Wednesday, 11 November 2015

BRR Après Ski Recap S1:E2 Cold Feet

Back to Canadia and the cold, woo hoo!

We left self-proclaimed adrenlaine junkies Courtney and Royden crying like little hungover Surprise Vegans on the Peak to Peak gondola asking for a refund which is straight up bulllssshiiiittttt.

Charlotte takes the eject call from Elise, who is dealing with alla dis and Kendra snacks. This is alllll Kendra's idea and plan and she could not care less if it was covered with peanut butter.

And they're off. Now THAT is a bust. Kendra gets sent in for damage control and she interviews that yeah, maybe she should have told them what they were doing first. The clients get their lunches to go in plastic takeout containers and HONESTLY. A real high end concierge would have had A) a backup location/plan B) that plan in action as soon as the eject call was made. Come on! Clients are PISSED.

This is mental: Bobby says that helicopter spa-ing to that dirty rocky hot spring was TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. He also says he was wearing panties so maybe he's just an exaggerator. Those were Hanes His Way all the way.

They revisit as a team and Elise gets to explain the mess to Tamara, who puts her concerned face on when told it's a "mixed basket". Mixed bag maybe? The clients really should have been told they were going on a gondola and mebbe a BACKUP PLAN.

The concierges all drink; Bobby and Charlotte try to creep Kendra into the hot tub; she demurs. They take it personally, as though she's avoiding bonding on purpose, but she's used to living alone and I have to agree with her on that. Hot tubs are iffy at best with me and ones full of drunk, obnoxious people I DON'T want to bang? Pass

Lynsey is leaving to do a photo shoot in the bumhole of Canada, Revelstoke. I think it is HILARIOUS when people talk about how fantastic small BC skiing towns are because most of them are holes. Like Revelstoke! Don't get me started on Radium Hot Springs! But really, enjoy. Just don't step off the resort EVER. Also? Charlotte has a deeper voice than Bobby even,  and he's totes a baritone.

They meet back in the office to discuss what happened last week and how it could have been handled better or prevented all together and I'm digging how assertive Jim is. He will carry your bags for you, but he isn't taking on any unnecessary baggage, yo. Management doesn't quite know what to do with that. Kendra is just now starting to understand that the project she designed but didn't tell the client about AND refused to serve all went south and she is very much to blame for same. She's uncomfortable. I feel like that when I'm bout to be fired too. Best part about blogging for free while my children sleep? Lack of bad feedback. And no yucky money to dull my artistic spirit *coughbullshitcough*

New richies! From Kelowna. Hey I grew up in Kelowna! Beautiful, orchards everywhere when I lived there, but now a mini-Vancouver and you can't swim in the water. The Ogopogo used to be the problem;

Now its industrial waste. ANYWAY, the new clients are two families headed by Kim & Greg and Erin & Doug. All together they have six children that they have named in the most predictable fcuking way possible. I mean. Hudson, Madison, Jaxon (Vanderpump Rules whut whut! ! That is not a good thing) and Graydon, Ryder and Aspen. I can almost smell the Goop website subscription from here.

They call these families foodies and even the kiddos. Right. I think we need poor old tortured Ray from True Detective to give us feedback on 7 year old foodies named Aspen. Jim is cool witit because he has 6 nephews but no desire to make some babies right now. Which is good, because I don't think you CAN make babies by smacking one hand into the other.  Pretty sure!

Oh and they have a pet to take care of! Harold the Skinny pig and someone needs to shoot me right now.

Jim knows what's up and already has a plan; there is a remote lodge they can snowmobile up to and someone can arrange fondue and yay! Done! Kendra is doing that thing where someone knows nothing but still wants to be seen as a team player, a la "I've never been on a snowmobile, but I could help?". Never been on a snowmobile. This is not really the time to learn,  izzit? With 400 kids to try and keep safe? Nobody wants to be chasing her ass all over the mountain so they ignore her repeated profferings of assistance.

Jim asks Charlotte and Bobby to help out instead and Kendra literally throws down the gauntlet in the form of a furry boot. Guuuuurl. Okay, you got cute boots. You have never been on a snowmobile and you can't even be considered a good bet to keep YOURSELF safe, let alone 400 kids. ATTITUDE.

Kendra gets put on Harold the Skinny Pig. Maybe in between, she could practice snowmobiling!

Two different clients are looking at renewing their wedding vows, as their first ceremony was in Vegas 53 days after meeting, and they are all about serenity and blah blah can anyone hear that and not think?

There is an Inukshuk that is iconic to Whistler, and that's surprising. Inukshuks are typically found in Eskimo and First Nations-dense areas; they're quite beautiful and have a depth of meaning not usually found in....Whistler. Oh! I looked it up, it's from the 2010 Winter Olympics, of course! Duh!

