Wednesday, 11 November 2015

BRR Below Deck Recap S3:E12 Dirty Laundry

What's up Below Deckers? ? Woo hoo!! I said dEckers, yo!

It's been a sexapalooza on board lately,  with the laundry room frothing between RockyRaquel and Eddie and the sexual tension between Ben and Kate; did anyone see that coming last season? He bounced on Kat and that unfortunate seahorse pillow but I don't remember those two being all up in each other's grills. Side note: I've been listening to Ignition:Remix a lot lately, so expect some bad bad R Kellyness! Beep beep!

Everyone is somberly preparing for charter and Emile wrangles up his bestie RockyRaquel for a chat. She decides this is the time to spill the beans about Eddie and I dunno. Emile probably still thinks he has a shot with her. Her turning Emile into a friend to listen to her tale of fcuk / chuck woe by Eddie is maybe...illadvised. She doesn't listen to her elders and he pretends that it's hilarious. And brings up Eddie's girlfriend. Completely devoid of self awareness, RockyRaquel continues to complain about feeling used...while using Emile. They all larf and larf about silly Emile being jealous about not getting in there before Eddie...oh my BOB. He's upset OF COURSE. And she brags about their fling and how they did it and. HONESTLY. Should have kept that trapped in the closet. Whoa.

Ben and Kate flirt and she's ginchless and man. I thought it was better when she was happy but DON'T THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU NEVER SHOWERING, KATE! Crusty bagina plus no ginch. So.much.ick.

Emile is just MAD. At Eddie, whom he respected, at RockyRaquel, who he had no claim over AT ALL, but who has been using him for emotional support lo these several weeks.

New Charter guests! And this meeting in the wheelhouse goes just as well as the last one! Do you think Kate deliberately baited Leon until he left / got fired so she could get Ben back?? Things are running so much more smoothly! Just bumping and grinding along.

New guests like Greek food, me too! Extry tzatziki for me!! This is actually the last charter and I'm sad. RockyRaquel and Eddie talk and it's all barbed words and word traps and he blames everything on her in interviews. I lose more and more respect for him every time he talks.

Emile is all pouty and butthurt that the girl he likes (who was very clear about not liking him) and his boss (who he still works for and whose personal life has no bearing on Emile's employment) were banging right under his nose while he was making stucco in his bunk. He chooses to leave, bowl in hand, as Eddie is explaining the work he wants done and...really?  You have not one tiny manscaped toe to stand on, Emile. Suck it up. And do your job!

He does not make good choices and calls Connie a whore because THAT'S mature! Connie has done nothing to indicate she performs sexual acts for money while she stacks patio furniture! Plus, I hate that people use that as a pejorative. You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself, "it's French" Emile!

Eddie, RockyRaquel mooning on the ship is exactly what the problem is with dramatic girls.  Yes. They will absolutely spin your cycle like no other in the laundry room, but they only PRETEND to be all relaxed and easy with the goods. There is no free laundry froth with a Dramz like RockyRaquel. You WILL pay.

Kate busts Ben's balls in the kitchen,  calling him empathetic and they discuss whether they will be having / want children. She's like a football coach the way she's got him playing the field. Beep beep.

Guests arrive! Vito is the Primary and he has lots of hot ladies with him. They get shown around DIS BOAT! And prepare for lunch.  It's all free and easy with Ben in the galley but that was not at all what happened last year.

The primaries are absolutely guidos (what's up with da hat?) and I thought these ladies were girlfriends, but Imma say no, after they bust his balls after every single thing he says. Gotta be wives! Or not.

Emile gets calls up by the guests, and it turns into some kind of beefcake contest wherein the ladies all pick oot who they want to take them on the jetskis. Guidos pretend to have fun with out for sleeping with dem fishes, Emilio. For whatever reason, he doesn't correct guests when they call him that. I personally can only see

Ben and the guests consult about supper and they want STEAK! Chicago steakhouses for the win! The Primary guest refers to himself as a "beast on the double-baked" referring to potatoes and I no longer think he is mob-affiliated.

