Wednesday, 18 November 2015

BRR Below Deck Recap S3:E13 Loose Lips Sink Ships

I'm 'cited AND sad because this is the season finale of Below Deck. I know it's going to be AWESOME but then I know there will be a loooonnngggggg BD-free period until next year. However!  I will count my chickens and enjoy my mixed metaphors for just one more time this year.  Until the reunion!

We are on charter with Vito, his "friends", and a pouty Emile filled with misplaced anger charging out to confront Eddie about cheating on his girlfriend OtherAmy with RockyRaquel. Did I mention that Eddie is Emile's boss? And that RockyRaquel isn't dating Emile OR Eddie, but is upset because he's treating their laundry room pony rides like a distraction?  Sigh. I wouldn't go back to my twenties for all of Vito's money

RockyRaquel has been bragging up this affair (fluff & hump?) to anyone standing still and I want to think she's not being cruel, just obtuse, when she asks Amy if she's jealous of the Eddie hayrolling, as Amy has been very clear about her attraction to Eddie. Man. Narcissists are AHOLES.

The yacht guests are taking selfies and chanting for Eddie & Emile to join them; ladies, stop being douchnozzles. Vito invited you to come on this cruise, sure, maybe you don't wanna hook up, but maybe stop trying to bang the crew in front of them, okay? RUDE.

Ben is preparing supper and has decided to go with an arugula salad with onions and the tip of his finger.  He's a fast chopper! I've done that too, hurts like a sonuva. Takes quite a while to heal as well. He's actually done quite a bit worse than that, taken the knuckle off down to the cartilage and *herk* gimme minute.

Eddie and RockyRaquel have another awkward exchange, whatta dick. Okay, so you're not willing to spin her cycle any more, you can be civil. And mebbe explain to her that she's persona non grata. You know, like RockyRaquel explained to Emile that he was too young and drinks too much etc etc. Oh wait, she didn't do that.  She just friend-zoned him.

RockyRaquel is getting another chance at redemption in the kitchen and Ben's all flirty Love, Sweetie, Kitten, you get it. Kate

Oh I'm so happy!  Connie gets called up to the wheelhouse by Captain Lee and he offers her a job! After the season. I may have teared up a little because I need to get out more and she is just doing a great job!! So nice to see someone called in there for something positive. Yay Connie!! She gets made permanent! !!

Fancy supper time and everyone dresses up. Ben directs RockyRaquel very.specifically over and over and overandover. It's not going well; she is impossible.

Emile pouts when he hears Connie will be staying on the boat and when Eddie congratulates her, calls him "ingenuine". Not a word. Obstensively. Connie teases Emile about being her deckhand, and he gets mad: he can't handle the truth! Really, he's just TOO YOUNG. Have I mentioned that yet? His age?

Supper time! The Captain joins the guests and Ben and RockyRaquel fight in the kitchen. She needs to rebound from taking everything so PERSONALLY and she does, eventually, but it's almost painful watching these processes cross her face. He knows the way to a woman's cooperation is through her belleh, so a hidden fancy quail for her settles her jumpy hash.

Lantern as wishes release time! It looks pretty and not just because it was a pivotal point of Tangled. Except for the one that crashes and burns. That's Rocky's wish.

The guests all head to bed and it's the end of their night! Kate lights a lantern for her and Amy's friendship and we all have goosebumps and some of us may have cried a little bit more but we're probably just tired.

Breakfast time! Ben is getting help from Emile and Eddie MAD. Ticking time bomb Emile is just looking to blow, so everyone tenses as Eddie complains and Emile simmers.

The guests love brekkie and well, how can I say this nicely. ..the one that Vito called hot and bougie, well...she's all schnozz. So if you're into nostril play and fedoras, you have extremely specific taste and I have just the chica for you.

Amy talks to Eddie and it's sooooo "I know something about you that you don't know I know! !!" coy and she has ZERO poker face. Her and I could spend an entire evening at a card table and not finish one hand without one of us folding.

The guests are leaving! Hugs all around and Vito leaves a big everyone cheers because CHARTER SEASON OVAH!!

The girls tear their shirts off but Ben knows carefully laundered shirts embroidered with your name don't grow on trees, so he declines to participate in the button massacre.

Crew mess for Tip Time!! 13 thousand. Well. I mean. It's not BAD, but you kind of hope the last one is massive and Med-season sustaining. Over 9 charters, they got 150k in tips! Holy cow. Skinny Kenny Rogers is happeh.

RockyRaquel apologizes to Kate and Amy for being so difficult and thanks them for showing her the ropes. No tears here or there because she is incapable of speaking without mugging and it comes across as ingenuine. That's a word, right Emile??

Beach Party tonight! Woo hoo!  Eddie is Skyping with his girlfriend and is having a moment of reflection. He thinks maybe you don't cheat on your gf if you're happy with her and it's just such a nice change from "ROCKY MADE ME!!! SHE'S THE DEBBIL!!" that I almost miss the part where he forgets he still HAS TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. Amy listens on the stairs and if I put my ear realllly close to the screen, I can hear the flapping of the chickens coming home to roost.

