Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Beckymae Recaps Vanderpump Rules! S4E02 New Blood


Welcome to Beckymae’s VPR recap! It’s my first go at this so I thought I should start right at the bottom of the barrel of reality TV……good old S.U.R and the misanthropic cronies who dwell there. I still cannot believe that SUR stands for ‘Special Unique Restaurant’, I shit you not people, the imagination that went into this name was as stellar as Trump’s toupee.

So, I am guessing this ep is going to be all about the ‘fresh meat’ at SUR, pretty much every season starts like this, introducing us to a bunch of dewy-skinned newbies that will likely bring more dramz to the already dramz action. Today we meet Lala (seriously who da fuq is called Lala unless they live in Vegas and are married to a mafia boss called Lolo?) who Lisa thinks is going to ‘fit right in’ and by ‘fit right in’ she means that Lala has probably already had some sort of steamy encounter with a SURver. Oh, hang on! Cut to flashback scene where walking rhinoplasty expert Jax saunters past as Lala is being interviewed!

Oh, Hai Jax!

“Do I know you?” he simpers.
“Well, yeah, from that time you texted me,” Lala zings, turning to Lisa to say. “He is SO not my type,” which is code for “he is SO my type and I’ll bang him senseless this season and bring all the tearz to Jax’s Kentucky lover THE END”.
Cut to Faith, another new server seemingly being trained by Katie, lover of Tom Schwartz, resident Wet Fish and Ring on a String giver. Does anyone else think that SUR’s uniforms look a bit like they came off the set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV series not movie)? That’s some busted late ‘90’s Hot Topic action right there…..ugh. Faith is a woman of colour, is this the first time that VPR has had a person of colour as a main character? Good for you VPR, nice work but I give her three eps…

SMG wants to know if you want fries with that...

Katie declares that the job at SUR is ‘quite technical’….oh Katie…

In struts Scheana the failed pop princess and keeper of Eddie Cibrian’s herp, she is greeted by another new character Jesse who appears to be the new Sassy Gay Friend, although, like Faith the Token Woman of Colour, I am unsure as to whether we have seen the stereotype on VPR before. Scheana is very concerned about how drunk James aka DJ TrustFundBaby, got to be at her recent 30th birthday. Ummm, Scheana, you should know how people get drunk by now right? By drinking the alcohols?? Cut to James doing Fireball laybacks whilst falling into random people whilst his adoring GF Kristen bags him out to Lisa VP’s weird adopted son. Poor DJ TrustFundBaby, he’s British, only about 20 and he’s just trying to get turnt! These musty oldies are killing his vibe, man! Scheana’s birthday looked as much fun as a tinea would be for a man with no arms and if she is pissed because a couple of people actually got drunk and had some fun then she needs to sort out her world priorities.

My motto for life

The two big story lines this season appear to be DJ TFB’s apparent alcoholism (he’s not an alcoholic, he’s just British dammit!) and  Scheana’s apparent ‘fakeness’ to Ariana, the blonde Millennial version of Daria. I love Ariana, she gives no fucks at all about what anyone thinks of her and she does it with panache. I mean of course Scheana is fake, there’s very little that is real about her, she is the holder of Madge’s 1980’s persona FFS! Oh, but hang on, DJ TFB may have also been unfaithful to Kristen….dun, dun, DUUUUUNNNNN! 

Scheana is banging on about Uber receipts and how DJ TFB got an Uber with another lady who was not Kristen at 3 am and then took another Uber from his not girlfriend’s place to his at 6 am……hmmm, is something in the milk not clean? Scheana seems to think so but anyone who saw the state of DJ TFB last week would know that the Brewer’s Droop would have been verrrrry strong in that one. DJ TFB did what we have all done at least 80 times in our 20’s, started drinking straight spirits, thought he was invincible, discovered he was incapable of any motor skills or speech, GF backdoored without him and someone took him in an Uber because they felt bad leaving him. DJ TFB then woke up on said person’s couch and did his own 6 am backdoor home….done, case solved, Detective Scheana you may leave now.

Lala is back and she wants some time off to go to Italy for a ‘modelling job’, Diana the SUR manager gives her the side eye from Hell, we all know what Lala is up to….Yacht Girl or Saudi Prince play thing? Either way she is obvs not very good at it because she is working at SUR. Oh, Lala, how the mighty have fallen.

Jax the Nose turns up out the back of SUR, which appears to be the VPR equivalent of the Crew Mess (Below Deckers, SHOUT OUT!) with Brittany, his Southern Belle and latest victim. I love Jax, he’s like the puppy who never grew up, still humps your leg even though he was spayed ten years ago and won’t stop peeing on that one spot on your carpet. Katie and Scheana appear to like Brittany, how long this will last I don’t know. Jax wants to get Brittany a job at SUR, this is a Very Bad Move but we all know that Lisa will hire her because she has Southern Charm and this season will go to hell in a hand basket if she doesn’t. Even though Lisa thinks this is The Wrong Thing to Do, she tells her to come back with a resume and perhaps put some trousers on.

