We are BAAAACK! VPR S4E5, it is time for some vacuous, titillating FUN!
We open with Lisa VDP taking the SUR gals shopping for '50's style dresses but really it's a ruse for her to chastise Katie and Scheana about mean-girling Lala. Blah, blah Lisa...you KNOW that if this mean-girling doesn't happen then there will be no story for the season.
Meanwhile, back at the Disgruntled Employee Ranch, Ariana-Daria, Jax the Nose and Sandoval are bitching about how wonderful they are and how unappreciated they are as employees. There's also a strapping dark-haired lad with them who seems to be some sort of clone of Jax? Maybe he IS a clone of Jax, that would be AMAZING! I mean there is so much of Jax's DNA floating around that I am frankly surprised this has not already happened...
In walks the new nemesis...Eric, bar manager of SUR and we can tell he is a 'take no prisoners', no bullshit kinda dude, the kinda guy you want around when the Zombie Apocalypse hits. I love him...the Short Man Syndrome is strong in this one.
Ken VDP awakes from his walking sleep apoena to give Jax a serve. "This guy is my Right Hand Man at Pump, right? You work when I tell you to work!" it's times like this that Ken's Cockney lilt come in handy, everyone is way more menacing as a Cockney.
Jax and Eric then proceed to have a major Cock Fight, like literally...each of them comes out swinging with dicks ablaze with zingers like "Ok then Big Dick, make us a cocktail" says Jax. "That's what your Mum said," zings Eric without batting an eye.
Faith No More is here, yay! Hang on, she's gone again... :(
Scheana has Things Going On, she doesn't want to talk about it which means she will totes talk about it after the ad break....
Lisa VDP moves on to quizzing Lala the Failed Yacht Girl about her 'modelling job'. Oh, you in danger girl! Lisa VDP is onto your little red wagon! "You didn't really have a modelling job though, did you?"
Lala admits to being 'a little bit of arm candy' whilst expertly playing with her hair. She then pulls out the big guns...."I hadda can the Italy trip and go and see my Mom, I had a breakdown." Oh, Lala, it's too early for this much emosh...turn it down a little! The Victim Card has been PLAYED...Lisa VDP loves to mother and Lala rests her head down for an adoring scratch.
Scheana is not dealing with life, something BIG is going on..."Sorry, I just needed to get away," she is sobbing to Katie about husband Shyboy Shay who is drinking all the dranks and not happy, so unhappy he is staying at his parent's.Ruh-roh....this does not bode well for our fave newlyweds.
"He's just unhappy, so unhappy and I don't know why!" hmmm, could it be the pleather couch and insane amount of wedding portraiture on your apartment walls, Scheana? Your decorating skills are enough to make anyone crazy...
Katie is suitably shocked and sympathetic at these revelations.
"It's so hard not having him at home," Scheana is taking the Ugly Cry Face to new levels. "I just want him home every minute of every day!" Ah ok, that's just stalkery Scheana, calm the fuck down gurl.
I shoulda tried harder for Eddie Cibrian!
Lisa VDP walks into Pump with a swan, an actual swan...WTF? She rules the world...
The waitress version of the Disgruntled Server Posse have gathered for some training at Pump that they feel they don't really need. I mean, wut? All you need to do is watch the opening credits of this show to see that these people have no clue what they are doing, spilled drinks and dropped trays EVERYWHERE!
Everyone's favourite Wet Fish, Tom Schwartz appears to have booked a job! Woohoo, you go Glenn Coco! He looks like a mentally challenged kid in a candy store when he is introduced to the hot girl he's going to be posing with. He goes in for the Bro-Hug with the photographer, but he's SHUT DOWN, no hug for you Wet Fish!
"Modelling has always been streaky for me at best," he opines over a gorgeous montage of professional shots. Ya reckon Schwartzy?
Look Ma, I'm on one leg!
He's saving money for 'something big'...hmm, a ring on a rope maybe?? He and Katie are in a 'good place', such a good place that he has declared them to be "TomKat" again. Well, I bet Katie Holmes is happy that moniker has gone to a great home...
Last week saw living, breathing Richie Rich doppelganger, DJ TrustFundBaby admit that he 'boned' (srsly, is that still a thing?) some random whilst he was completely white girl wasted and wearing a wig that made him look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
DJ TFB is the non-Tom Selleck one
Now he and Kristen have made up and are in lurve again, playing footsies in a hot tub which is making MY footsies itchy as hell #tineatown.
DJ TFB declares that the sex he had with Jenna was awesome, but he does really love Kristen. This leads me directly to the greatest GIF of the week! I present:
the Greatest GIF in All the Land
Kristen is trying to have a Deep and Meaningful Conversation with DJ TFB who tries to get involved, but Krazy Kristen just talks over him because really it is all about her and her opinions which are that they have problems that they don't really ever address after every single fight they have. DUH...
"You know, it's really because I don't trust you," he manages to butt in. Ohhhh, here go hell come! Somehow a lunch that KK had with Jax the Nose a few days ago is responsible for all of DJ TFB's insecurities when really we all know it's because he is 22 and has no clue.
