Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Beckymae Recaps Vanderpump Rules S4:E7 Spit Take

Today's recap is brought to you by cheap Methode Champanoise wine, aka Headache in a Bottle and the Font Fairy. I have NO clue why but the font size is all over the shop on this post and I've spent tooooooooooooo long trying to fix it so you guys will just have to SUCK IT UP, ok? BM is tired and emosh after the last day of school....

Seriously, who makes up the titles of this show? "Spit Take"? I don't even know what that I'll let Paul Rudd explain...

Tonight we open at Ken and Lisa's Barbie Dream House, I fucking LOVE this house...I love it almost as much as I love Yolanda Foster's Fridge but I reckon it probably feels like a terrarium to live in. We are meeting Arielle who is a teen counsellor? Teens? Why? Hmmm, ok turns out she is going to organise a dinner for some homeless teens at S.U.R because they have never been to a restaurant before. Ok, that's random...

Let's get back to the REAL story which is Schwartz's perm. I had actually forgotten about his perm, mainly because the perm was so budget it just makes him look like Tom Waits on a good day. Katie sums it up by declaring,"Well, I am really glad that perm is indicative of your commitment to our relationship because your hair just went flat...IMMEDIATELY..." ZINGER!

The Tom's are still going to pitch for Lisa's Sangria, we all know this is a Bad Idea but it should be good TV. It appears that they are so busy doing their hair, partying and boozing to really figure it out but hey, these crazy kids are SERIOUS. Schwartz is so serious he cannot even speak and Sandoval reasons that the best thing is for Schwartz to not speak which is a Very Good Idea.

Meanwhile at Special Unique Restaurant, Lallalaaa and Jax are talking about their respective 'relationships'. Lalalaaa hasn't spoken to DJ TFB since she found out he dipped his wick in an Oompa Loompa, Jax thinks it is a very good idea for her to 'steer clear of that' and she seems to agree. Jax says that until Kentucky actually physically moves her ass to L.A to be with him then 'technically' they are not dating. Oh to live in Jax's World where you can just make up any shit you like to suit whatever devious personal bullshit you have going on! He and Lalalaaaa decide to have 'harmless' drinks....oh Lalalaaaa, it's all fun and games until you are passed out on the Couch of Doom with a Fleshlight in one hand and cat 'o' nine tails in the other.

Next we meet the dazzling jewel that is DJ TFB's mom, YAY! I love her already....apparently to she modelled all the way from Mauritius to Bora Bora back in the day! Same hemisphere? Whoah, that's untold! She's still hot and doesn't appear to have L.A Frankenface Syndrome so we will give her a pass for now. DJ TFB is moaning to Mommy that KKK 'really fucking hurt me' and was 'probably screwing around' although he appears to have no concrete evidence of this.

Do you really wanna hurt me??

Turns out there is bigger drama at hand....DJ TFB's Glamazon Mom is breaking up with George Michael's Cousin (ie: DJ TFB's Dad)! DJ TFB doesn't understand how, after 24 years, they can do this to him. 24 YEARS? Geez, if I was rubbing on the same peen for that long I would definitely want a change of scene. But DJ TFB is making this all about him and how hard it is for him and how sad he is. Mom is having none of it...

Look, son, I just wanna shag around, alright??

Jax the Nose and KKK meet up for a boxing date, because yeah, KKK needs an outlet and Jax likes to smash stuff too. Jax admits he's just had botox (???) which surprises me as, although I know he's vain as f*ck, I would have thought he thought that the 'Tox is for the gays....obvs not...

KKK wants to know what all enquiring minds want to know...have Jax and Kentucky broken up like she heard?? The Nose is suitably evasive about it...they didn't break up, they were just 'figuring things out' because he wasn't going to pay for her to come here every weekend.

Jax doesn't want to see KKK get back with DJ TFB, to her credit KKK says 'there is no amount of $$ that would make me get back with that douchebag'. She wants a REAL man, she wants a BUNCH of real men, she wants to be a Make Out Whore! YAAAASSSS, me too KKK, me too...

Nope, nope....alllll the nopes...

The Nose thinks this is a great idea because he would, he just wants every chick around him to at least make out with him once a month or so. "Let's have some fun, you know?" he says. "Just have some fun...just be by yourself, get a dog!" Ah, wut to the wut now?? Anyone who has a dog knows that it is code for never doing anything alone ever again ever...

My life...

Lisa gets everyone at S.U.R together to tell them all about her latest philanthropic venture, the Homeless Teen Lunch. The team looked thrilled as punch, their tiny little minds ticking over about how much effort they will need to put in for literally no tip. 

Backstage Scheana tells Katie that perhaps they should stop mean-girling Lalalaaaa and be friends with her but Katie is like, "Well, you can come in here and be that girl and that's fine but I'm not gonna be friends with that girl."

All the action is happening in the front bar where DJ TFB has decided that The Nose is in his sights. He cannot fathom that The Nose and KKK hung out earlier at their boxing class. Oh, DJ TFB, don't you understand that these parasites need each other? Their misplaced loyalty runs deeper than Gordon Ramsey's sharpei five-head! Of course Jax and KKK are perfect for each other, get with the program boy!

