Monday, 2 November 2015

BRR Below Deck Recap S3:E5 I'm Ironing the Captain's Shorts

Like you would. We left RockyRaquel in the wake of a very bad date with Emile

Reeeeead the body language
Lessee what happens tonight!
It looks like a miserable weather, but you know, miserable weather IN THE BAHAMAS, and our yachties are unhappy. Emile does not understand that he way blew it on their date, so he canters down to the laundry room on his little minotaur legs to flirt with RockyRaquel, who has done an abrupt 180 and has less than zero interest in showing him her bum any more. Awwwwkward.

Poor Emile. Has NO game and everyone talks about how young he is behind his back. Wait. Is that what I'm doing? YOU TOO YOUNG,  EMILE. GROW INTO YOUR BRAIN

Emile tells Leon he's going to go to California to see Rocky's family and Leon and I stare at him for a full minute. Um. I can't tell if he's joking, he's TOO YOUNG. RockyRaquel tells Amy about the date and it seems like she's decided to go after Eddie anyway.

New Charter guests! This time it is Kevin Johnson, a restaurateur who digs well done butterfly cut steaks. I bet Leon groans. Steaks should not be over cooked! He's gonna do beef cheeks anyway cuz he don't curr

Bad weather means lots of entertaining the guests inside which has to not be cool. Getting ready montage! Leon talks to his daughters and it's adorable.

Amy puts on that Stew Face to earn.that.tip. and the wind is up.  Kevin is a robust gentleman with some lovely young ladies. Dis boat!! The master bedroom is gorgeous!

Okay, this is odd. The guests all ask for Don Julio tequila and Eros didn't stock it. Why didn't they stock it?  It was on everyone's preference sheet! I'm concerned that I am this worried about a brand of alcohol about to be drank by a bunch of rich yahoos on a boat. Kate calls it an emergency while ordering it and I rolled my eyes so hard while pffting that I fell over.

The real issue is the weather is making travel dangerous, but not to Kevin Johnson '42! WHERE THE FANCY TEQUILA AT?? ask all the guests and I can actually see the tip diminish by the second. Mr. Johnson keeps it klassy by opening a bottle with his teeth; this man is clearly in need of a specific tequila drink because he is too fancy for Patron.

A new deckhand is coming and Emile is off his game and it doesn't matter why because all anyone wants is '42 Don Julio tequila. $350/bottle.  Wow. Amy scrubs carrots in a really inappropriate fashion while they talk about the new deckhand, it would be nice if Amy got some, hey? Tune up that Texas smile.

For the love of all that is holy, RockyRaquel has been writing a musical while doing laundry and OF COURSE SHE HAS. She should not get any of the tip. NONE.

New deckhand looks just like Harry Styles with long hair and no tan; let's see how Dane works out. He's from North Carolina! And is adorable, if you're into that type of laid back surfer rich guy thing. The girls all are, they gossip in the kitchen about the makeover they're going to give him.

All right all right all right!

Leon's gonna cook something amazing! But. He cooked supper already. And the guests are still on land. Huh. Why do that? ? Not cool.

Eddie texts with his gf and we get to see! Except it's very uncomfortable because they are fighting. Watching real people work through an uncomfortable relationship brings out none of the usual TV schadenfreude. Sad horns.

RockyRaquel has set her sights on Dane and listening to her talk, even in general, has started to make me stabby. Emile figures he's all clear to back off and flick his lovely lashes and RockyRaquel will come a-running, as he's missed the part where she is no longer interested in his TOO YOUNG lashes.

The guests come back and ask for a cheese plate instead of the entire meal Leon just cooked, which he refuses to give to crew. Well, Leon. Gotta go with Kate on this one.

Oh noooooo, the guests talk the new deckhand into coming into the hot tub, even dumbass Emile knows he's not allowed.

He gets headed off at the pass, otherwise it would have been his job. The guests don't care, though, they wanna flirt with the cute deckhand.

Honestly.  Rocky. Shut it. Nobody wants to hear your stupid musical.

Dane gets the lowdown on what NOT to do, which is important. Leon hears Kate talking shite about him and his WalMart of the Sea history but decides to not confront right yet.

It's the last night on the ship for the guests; please tell me they got some damn Don Julio '42 tequila! ! They're gonna play drinky Twister, called Bender and Kate suggests Connie does the artwork. Including a brown starfish. Oh boy.

Leon's food is delish, as always, lots of schmear. The inside salon has been designated as Party Central and honestly.  If I paid 100k for a weekend. ..GET THE TEQUILA!

And Kate finally does! The Don Julio arrives! ! In the middle of the night in the middle of the ocean. Lemme see how amazing it is!

Amy is loving a positive RockyRaquel actually doing her job for once; yaay!! Just stop talking. Thenk you.

Docking is tricky again, the wind and Eddie messing things up a bit. We see more texts with Eddie, sigh. It's not going well with OtherAmy. She was out partying and did you know she cheated? So everything is her fault. She must forever TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!!

Tip time! I can't gauge, but there are two envelopes! 25k holy shite.  And they didn't even have the booze they wanted until the last minute. That booze entrance was ERRYTHANG.

Everyone but Skinny Kenny Rogers is heading to town,  RockyRaquel pumps Dane for his relashie status while he rubs her feet. Ick. He says that it's complicated, which means that soon, he WILL BE TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.

Captain Lee raps Eddie's knuckles for not having his head in the game and Emile wonders why his girlfriend is having her feets being rubbed by New Deckhand. Given Emile's propensity for ill-advised alcohol consumption,  I'm sure he will accept this new RockyRaquel Friend Zone. For sure.

And we oot!


  1. OK. Please clarify Walmart of the Sea

    1. Oh! Sorry! Leon used to work on the QEII cruise ship and Kate said that Cruise Ships are the Walmarts compared to yachts, which are the Neiman Marcus

    2. No, that's my bad! I did a bunch in a row, only mentioned it in there a couple back

  2. That is some damn pricey cactus juice.

    1. They would NOT stop talking about it! In between taking beer caps off with their teeth