PUPPY!!!! Gordo is back! Gordo the poodle is the best thing about this show, kudos to Schwartz and Katie for keeping him alive this long!

Gordo and the Wet Fish

Schwartz declares that since Katie has really backed off on the whole ’marriage thing’ it has made him want to get married even more. Oh, Schwartz, this is the oldest trick in the book, the old Switcheroo! Katie ain’t dumb, she is playing the Long Game and I love her for it. In the meantime, Schwartz declares that him getting a perm (as in Permanent Wave) last week was so he could have a constant reminder of his commitment to Katie. This is a whole new level of WTF for me, it is like Schwartz thinks a lot of stuff but only verbalises about 10% of it and then talks and you think he’s taken about ten tabs of LSD with a ketamine chaser…

Oooooh DJ TFB and Kristen are about to have a showdown! Will they break up? Will they even actually speak? Oh yes, the Uber scandal erupts! Uber receipts are the new blue GAP dress! James makes the mistake of smirking when confronted with the evidence, we all know this to be a standard British face twitch but Kristen takes it the wrong way and she is Capital D-Done.

“James is not the same person I started dating last year” she tearily declares. No Kristen he is not, he is the new and improved version of James, drunker and angrier than ever.

How does Kristen drive a goddamn BMW? What does she even DO now that she was sacked from SUR? The mystery deepens, I am pretty sure it has something to do with t-shirts and statement necklaces…

The whole gang gets together to talk trash about Jax and his new girlfriend. Lala turns up, with Faith and Jax and Brittany soon after. This is going to be great! Schwartz and Jax get into a convo about how Jax has a foot fetish, not just any kind of foot fetish but a STINKY foot fetish. Oh Jax, just when we think you can’t get creepier…

Cut to an Instagram of Jax with girl-toes up his substantial nostrils….”I like cute feet, it’s not like I like getting peed on!” oh really Jax? I’m awaiting the Golden Shower confessions eagerly when your storyline dries up…

We wish Jax, we wish....

Fireball appears to be the new Patron which was the new Black Sambuca…
Lala is talking about her ‘modelling job’ in Italy….ArianaDaria gives her the best up and down ‘bitch please’ look I have seen in a while. Everyone else does the Coke Nose wipe and listens intently as Lala basically outlines how little she cares about her SURver job…gurl, you in danger! Katie tells it like it is “Why hire someone who basically cannot work?” word…

Cut to Kristen’s apartment which is a shrine to her a DJ TFB’s lurrrrve, she is day drinking out of a glass that says ‘Asshole’. Yes, yes you are Kristen, of the highest order. DJ TFB arrives and so do the surly, intense stares. Kristen declares that she learnt so much from her relationship with Schwartz….hmmm, really?

DJ TFB declares he is sorry but he smirks and laughs again, basically admits that he invited the other girl in but “they didn’t have sex but I 100% made out with her”. He also might have tried undressing her, took her top off…

“At this point I am just lying to Kristen so as not to hurt her,” DJ TFB admits. “Jenna and I were definitely BONIIIIING!”
DJ TFB may officially be my new favourite. You go, Glenn Coco!
“I still want you to be my girlfriend,” he coos with a little caress of Kristen’s cheek.
“James has had the balls to tell me the truth!” and with that, Kristin is not D.O.N.E anymore and the romance of the decade is back ON.
Sandoval and ArianaDaria are furniture shopping but Sandoval makes it sound like they are exorcising the ghosts of bromances and girlfriends past. Geez, sounds like you might catch something on that old sofa guys, better buy a new one.

“Well you could say that sofa was ruined by dogs,” says ArianaDaria. “One of them was called Jax and the other was a bitch called Kristen…” ZINGER! Sandoval declares that they are ‘adulting’, all I know is this vignette is boring…next…

Back at the SUR bar, Jax is haranguing Lisa about Brittany’s getting a job at SUR. They bat the idea around for a while and Jax admits he has a track record of breaking up with girls after a few weeks, this would not be good for business for Lisa. Yes, logic prevails! For now…
Scheana and Katie take a break from drying off their eyebrows (?) to bitch about Lala in the kitchen. Somewhere in that kitchen is a chef having a nervous breakdown because no one actually appears to do ANY work at SUR at all. I can feel the orders backing up and the jalapeno poppers going soggy!
Scheana says that Lala’s Instagram profile pic screams: “f*ck me in the ass” which it most certainly does…

Wut-wut in da butt!

They then get all Judgy McJudge-Judge on Lala’s ass. Scheana admits she has used her looks to ‘get stuff’ (gee that’s very oblique of you Scheana) on occasion but she would never be a Yacht Girl.
“But we all know the crowd Lala hangs out with always go on these sponsored vacations with rich, older men,” Scheana the Angel spouts. “They’re not modelling, they’re taking Instagram selfies on yachts and ‘probably’ giving blow jobs in order to be there.” YA RECKON, SCHEANA?