Amy decides to give Eddie a heads up before TickingTimeBombEmile blows all over him, and he is the WORST liar ever. Eddie FINALLY talks to RockyRaquel and pretends he has absolutely NO IDEA why she would ever make up these lies about him!

*They know there is a camera pointed at them at all times, right? Ballpark, how many pees do you figure got edited out? I mean. The cameras see EVERYTHING. And hear whatever's left. Eddie must be stumping for time

So now we have RockyRaquel under the covers, Eddie saying "Nothing happened" with the second worst poker face on that show, so he c'ain't play cards with Amy and I, and Emile pacing behind. I have to say: this is Rocky's payment in full, Eddie. You thought you could hump and dump wild and crazy Mermaid Rocky and you got nothing but the fins. She's getting alllll this attention...and you look like a giant dick. Not like a fun giant dick either.  All you had to do was talk to her! Treat her like a person! You still woulda paid, but maybe this embarrassment wouldn't be all over TV. You see: RockyRaquel is one of those young women who fcuks for attention. And now she has it all. Most people grow out of it, some never do.

And now everyone knows! Emile tells Connie, who doesn't believe, but who tells Kate anyway, who runs down to RockyRaquel. I LOVE Kate's response so much that it must be put on its own special area:

"Well good for you.  It happens on boats. No big deal. I just wanted to make sure you guys weren't waiting on me."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *breathe* hahahahahahahaha


Beach Party Time! Dave does a cheers and everyone overdrinks. Eddie separates from the herd and Rocky follows.

Eddie opens the conversation with "you know, you're a great girl. I fcuked up." which is not how RockyRaquel saw that going. He apologizes for cheating, he apologizes for being so rude and she forgives him. They talk about ending the night as friends and then

He walks over to the fire and says "yes guys, we fcuked". Skinny Kenny Rogers is very disappointed in his pottymouth bosun.

RockyRaquel hollers and goes on about how awesome it was and...this is kind of why he ended it,  right? Because if he didn't,  she would still be shouting out things like "if you wanted, you could probably get a bleep-job tonight!" so there's that. Skinny Kenny Rogers is just so disgusted and nobody likes to see Eddie's clay feet but Emile, who is already trying to push him into a kiln. People make mistakes!  Repeatedly!  Over a period of time!

Everyone not involved in the sad little love triangle is bored and leaves; Eddie gets The Talk from Captain Lee. Woo hoo and he uses old timey words! He WAS letting one head do the thinking for the other head, Mr. Rogers! He says he is disappoint in Eddie. RockyRaquel watches from afar and is bummed that her playdate for later has been kiboshed and she sidles up immediately when he is released from the Captain Lee death-glare.

Eddie thinks he's being nice when he says to RockyRaquel that it's all his fault, all the mistakes are his. She takes offense to being called a mistake and they fight about who initiated what. Wait. Flashing your bagina and sending text messages cancel each other out? Relationships are messy, yo.

Ben and Kate flirt and it's so cute. I lurve them together. But Ben wants her to be happy and that doesn't mean with him. Apparently. Dave is adorable and I wish he was there all along! He's just so positive.

Emile is going to California with RockyRaquel. Let's just think about that a minute and the very few things that would be worse ideas. Putting your penis in a blender, maybe. Rubbing cut habanero peppers on your eyes. Still slightly better ideas than going to California with RockyRaquel. Connie only wants to text with Emile forevermore.

Amy is gonna chill out and travel, and gives thanks for how well her and Kate worked together.  It was lovely. Eddie knows he had a poor season and lets see what OtherAmy has to say. I can't believe RockyRaquel follows her on Instagraham! How would someone even find out who that was? And how to get an Instagraham account?

RockyRaquel hugs Kate farewell and they have an awkward staredown that ends in Rocky diving off the boat and we KNOW she won't be back next year and for that, I thank the Ye Olde Bravo gods.

Kate turns off the lights and really has no plans  but she's going to buy a car! A two seater convertible is a great idea! Ben and her hug and she keeps it light, because she doesn't do relashies. That RBF reigns supreme and Kate will outlive us all

Okay, not completely turning off lights.  Ben has yet to leave, so he says goodbye to Captain Lee and Connie with his middle finger and I'm no sad my screenshot won't post. :( if only I knew what Instagraham was.

Captain Lee, Connie and the rest of the less-camera-friendly crew are crossing the Atlantic for Med-season. Is that Mediterranean season?  I dunno! I'm a landlubber.

And the season is over!! What did you think? I bet the reunion show is going to be AWESOME! !


  1. You do great mixed metaphors. I like the broccoli

    Confronting and yelling at you boss is always a great career move. Emile...

    Flashbacks to knife injury. Momentary lightheaded....

    Made up werds FTW

    Lantern laughs

    "My my my my my non-poker face"

    John Holmes laughter

    I am not an AHOLE!

    For some reason, seeing the words ladies and douchenozzles in the same sentence unnerves me.

    Eddie, sometimes "you need to know when to hold it.."

    Only have one eye for habanero. Pass on the blender

    Great recap. My comments may be slightly out of order. I'm gonn miss those lovable buffoons.

    1. Me too, Chuck. Those endearing bastages

  2. Dang it! My screenshot didn't show up!