Kendra is assigned the vow renewal, and that makes sense. She's more of an events coordinator but. She's never served anyone ever. How can you be in the hospitality industry but never have served anyone? Can we get her a quick internship at Wendy's pleez?

Elise and Tamara are ON THIS. Jim is great and respect. Kendra eats. And doesn't understand how street lights work. Let's let my three year old explain it: RED MEANS STOPPPPP, MOMMY!!!!

In between shopping for popsicle sticks (cinnamon sticks are NOT THE SAME), Charlotte decides to move into Bobby's room and that's kinda cool that they are such good friends. May never a whiff come between a hag and friend.

Client meeting! Elise calls herself a one and done kinda mom;  no more kids popping out of her vajajay! Which is not at all how that works, silly Elise. First they stick a giant needle in your spine and then they cut through several layers of fun size chocolate bars to get to the baby! Then they do the reverse and I'm sorry if anyone threw up just then.

The kids are SUPER excited about the snowmobiling trip! Then we meet the pet and Elise has to be nice and touch it. When one of the moms introduces Harold The Skinny Pig as the newest thing, I hope she's being ironic because I hurt myself last time I had to roll my eyes that hard.

The next morning Jim is concerned because of weather, and you know who should really be concerned?  Kendra. She's wearing a wrap poncho in -10 with everyone else in good parkas and scarves. One of the moms has even covered up her cleavage, so you know it's serious. You know us chubbies like to play up the girls!

Kendra gets the pig and Charlotte sets the table and we're off! This would be a BLAST as a kid! Jeebus until Jim's snowmobile tips over with a kiddo on back. Everyone's fine and hey! Aspen is a girl. And she is fine, just jumped off and no harm no foul. Bobby interviews that Jim pretends to be a know-it-all and it was totes his fault, and why you gotta go there, Bobby?? Why so bitter, bruh?

These kids are actually not even aholes, yay! They yell "yahoo fondue!!" really loud and man I love kids. They have a joie de vivre adults forget and just to be around them is life affirming. You know; in short bursts. Bobby isn't having any until he can have a nanny and he wants to be the mom anyway. And it's so cute that he thinks he won't have to clean up hot chocolate then! He so will.

Kendra settles in for a night with the skinny pig, which doesn't sound all that different from a lot of nights in my twenties, except the skinny bit, and takes alll kinds of creepy selfies in her bra with said pig. Feed and water it, Kendra, it's not your dress baby!

Kendra is working on the vow renewal NOW, which...I mean. They had three days lead time, right? If you don't even have the ice sculpture arranged and THAT was for sure discussed at the meeting 3 days ago. I fear for Kendra's glossy glistening lips and time on the show. Unlike every other show ever that hypes this shite through editing, we've actually seen this team fail. Epically. Thanks, Elise!

They're making maple syrup rollups in the snow in the lodge with the kiddos and it's really cool. Jim is really chill and great with kids and even BitterBobby has to give him props for that. Jim's reward for being so good with the kids is: MOAR time with the kids! Sure! Have some guy you just met take 6 of your kids skiing, good thing it's not a dangerous sport! I grew up in and around the ski hills of BC my whole life and I didn't go on one school ski trip that didn't end in some kid dying or almost dying running into a tree.  For REALS. So. 6 kids one guide...being a rich parent must be AWESOME!!

The concierges make it back to the house,  where skinnypigsitter Kendra is all excited because she pulled an ice sculpture out of her arse (that sounds uncomfortable! ) by way of Vancouver but Jim and team have had a long day and they don't wanna work right now, Kendra!! Plus;  she had three days for that and we refuse to be excited about her incompetence-related dramz day saving.

Kendra tells Bobby he's on whatever the vow renewal version of a eulogy is (I don't know, but you know what I mean, right??) and he grudgingly digs out his laptop. Kendra does not get it. People worked ALL DAY keeping 6 motherfcuking kids happy and snowmobiling up a hill while you took creepy bestiality selfies with a hairless guinea pig. They TAHRED.

And ski day for Jim! Do they have insurance for this? If they lose even one of these pretentiously named far so good. I still cannot BELIEVE these parents just assigned an entire day of skiing of their clearly precious (but pretty cool) offspring doing a dangerous sport with someone they met yesterday.  I need to pull back on my Smother here, it's getting repetitive.  Just read everything through nail biting.

The vow renewal! Kendra has learned her lesson and it very clear with EVERYTHING that will be happening for the vow renewal for Graison and Trent. I mean. Graison and Trent. These are not names, people, these are fancy paint colours at Benjamin Moore.