Katie does not  want to be a Mean Girl and ask her but she is ‘inquisitive’ so they go and totally Mean Girl Lala about her ‘modelling job’ to which Lala replies; “So Katie, you don’t think I could be a supermodel?” she really does need to seat more people in Scheana and Katie’s sections. If I was the manager of this restaurant heads would fucking ROLL!

Lala then ‘fesses up that the Italy trip is actually a free vacation, what? Stop…the…PRESS!

“What do you have to do for that?” asks Scheana.
“Well, luckily I’m just a fun bitch to be around so I get to keep my legs closed,” Lala is onto these bitches.
“What about your MOUTH?” Oh Scheana….ZINGA-ZING-BOOM!

Now I am not sure if anyone actually believes that Scheana and Lisa Vanderpump are really friends but Scheana seems to think so and whilst Lala painfully whispers “Please don’t tell anyone,” we all know that Scheana is gonna tattle her little tail right back to LVP on this one.

Back to Manufactured Drama Storyline #439, ArianaDaria and Scheana talk about how Krazy Kristen cannot stop texting Scheana and how annoying it all is. ArianaDaria the Truth Teller lists all the krazy stuff that Kristen has done but Scheana isn’t having it, so she meets with Kristen at her god-awful apartment. I mean, HOW many of your own wedding pictures can you have on your wall and don’t even get me started on the pleather couch from 1990…

Who's Grandad did ya steal that from, Scheana?

Kristen and Scheana bounce back and forth about her incessant texting. Kristen is annoyed that one of Scheana’s friends hooked up with DJ TFB. Scheana is annoyed because Kristen has basically destroyed every party and gathering she has ever had from time immemorial. Kristen is having none of it but it looks like this friendship is Done with, you guessed it, a Capital D. Much screaming about how nothing is any of their faults and thankfully….this episode is OVAH!

Wait, wut?? NO STASSI?? What happened to the Token Woman of Colour and Sassy Gay Friend? Ripped off to the max….see you next week thrill seekers!

27 comments:

  1. That.is.AWESOME, Becks!! I bow to the master! LOL oh Hai Jax!

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  2. I weirdly understood Schwartz's perm association and j think he's a pretty cool guy. What I don't understand is why Katie is so obsessed with him and SUR. She seems somewhat smart and suddenly I'm remembering how she acted season 1-2 and I'm taking back what I was going to say. Katie's grown on me though, especially since Kristen has revealed herself to be the worst human who ever existed on Bravo.

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  3. I weirdly understood Schwartz's perm association and j think he's a pretty cool guy. What I don't understand is why Katie is so obsessed with him and SUR. She seems somewhat smart and suddenly I'm remembering how she acted season 1-2 and I'm taking back what I was going to say. Katie's grown on me though, especially since Kristen has revealed herself to be the worst human who ever existed on Bravo.

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  4. Someone please explain to me how Jax is attractive, I'm just not getting it. Maybe its because I know what a creep he is. Not a bad dude, he just makes your skin crawl. I

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    1. I have a feeling he is really charismatic IRL, plus he does have that puppy dog charm too that a lot of women love. Plus, loathe as I am to say it, he's probably a bit of a freak between the sheets too I'd say....

      I'm off to have a Silkwood shower now....

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    2. Nooooo I'm giving my best Shannon Beador judgy eyes right now

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    3. I deserve those judgy eyes, trust!

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    4. I worked in hospitality for many, many years and I can tell you that too many drinks after a split shift will make you mack on some dodgy, dodgy blokes....

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    5. It's so true....it's such an incestuous group thing; you work opposite hours from anyone normal and everyone drinks like crazy and there's usually party favours and everyone sleeps with everyone. Orvi knows too!

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    6. Yep, I have some Shame Shags in my closet, that's for sure!

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  5. I kinda live Katie and Schwartz too, they are both so bland they sorta deserve each other. When Katie stood up to Stassi last season I loved her, she needs to do more of that!

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  6. I hate that I'm loving Scheana. She was on fire last night! Lala is such a planted cast member, I can't commit to her because I know she's just there to start bitchfests. It is funny how Scheana calls her out on the yachting. Takes one to know one! Although I would have thought the same and at this point I'm practically begging a wrinkled geezer to proposition me.

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    1. Don't say that gorgeous girl! You're barely

      HEY WAIT. YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER BIRTHDAY!!

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    2. It's never too late to be a Yacht Girl and by yacht I mean the Staten Island Ferry ;)

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    3. There is that San Antonio Riverwalk punter station...

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    4. Or the Manly Ferry....lol

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    5. Its true, I am another year older. I'm ancient by VPR standards!

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    6. But the best part is that they are all in their 30s!!! You got YEARS left!

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  7. Sorry for the 100 posts, I kept in getting excited and forgetting what I wanted to say. This show gets me going

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    1. Surely you know that there is never such a thing as overposting on Bookie?

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  8. My goodness. Long recap, but loved it. Great job, Becks

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    1. Hahahaa I know Charlie! Thank you! I am working on condensing the most vacuous parts for the next eps, but it's hard lol!!

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    2. Don't feel the need to condense. It was a very enjoyable read.

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