And another season of Vanderpump Rules begins! I must say, I LOVE Lisa Vanderpump on RHBH but found this show unwatchable last year. Let's see if it's any better (for me - I know all y'all loved it) this time around! There *may* be another recapper doing it here or on another site I lurve, so may be linking to that next time, but here is the season opener! Let's see what the young, larcenous, vapid and overly entitled are up to!
New cast members! Lala? Jesse? Favourite part of the intro, besides Gigi? Lisa responding to Stassi's "You hate me, Lisa!" with "you're not important enough to hate, now sit down" which means I get to use my Jack pic! Woo hoo!
We open at SUR and Lisa checking on everyone and calling a meeting. Her bewbs look FAB. Not as fab? Jax's bandaged sniffer after round 3, yes, round 3!! of nose jobs. And still hasn't done anything with moving his eyes further away from each other. That's the real problem. Oh you can't do that? THEN STOP FCUKING WITH YOUR FACE
Anyway, he also has a Frankenstein traintrack of stitches leading away from one eyebrow and really, I get the sunglasses theft now. Cover that shite up. Lisa is concerned because the gratuity level has dropped from 18 percent to 16 percent and I have to call fantastic plot reaching, Lisa. Bravo. I mean.
SkinnyDJJames got a glass of wine thrown at him at Pump by Kristen, who apparently drinks erryday, nice to see the first bit of consistency I've seen from her, ever! Baby lurchy steps! Tom is just happy she is no longer his problem, ^5! But I bet that isn't true...
Speaking of Tom, Lisa calls him onto the carpet for his lack of working lately: 6 shifts in months. Apparently that shows a lack of commitment. Dial it back, Tom! Shouting at your boss that she's a liar and throwing you under the bus is not good work relations! Of course, she IS the one asking him to work more, soooo
Katie and Scheana touch up their MAC forcefields and they're almost identical. I think Scheana is the one that banged Eddie Cibrian? And is now married and turning 30. She looks really well preserved. Katie and Scheana (that name is gonna kill me. I may call her Lashes) gossip about Stassi. You remember Stassi, right?
And Katie is still waiting for her ultimatum-ring from OtherTom, breath holding!
Jax isn't allowed to play out front while his face heals and I get it. It looks unsanitary. Jax entertains himself by shit-stirring with James about Kristen interfering with James's job, yaaaay! Jax is obsessive about his ex-gf Carmen, who broke up with his lame two-timing ass before he was ready to dump her. James makes the mistake of telling Jax about Carmen dating and kissing someone else and Jax immediately texts Carmen about it. James thinks that's against BroCode but really? Exes are completely exempt from BroCode or Rational Behaviour or Thought and yeah, of COURSE Jax is gonna be all over that.
Kristen tears James a new one for tattling and blah blah blah: why are you talking to her when she is jeopardizing your burgeoning DJing career, bus boy??
I would just like to take a moment to appreciate the fact that this is actually a real issue in these people's lives. Remember when you had time to worry about petty shit like this and it was REALLY IMPORTANT and worth discussing with all your friends? Namaste, young people. Except I guess they're not that young. ANYWAY!
Lisa and hubs discuss The Tom Problem while the man himself yaks at Scheana and Ariana. Ariana is just very genera-blonde, I think. Could not pick her out of a lineup. They yak about Kristen and banning her from Scheana's birthday party. Speaking of the Kristen! She shows up and braces Jax in the parking lot looking like a drowned mouse. Why is she there?? Oh. She has a t-shirt line now and is focusing on that instead of punching people in the face. Just gonna let t-shirt line sink in. Like it is a thing. And we're back! I feel like I have to say that therapy and t-shirt lines may be good for her as a person? But punching people in the face is better TV. She's fighting with James already, though, so I think we good!
OH WAIT. James and Kristen are DATING. I FORGOT. Which means that her coming to his place of work to throw wine in his face and lurking in dark parking lots while drunk means OHHHH. He says his "DJ Career" is more important than his relashie with her, though, so.
We get a full frontal nudie shot of Jax getting out of the shower but let's just say the full-body wax precludes any view of the peen. Like a Ken Doll! His mom shows up and he shows her around his apartment while he interviews that he wouldn't have a big mansion even if he could, because he's just not that into it. Of course he wouldn't. If he could afford that, he'd get his nose done 10 times! Plus get that eyes-close-together thing sorted. Bwahahaha his name is JASON! Of course he would call himself something just that much cooler like Jax! Add an X or a Z and it's fresh to death. You can call me TTMz.