Can I just say? The reception sounds hella...typical. Champs and roses and an ice sculpture and an anachronistic Inukshuk...NewAgainBride says she will be wearing something revealing and wonders about weather and I call PNina Tornai slutty wedding dress, woo hoo! Say Yes To The Dress crossover!!

Fingers crossed! !
Except it would be the Canadian version: "Beauty, eh?"

Tamara isn't taking any chances with the vow renewal and is planning to attend. If I were the clients, I would wonder about the big cheese from Gibbons Life attending,  but hey. Make or break time for Tamara!

Last run for the kiddos down the mountain and they take so long waiting for the seven year old  twins that the hill closes and they get to take snowmobiles down.! Says the kids.  Jim is no longer sure he wants to procreate, going back to practicing.

Back at the vow renewal, dang it, Graison went with an implant-baring coral dress and not a slutty PNina. She's also wearing heels, which Kendra keeps telling people to do. THERE IS SNOW ON THE MOUNTAIN KENDRA. Ain't nobody can walk in heels on that! You know what else is on top of a mountain outside in winter? Weather! Like: wind! Sigh. These people are clueless.

The bride is complaining about walking out in that inappropriate but sexay as hayull footwear; awesome hubs steps up and says she wanted an adventure, yeah she's gonna do it! And she does! She steps out in those ridiculous heels and Bobby helps. Kendra...honestly. She watches while Bobby saved the day.

We all cry during the vow renewal ceremony and he gives her an ENOURMOUS ring. Wooooowwww. Me and Bobby are gonna jack her for that later.

So everything went well! And thank goodness, because big big head kahuna Joey Gibbons is there to discuss. And while I don't blame him, or Tamara, for being concerned about how this fledgling start up is going, this much pressure can actually undermine a team. Joey and Tamara are planning to attend this postmortem meetings weekly, wow.

Most of the feedback is positive, but a red carpet would have gone a long way towards making sure. Backups and backups!  Clients at this level are paying for that detail shite. On the other hand,  apparently one of the twins complained about having to be taken down the mountain. Hmm. The parents said it was worrisome? What?? And! Oh well, Tamara sticks up for Jim. She undermines her second in command to stand up for someone Elise directs.  You do not see that happen very often and I have to wonder if Tamara and Joey have decided that the problem is really Elise.

The concierges go for supper and there are some strange dynamics at play here;  Jim says he wants a Fat Tug, which also sounds like a lot of my weekends when I was in my twenties, and when Bobby pipes up with a "I'll give you a Fat Tug", Jim rolls his eyes but not in a good way, but like in a "ohmiGAWD there he goes AGAIN. I am SO NOT A PIECE OF MEAT, BOBBAY. It's NOT OKAY. THIS IS WHAT I DEAL WITH"  with none of the fun implied there. Charlotte goes on to explain that she knows Bobby is super horny because their spoon sessions have gone the way of the poker. Kendra doesn't understand how people can talk like that. It's written all over her face.

Bobby and Kendra discuss the show and argue about Kendra barking orders.  Jim suggests they treat it like constructive criticism and Kendra shows she understands by asking who hates her. Sigh. You know those people that manufacture excitement and dramz by not doing shite when they're supposed to?  Also the same people that are the quickest to assume EVERYTHING is personal. We're probably exhausting to be around but some of us have glossy glistening lips.

Kendra passive aggressively says she's just going to listen and not talk, which is not a conversation and certainly isn't constructive. Bobby thinks he's explaining the issues he's had so they can work them through,  all Kendra is hearing is blah blah jealous blah blah we don't like you blah blah. She cries while saying "it's okay" because that is what crying during dinner looks like: okay. Relationships, even work ones, are hard, yo! I think the real issue is that they are all very different,  but have to live together.  There is NO alone time and while Charlotte and Bobby are as close as a hag and friend can be...They are nothing like Kendra. Separate condos! They're not 14 year old models going on GoSees together, they're grown peeps! Treat them as such.

Anyway, now that I've expertly psychoanalysed the entire cast with my armchair knowledge, what did you think? Good show so far?


  1. Char makes me stabby.

    I can feel for Elise, professionally. She's has high expectations and is with a group of people who for the most part seem happy to say "fuck your expectations, boss lady". I get that whistler is laid back but that doesn't mean you can't be laid back and still look professional.

    I really like Kendra but boy oh boy s she sensitive. That's going to be obnoxious by episode 4.

