and I wait for the CrazyJay train to arrive. Turns out she can handle herself, though, a lit cigarette to the neck is the perfect response to ''You're a pretty girl. You should talk less''. Lisa and Jay have a great time drunk monologuing about how she is gonna get him a fight and whee!! No way this will go wrong!
Ryan gives TeddyBearKeyChainSniffer a pep talk about how to deal with a bully while he sprays Axe on his wobbly bits and we get a primer on how to coach. It involves calling someone a female body part and punching through someone's face.
Nate and Jay bond over elbows to the ribs and bleh. A very hungover Lisa wanders in and I'd have stayed home. I mean. I get the charisma of Alvey all of a sudden and okay. He's a stinkin' liar, though, he doesn't tell her about selling the trophy, he says it is out for repair.
Jay and Christina have a lovely brunch reminiscing about GerberBaby Jay (pfft), and when her pimp shows up there is a tense standoff and here is what some men do not understand. Whatever Jay dishes out to the gun-toting Terry, Christina will reap it two times over. So you're not actually helping.
And we're out!