JasonJax complains about his love life and MommaJax lays into him. She also calls him onto the carpet (probably also Lisa's) for stealing so much stuff from work, I guess Sunglass Hut was just one in a long line of petty thefts.
James sucks up to Kristen with some flowers and HEY! He let a room full of people call Kristen a lush and said NOTHING. I didn't realise they were dating at that point, so my indignation is on delay. They argue about him bringing her to Scheana's birthday and um. How is that a choice? Nobody wants Kristen there and OF COURSE there will be fighting! This is why friends travel in herds at this age! So there is no Sharks and Jets style throwdowns!
Birthday lunch! Scheana is turning 30, her mom is turning 60 and Jax's mom is turning 50 so it's kind of cool. They're all really friends! Yay! Except Scheana says something odd about wondering if Jax's mom really knows where he lives and I'm confused. Didn't we just see his tiny apartment? I can't be held responsible for thinking that he's really living in one of those gay nekkid frathouse places that have webcams in every room. He's such a narcissist, that would be PERFECT for him.
Lisa joins them and they make fun of JasonJax and all his ladies. They call him the puppy that pees on the (Lisa's) carpet that you can't get mad at and his mom 100% backs that up. I'd call him spoiled but his mom is awesome and I call flawed character. He's been stealing and cheating his whole life.
OtherTom is getting a PERM. A PERM. While ModelTom grimaces and eye rolls in the background. He calls himself a Perm Pioneer and thinks this move means he's ready to get married and it's so cute that men can be as stupid and vapid and ridiculous as the women on this show. Yay equality!! It is too bad, I kind of liked him last year, but not as much as Peter.
And it's party time!! Tom & Tom are 70's rapey cops (Katie's words!) on real roller skates, Ariana is Edie (WHY cover the one thing I recognised about you, your hurr??) and Katie thinks she looks like Cher from Clueless (she does not). Peter looks AWESOME as a 80s rocker, woo hoo! JasonJax is Danny Zuko, acourse, and his mom is Audrey Hepburn. Huh. I didn't know moms were coming to the party. I hope everyone keeps it in their pants, fight-wise.
MadonnaScheana looks not at all like Madonna and hey! I remember why Kristen is hawt. DAT BAWDAY. If you dig cleavage and long skinny legs and a great bum, anyway. I was just wondering about Scheana's hubs and Lisa starts talking about him! Scheana really is always the centre of attention and Shane (Shane, right? Not spelled Schayne?) lurks in the background. That's a good fit for a marriage, I think. Two fame-hewers means everyone is fighting for camera time. The only off-thing is something that Lisa observes: Scheana would never do a couple costume like Sonny and Cher or something, because she is a solo act. Hmm. I will say Scheana's complete openness about being a giant attention whore is refreshing. TeamUnSpellableName!
A really mature James flips his hair system when his Mama-GF Kristen asks him several times if he's been drinking ("you want a beer? You don't need liquor, right?") and swears to get loaded. So grown up! When Kristen is the one making that face...I just stare at her bewbs. They're so oddly placed and almost touching because her frame is so small and I wanna poke at them gingerly with a stick from a distance.
Woot! Tom moonwalks backwards in roller skates and it's fantastic! Lisa's hubs drunkenly threatens Tom for "disrespecting" Lisa and it goes about as well as you would expect. Nod and Smile, Tom!
Kristen gets shit from Lisa about the wine throwing at Pump and suggests that Kristen not visit James while he's working. EVER. $15 for a glass of wine? WHUT?? This is why I will never be on a yacht or drinking in LA. I can buy 2 bottles of decent wine for $15!!
Scheana and Kristen hang oot and wow. K's bewbs are really making me uncomfortable. Ariana is taking it very personally that Scheana did NOT ban Kristen from SCHEANA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY and honestly. I get it. I'm just glad I don't live in that space any longer.
Everyone is drinking straight from 60-pounders of brown liquor (NOT THE DARK LIQUOR!!) but for whatever reason, people are really worried when James does it. Now, I know he gets crazy on dark liquor because he's 12 and these people think alcohol colour makes a difference, but is he in some kind of in-between 12 step program where just a few beer are okay but chugging fireball whiskey is bad? He blames all that on Kristen, again, because he is 12. He jumps all over another woman and honestly, DJ Lightweight (good one, Tom!) is just too young.
And TTMz owt! What didja think??