    1. I don't like Char either! "I can feel your dick in my back"??

      I was really surprised when Tamara undermined Elise like that and I agree about the look too. High end is not plaid and toques, unless it's designer. I still think that only applies to meet and greets, not the snowmobling or skiing times

    2. I get what Kendra is going through, nobody likes to feel as though they're being discussed as "the problem" within a group, I just don't think its a good fit with her and everyone. She's not even city, she's just classy, and they not

    3. Kendra is serious about her work and they not. I didn't think about her just preferring to be alone since she lived alone, that's very true. Going from living alone to living in a full house can be overwhelming at times. All your space is suddenly everyone's space and everyone also happens to be Char, Bobby, and Jim. Yikes.

      Speaking of, plaid is totally okay for the adventure outings IMO. every other time should be profesh and also practical when needed. Char's outfits aren't bad at all, they just all look the same. Kendra sure does love that plaid poncho and gold circle necklace with the black ball. Drink every time she wears either one! Double if they're worn together!

    4. That's the other part for sure; I was part of a very small family growing up, and all very separate as well, and hubs has a MASSIVE family and I found it so overwhelming at times. It's a down time thing as well for them

      I don't think they should wear uniforms, though, I think that would mark them as middle to lower end concierges

    5. Gah uniforms. They barely even work on Below Deck, their fancy white ones are my favorite. I'm thinking like no light wash jeans, casual but stylish button ups, blazers, business casual for fancy people. Jim and sometimes Bobby are the ones who can step it up. On the flip side, Elise looks like she is managing a club on the side.

      I think I'm putting way too much thought into their profesh dress

    6. I think Charlotte and Bobby can look good, def sweaters needed on the men and NO STANKY TOQUES. Maybe even slacks. But Lynsey, no way any day for any of that. She's a professional skier and has a reality show. The End.

    7. Lynsey hasn't been around enough to know if I like her or not. Def don't like the spelling of her name

    8. I'm recapping Project Runway at the same time and there's a Lindsey on there and its like they're fcuking with me!

  2. Also, why do I feel like Harold's adoption coincidentally coincided with an appearance on a reality TV show? I could be wrong, Hairless Harold is the newest pet craze, you know.

  3. I'm posting as I read and wtf that dress is the exact same dress that is on my TV during say yes to the dress right at this very moment. Some twilight zone shite right there!

    Seriously though, wtf. Are you a witch?

    1. Really??? I am totes a witch! And that looked like classic P'Nina to me! All her dresses are seethrough and tight and sooooo so Vegasy and they LOOK like Fredrick's of Hollywood but cost the EARTH

    2. Most brides gush about Pnina just to name drop. "I'm in looove with Pnina and Lazaro. Her skin is my dream dress".

    3. It sums up a particular taste level immediately

  4. Okay, reading your recap has made me realize Kendra is really terrible at her job. I think I was blinded by her normal, intelligent personality in the premier.

    1. She just doesn't seem to realise what is required for the job. The fact that she has never served before is KEY. If you haven't had to meet needs at that so basic level,you really can't do it at any level

    2. Because this job is so much more about the hospitality industry than event planning

    3. She even sucks at event planning though. They want serenity so she plops them on a blustery mountainside in heels and a maxi? What would you have done? The InukShuk was cool, but I feel like there are so many more beautiful, serene options.

    4. And outside! Who wants an outside wedding in winter on top of a mountain! She said she was wearing revealing, although not the PNina. Pout. And no carpet, or a backup plan or anything. Bull.spit

  5. Damn you, making me rethink my life and shite. I do feel like Elise should he held responsible for the shittay events, she's their boss lady and should make sure they are crossing t's and dotting i's, especially after last week. She doesn't really manage them, but at the same time these people aren't really professionals. They're on Bravo's newest dramfest

    1. I've seen Elise before, she was on Hell's Kitchen. She was a hellraiser that took no prisoners but at the end; did not have the confidence to pull it off. Do you remember the premiere when Lynsey asked her what her role was and after she answered "Your boss" everyone laughed and she looked confident and then cut her eyes every which way? She doesn't ever know if they're laughing at her or with her and her lack of confidence will affect how effective this team is. She thinks a show of strength will work best, but it won't if there's just a paper tiger behind it

    2. I've gone in too deep!! Someone help pull me out!

    3. Noooo that's exactly what I'm feeling. I've spent over an hour devouring this recap and analyzing every. single. line. like my life depended on it. I take Bravo very seriously apparently.

      Speaking of, do you get peoples couch? Hilarious! Not really recapable though, since its a recap show. Highly recommend.

    4. I saw it once! It was very funny, but yes, recapping a show with people watching a show would be just too META

    5. Last nights was excellent, I laughed out loud the entire show and not because of the pot. Okay, that might have a little something to do with it.

  6. Speaking of Bravo shows, just got the Below Deck recap up!

  7. I found all the old Peak Season episodes on CraveTV! Squee!!!! I am SO gonna compare venues! !