Over to the former love nest of KKK and DJ TFB for the ritual 'picking up of the belongings', we all know that no good can come of this and they do not disappoint. Accusations and low blows are thrown, DJ TFB throws all his toys out of the pram because KKK is going on a date with one of The Nose's friends who has MONEY and a STABLE JOB!

Things go as well as expected...

It's all fun and games till someone spits on the door...

"You did not just spit on my door, I just had my fucking apartment cleaned!" KKK is not impressed.

It's WHERE'S MA CHEQUE time! Pandora's preppy husband has set his expectations suitably low for this encounter. The Tom's are O.N! Schwartz is psyched for this opportunity, he has a timeline....."there's rings and engagement parties and weddings and kids and college and....FARRRRK!"

Despite the fact that they previously organised Schwartz not to speak, speak he does.

He declares that The Tom's will now be Brand Ambassadors for VDP Sangria, 'essentially championing the brand.' Pandora is onto him quick-sticks, "What exactly do you mean 'champion'"? Sandoval is F.U.R.I.O.U.S...

The ju-ju has been spun though, even Sandoval is tongue-tied he blathers on about working pro-bono, maybe he thinks that's a cameo on U2's next album? I don't know, but the whole thing unravels with their audience openly laughing at The Tom's ineptitude. 

No really, we can make ya some $$!

"This isn't going the way you guys probably imagined," Schwartz hits that nail squarely on its head for once!

Lisa IS amused

Pandora is savvy enough to see a golden opportunity. "So, you want to come on board, I don't have to pay you and you're gonna help promote LVP? I'm IN!"

Poor Kentucky, she has no idea what she is in for. She has just arrived and The Nose is already telling her how Lalalaaaa has invited HIM out for a drink.

She's BOLD!

We get to see the many faces of Kentucky whilst he spins his web of lies and she tries to move on by asking him what he wants to do whilst she is in town. The Nose gets all serious saying "I've screwed up every relationship up that I have ever been in and I don't want to screw this one up," ohhhh Nose! 

"I don't want you to either!" Kentucky is all excited by the prospect.

"That being said...." The Nose is gonna kill the puppy...

Don't kill this puppy Jax!

Nah, he asks her to move in with him, of course!

Back at the ranch, Sandoval is regretting not duct-taping Schwartz's mouth shut at the Sangria Meeting. He's telling Ariana-Daria that he needs to take baby steps in business, but she smells B.S, "These baby steps sound like foetus steps," 


It's the day of the Homeless Teen Lunch and everyone appears to be on best behaviour. The whole thing is actually quite sweet and I have no shade at all for this, I just feel bad that Fried Goat's Cheese Balls from Special Unique Restaurant are what these gorgeous teens are going to think 'fancy grub' is like....

*actual Fried Goat's Cheese Balls from S.U.R

Spit-gate is turning into a thing...I mean it's totes gross but is anyone surprised that DJ TFB spat on KKK's door? Jax decides to take up a one-man crusade for KKK's honour, DJ TFB takes affront to this and says, "It wasn't even a lougie-spit, it was more like a dribble-spit!" hmmm, that doesn't really sound like anything you'd want to admit too TFB.

Dribble spit? Really??

All this Spit dramz spills out into the Homeless Teen lunch and Lisa gets involved....ruh-roh! Boys, you in danger now! 

Will The Nose and TFB survive the Wrath of LVP? Will Ariana-Daria throw the most epic adult kids party of all time? Who will cheat in Vegas? All this and more NEXT WEEK kids! xoxox BM


  1. Replies
    1. The Miley one? Hehe, soz

    2. Oh, is my insincerity that obvs? Must work on that.... Bwahahaaaaa

  2. There can be no talk of spit without hommage paid to the queen of reality show spit: Punkin

    1. ACK!! You don't know PUNKIN??

      Flavor of Love season 1 pre-finale Feast your eyes. Then brain bleach

    2. She was a substitute teacher with a dream. A dream to bang the OG Gremlin Flavor FLAV and only New York (and really, Hoopz) stood in her way. Then the spitting

    3. Oh I never saw FOL! That wax in the dark days before I head cable!

    4. Yuck, that clip was feral! I fermenter Hoopz to, was she in I Love Money?

    5. She was! And was a DWade sidepiece for awhile before becoming Shaquille O'Neal's main lady for a minute

    6. I'm quite weirded out by the fact that I only know of Hoopz by whose lap she last bounced on. In this day and age!

    7. It's par for the course, surely??

    8. The world wasn't ready for Flavor of Love. It was too great for its time.

    9. Looks like it! I might have to download it along with 'Being Bobby Brown' #neverforget

    10. I *may* own season 2 on DVD, can lend!

  3. Looking back, this was a weak ep. Lots of filler in the form of the charity lunch etc. Personally I cannot wait for Ariana-Daria's 'kidult' party next week, looks like a laff-riot!

    1. Yeaaaa. Her tantrums surprised me this episode,well the Vegas one did. I get why she was upset about the cocktail thing.

    2. Yeah I get the drink one, the other was a scripted tanty fo sho. She couldn't give two shits about Sandoval going to Vegas, she'll have her own party!

  4. Breaking news guys! Had just opened a restaurant! He says it is 'kinda like Pump but there's TV' s so it's a sports bar too' lololololllll