Cut to Lisa VDP calling out Katie and Scheana again for mean-girling Lala. This is the cue for Scheana to lose her shiz because she has 'bigger things going on in my life than worrying about Lala'.
Lisa VDPsays that Lala is going through a lot right now and has barely caught her breath when Scheana moans "So am I and I GUARANTEE what I am going through is bigger," oh, let the victim competition BEGIN!
The Couch of Doom is leaving the Sandoval/Arian-Daria building. I'm surprised that it didn't carry itself outside...hang on, it's Faith No More with a U-Haul truck! Faith, this is one hand-me-down you should be putting in the Do Not Want pile...she's not long for this world, people...
"I'm so excited to sleep on this thing!" she cries as the two strapping lads carry her on her new throne to her U-Haul...
Sandoval and Schwartz tell her she should at least steam clean it or maybe get one of 'those ice scraper things' before she does. Def needs the Silkwood treatment...
Are Jax and Lala gonna bone? Does a puppy need to hump a leg? Jax declares that he 'doesn't gossip' which is the most laugh out loud moment I've had so far this season, he hardly says it with a straight face himself and Lala is having none of it.
"From what I've heard, he gets around,' Lala says to camera. "You get 'Jax'd' apparently....I don't know what it means..." oh yes you do Lala, oh yes you do. "But it sounds fun!"
Lala reckons she's a 'girls girl' (cue Boom-chicka-wah-wah music) but because she's been iced by Katie and Scheana she has 'no choice' but to hang with the boys.....hmmmm...
Despite his dopey demeanor, Jax the Nose is often the voice of reason. "With Lala I see a few red flags....she's blonde, she's beautiful...she's trouble."
Lala reels in the big fish by declaring that she's been single for three years, nothing like a few potential Snatch Cobwebs to challenge a red-blooded man!
Ariana-Daria arrives a Scheana's scary apartment where Scheana is doing even more scary decorating whilst the many eyes of Scheana stare down from the walls. They chat about how disgruntled they are, but it doesn't take long for Scheana's tears of doom to start.
"He's just been self-medicating, he's just not happy," she says of Soused Shay. Ariana-Daria is as shocked and aghast as everyone that they are having Problems because they are the Perfect Couple.
But then she has a day out with Schwartz to go RING SHOPPING! The jeweller pours some champs, but I think that Schwartz probably needs that plus a Xanax.
"I want the perfect ring for the perfect price," he says whilst admitting that he still has student loans and that he just 'ran into' Kyle Chang Jeweller like it was kismet. Kismet my ass #productplacement.
Look at all da sparkles!
"I'm going in here with such a low ball mentality" oh Schwartz, you wet fish you.
The ring is going to cost a minimum $7k large, Kyle Chang Jeweller tells Schwartz "You can sell some of your stuff, like your car..." hahaha your soul maybe? Oh, hang on...
Scheana plays around with her own ring, telling the boys about the next ring she wants and how she can't be seen without her ring because TMZ might think she is getting a d.i.v.o.r.c.e, which leads them to ask when she last spoke to Soused Shay. "Hmmm, around four days," FOUR DAYS? Ring TMZ, code RED!
Schwartz says yes to the ring and everyone cheers's with a loud "ABOUT FUCKING TIME!" What a way to start a commitment, eh?
Anything's an upgrade, right Katie?
Meanwhile, back at SUR Scheana is testing Jax the Nose's cocktail making skills, seems no one wants to make the new Pump cocktails and no wonder, they sound FOUL. Sandoval jumps in to ask her if Soused Shay is ok because he hasn't heard from him either. OK VDPR, we get it, Soused Shay is the major story line this season! How many times can Scheana has the exact same convo with everyone about her pill poppin', tequila-mad hubby?? It's new depths of boring even for this show.
DJ TFB is setting up for his 'gig' at SUR and by gig we mean he's plugging in his iPhone, logging into Spotify and playing the latest EDM Playlist. Of course this happens to unfold right in for on failed Yacht Girl and Hostess with the Mostess, Lala and DJ TFB goes in For The Kill, she may even be Down With This! Much gland rubbing from both sides and discussion about how Mean the girls are and how Lala like to f*ck other people's boyfriends.
"Let's be real now," she says. "Do you have my back?"
"Yeah, baby!" DJ TFB has her back for sure, just not in a good way.
Whilst Lala doesn't normally go for the skinny, blonde dudes but 'there's just something about James...maybe it's the accent??"
Would you trust this man with your back?
Faith No More makes a brief appearance but WHERE IS SASSY GAY BFF, Jesse????????
Scheana sits down with Lisa VDP for the big D&M....blah, blah, blah...my hubby's a drunk...end of. She just takes 400 years and a pair of mink lashes to get to that point. Lisa is Shocked and Dismayed and Concerned...end scene.
APB being sent out for Sassy Gay BFF, I had such high hopes for him....what will happen next week? Will Soused Shay end up Odom-ing at a titty ranch in Vegas (too soon?), will Faith fall asleep on the couch of doom and wake up limbless? It's all too much fun, Bookies, till next week!