Ben and Kate discuss Rocky and the pep talk he had with her; Kate refuses to hear anything positive about RR and he calls her a straight up biiiiitch. Kate is jealous. Ben doesn't want bad juju around and they agree to disagree. With lots of stomping.

Eddie is Skyping with his girlfriend and...RockyRaquel  started following her on Instgraham?? Stalker!

Ben is having a blast making these fancy steaks and good on him. He likes to be creative, like most chefs I know. He does talk some beef cheek shite on Leon, though!  That's the bad juju!

I don't know, Vito, why does Asssshley have asss in her name? Splain! Is it because mama is rolling that body and got every man in here wishing? Or because it bounce bounce bounce? Bounce?

The monster Chicagoan steakhouse steaks are on their way out, holy shite. They're MASSIVE. And Vito does a Grace with thanks for his giant sword and. Well. He's super skinny, so maybe he's a tripod? Kate is dubious. But he wish he wish he wish.

Vito is drunk and Amy says it best when she says that he has enough money to charter this yacht and bring these girls on here, but not enough game to make them enjoy it. The girls all flirt with ANYone with a penis that isn't one of the guys they came with. At the end, Vito is left with the blonde in the hat that he called the best looking person he's ever hung out with, but too bougie, and she turns him down cold. "I don't sleep with people I don't know. I'm weird". Which means he may NOT do what he wants, what he wants with her bawday, and since everyone else is gone and he has nobody to impress, so he quietly agrees and presumably slinks away to sleep it off.

I feel for these women and I don't. I feel bad that they are trapped on a boat with an increasingly hostile drunk guy who wants to get laid and I don't feel bad for them because they went on a boat with a guy they don't know with no intention of getting to know him any better. No point, ladies. Taints even the most lovely vacays if you're expected to use the Bagina CreditCard to pay.

RockyRaquel tries to text with Eddie and he will not respond.  Emile tries to help RockyRaquel by supporting her while she deals with the natural consequences of a ship romance with a taken dewd; she would rather melt down because of course she would.

Connie gets all the kudos; everyone loves Connie, woot! She's a hard worker and she cares about doing her job properly. I dig. She didn't even rat Emile out, because when he apologizes for calling her a whore is the first Eddie and Captain Lee have heard of it.

The guests are having a beach picnic and Kate interviews that it will go as always. Which means it won't! ! Squee!

Ben is making breakfast and it's his worst meal and honestly!  It's my FAVOURITE! Ben and Kate flirt and it's so cute. Vito is hung to his giant nuts and only does a drive by for breakfast on his way to a nap.

Rocky cries. Honestly. And Emile goes to grab something hanging off the hanging off the boat...and of course falls in. He could have been KILLED! What a moroon. Dave offers concerned advice while staying dry. Because he believes he cannot fly, he knows he can't touch the skyyyy.

Nobody likes their breakfast and it's just bad. The sausage is dry and the eggs are runny and it's BREAKFAST. I love cooking breakfast!  I do it every day! How can you mess up breakfast?? Have I said breakfast enough yet??

Amy c'ain't talk so good. But she DOES understand that the secret ingredient to breakfast is mimosas! Amy knows! Ben makes a fantastic lobster thing with eggs and yay! No more cruise control for breakfast, yo.

Beach picnic time! RockyRaquel is stuck in the laundry and complains to Emile,  who offers to yell at Eddie for her. Honestly, can she just pull it together for ONE MORE CHARTER? Gawww. Do your job!

RockyRaquel does her mermaid act and NOBODY is impressed. Just...go, RockyRaquel.  Wait for the Senior's Tour.  Can I just say? I lurve Dave. He's so helpful and you never hear him complain about being asked to do deck work or help the interior or whatever. He just hustles.

Speaking of the opposite! RockyRaquel decides to up the gossip ante and tell Amy about her Eddie bouncing, since Emile kept all that to himself. She brags and brags and carries on about the hooking up and. Well. You and I know that Amy had a huge crush on Eddie so we know how hard this must be for her to hear.

Emile thinks this is about HIM and HIS manhood; he struts off to confront Eddie and it's all so very dramatic and it's the freaking weekend baby, I'm about to have me some rum.

Beep beep.

And we're oot! Finale next week, woo hoo!

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