Tuesday, 27 October 2015

BRR Kingdom Recap S1:E1 Set Yourself on Fire

I will be recapping DirecTVs Kingdom starting tonight; all I know so far is the TwinkBait Nick Jonas is innit as a MMA fighter. Lessee!

We open with unidentified male swearing and running; like a low rent Joe MangeMange who does his best to deal with his anger management issues by getting into road rage incidents. While walking. I shall dub him Low-Rent Joe until I know wassup.

LRJ is also a trainer at a gym where everyone but Nick Jonas trains in ginch. He's double long layered. Also 4 women shine light up LRJ's bum for: marketing?

We get to watch a drug and alcohol test at a parole office, yaaay! Buddy is getting out! And is sufficiently hydrated, btw. He also looks like an Iron Maiden poster, apparently! POs are sooooo stuck in the 90s. I shall call him TribalTattoo and he will be our underdog.

We see NickJo throwing down with an actual MMA fighter by the name of Diaz, still double or triple layered. Dude. Everyone else may as well be nekkid, throw us a nip, yo. After a word with LRJoe, RealMMA throws it for NJo, hmmm

TribalTattoo shows up at LRJoe's gym looking just like a closely shorn Jamie Dornan, lessee what their backstory is! Brothers? But TT isn't even THINKING about fighting again; he's working on what he can handle. Emotionally. And what he can handle is cleaning toilets for free. Seems legit.

NickJo and Tribal go out for a walk and some water; I'm watching body language. Speaking of body language, the Navy Street Gym girls passing out flyers need to ease off on the hair swinging. Someone's gonna get hurt, yo.

So. Then there's NickJo's roomie in a culturally misappropriated First Nations headress and a condom, enjoying his similarly un-attired ladyfriend with very dirty feet. In NickJo's room. That is not right. NickJo almost gets a blowie off some high AF chick in the kitchen but seems to be holding off. I've seen everything on his roommate but his actual cack, I have no idea where to look. And he shady too.

LRJoe is living with ChristmasSparkleShirt, and apparently she is the MathildeAnaconda and he is the dewy, naive LottoFawn (you GOTTA read Fates and Furies).

We move onto group therapy with TribalTattoo, who is being JesseJamed by some random ex-con at the halfway house. Fight fight fight, I'm pretty sure they discourage that at halfway houses. He takes the bait, though, belying his desire to knock some heads.

A really uncomfortable looking car beej leads to some sterotypes finding a picture of LRJoe, who handed them they collective asses during the aforementioned road rage incident. Shoot up at Navy Street?

LRJoe throws a fit and shuts the gym down, giving us a chance to see TribalTattoo and the gym manager have an awkward ex-convo. Ryan! His name is Ryan! Ryan and ChristmasSparkleShirt have history.

NekkidRoomie has serious issues, NickJo finds him discharging a firearm in the back yard. At a dummy dressed in a Navy Street tee. And then we see obvio fcuked up roomie heating some H and it all makes sense. Music montage over ODing, gun play and NickJo training to make weight for his fight. Ominous gunshot and Nick collapses from dehydration

Weigh Day! And Nick's name is Nate! Yay! Covered in steroid bacne, he makes weight in nothing but what his mama gave him, the head shaving giving him that extra ounce he needed to lose.

Oooohhhhhh NekkidJunkieRoomie is Nate's BROTHER. And is a source of tension between Nate and LRJoe. Roomie is also alive and well and bounced on quite thoroughly by Ryan in the most annoying wake up call ever.

I have to admit, I find junkies boooorrring and repetitive, not tragic or interesting (okay, any more) so I blanked allllls the yakking with Ryan and NateBro.

Finally is the fight, NateBro shows up to be difficult and it works. Lots of sparring and whoever is bodydoubling for NickJo is pretty fast with his hands, anyway. Nick does all the face work, no worries there! "Ooooh look scurred! Now angry! You're a puma! You're a puma!"

We're in the octagon now; lotsa fast punches and quick submissions. I gotta say, RealMMA is kicking Jonai arse all over, but I bet he won't win. Nate isn't quite so pretty any more, but I still have my money firmly on that particular donkey in this show. Whoops! And he gets his bell rung. And comes back. I have to say, that is not normally how it goes...

Coolest referree ever (long mustache braids on both sides) rings them back in to hand SlowJo the keys to the Kingdom, hmmm. That was so unrealistic. I hope RealMMA got paid lots, anyway.

Sessy times all over the place; tragic hookahs abound and holy shite! One is Jamie Goertz and she's Nate's mom! Nobody tell Sandybrook! It would break his heart.

A well dressed power couple offers investing and backhanded compliments (my dad LOVED all your fights) and are shooed away by LowRentJoe, we don't know why.

Ryan opens up in group therapy just as AwkwardEx walks in, that's unfortunate timing. Self destruction as self-obsession. That.is.awesome. Stealing! Also work the bag and don't let the bag work you, but for different reasons.

Stereotype Gangbangers follow Nate on his ten-speed and then beat him presumably to death. Huh. Well. They had lead pipes because of course they did.

So. I don't know. I'm expecting a bit more action. And I don't mean just in the ring, there, TwinkBait! Have you guys seen it? Also: apparently LowRentJoe has a name: Alvey (because that is a name?) and he is actually Nate and NekkidRoomie's dad. My bad. Maybe that was explained during all the junkie yakkin.

See you tomorrow!

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