Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Beckymae Recaps: Vanderpump Rules S4:E06 "Love Bites"


Are you ready Bookies?? It's VDR time and I reckon, after today's episode, you are going to need the Silkwood Shower to END all Silkwood Showers. We are gonna learn more than we ever needed to know about DJ TFB, his family, his sassy accent and his kinks...poor Scheana, she hardly gets a look in, I hope her narcissism copes with the lack of attention!

This week it is Pride time yet again at S.U.R and PUMP, otherwise known as Gay Christmas. Last year poor old S.U.R Lounge was relegated to the Poor Straight Cousin Table of Gay Christmas, they had no party and no one made any tips and everyone was S.A.D. The big, fat Gayby that was PUMP took all the attention, everyone 'ooh-ed' and 'aahhhh-ed' over them but this year S.U.R gets to have their very own party as Lisa VDP realised that the revenue opportunities were just too, too great to miss. WHERE'S MA CHEQUE??

He's definitely waiting at the coat check

Jax confirms his place as resident cuddly psycho that everyone loves to hate whilst having a deep, philosophical chat with Scheana over badly made 'cups-of-chino'. They are playing "What Would you Do if you knew the world was going to end in 5 days" and, of course, Scheana would fly to Paris or go to Egypt and see the pyramids because, DUH, who cares about doing whatever you want when you can sightsee!! Jax has better priorities..."I'd probably off some people..." me too, adorable psycho-man, me too...

Is that a gun in your pocket....?

Because this episode is ALL ABOUT DJ TFB, talk turns to DJ TFB and how butt-hurt Jax the Nose is that DJ TFB is cutting his grass with Lalalaaaa. Scheana's theory is that his Beats Headphones have mysterious powers of seduction, enabling him to pounce on any girl of his choosing. This theory seems pretty water-tight as we see here...


"Everybody has their 'thing', but I could just never date anyone who's clothes were smaller than mine," Scheana hits the nail on the head with this statement but, for me, I could just never date someone who listens to EDM on loop.

Now Jax compares Lalalaaa to a car he wants to 'test drive but not buy' and decides that he's not dating Kentucky but when she's in LA they 'have fun'. Scheana's sage advice for Jax is to get Lalalaaaa really drunk so he can basically date rape her, ugh...just when I thought Scheana was already at the bottom of the barrel, she scrapes another layer off.


Back at Special Unique Restaurant the girls are getting an upgrade from their Hot Topic '90's Throwback couture. Lisa has gifted them lolly pink pin-up girl dresses for one night only, she wants them back ok? God knows why, as this party is gonna be MAJAH and we all know what type of stuff gets spilled on the decolletage of S.U.R servers. Ariana-Daria looks like she might vom at the sight of these dresses and that's not a surprise as she is only one who looks good in  Hot Topic.


It's time to check in on the Scheana/Soused Shay Show and, literally, she has decided that it is a good idea to invite Soused Shay to Gay Christmas because, wait for it, "IT'S TRADITION!" Fuck sobriety and health, man...it's Gay Christmas! Jax reckons Shay should just stay away, go play golf with his Dad but Scheana enthusiastically tells him that things have been so great the last couple of weeks so it's FINE, it's totally fine....that home drug kit will keep you on track Soused Shay, plus you get a Hall Pass for pot! Yay Shay!!


Over to Lalalaaaa's apartment where she and DJ TFB are gonna make sweet, sweet music together...no, really....they are actually making music, not too sure about the 'sweet' part and I am sure DJ TFB is hoping his euphemistic dreams are gonna come true too. I'm deeply unsure about this whole 'DJ as music maker' thing, but I will leave my judgement at the door...for now...

Stick to what you know...

DJ TFB lays down ultimatums right away, "You need to trust me, baby," he whines. "Are you with them or with me, I need to know straight up,"
Lalalaaaaa is having none of his shit and, for a moment, I kinda like her but then I realise that she is currently dating him (at least via her Instagram feed) so all this bluster is but for show. DJ TFB loves it though, you can tell he's a typical British guy with a Mama fixation who just wants to be whipped whilst sucking on your toes.


"No you can't bite my tongue, that shit would HURT!"

Then we get the confession of kink...well, it's 'kink-lite' if I'm truthful but it appears that DJ TFB has a peculiar erogenous zone....THE BACK OF HIS UPPER ARM, specific, no? "If you start nibbling, like right down here, a little bit and then get harder and harder...I'm probably gonna call you the next day," really? That's strangely endearing...

Lalalaaaa gives us the understatement of the century "James is a kinky, weird motherfucker. I don't think we're gonna be sexually compatible," oh Lalalaaaa don't knock till you've tried it!

Now we get to the 'music' part which seems to be made on a tiny, tiny keyboard and a cell phone. DJ TFB wants her to say one line "ain't nobody that I'm feeling like I'm feeling you" on a Lana del Rey style loop, over this he begins to RAP, I kid you not....he's rapping...from his cell phone...


Her voice is actually not that bad but I really just want this whole scene to end, it's giving me odd feelings, not good ones either. But then we get the admission of the season! DJ TFB is Musical Royalty! His father is George Michael's cousin! George Michael is his godfather! This...is....ah-mazing...


Kudos to DJ TFB for keeping this schtum for so long, I didn't think the attention whore had it in him! 

What a cute little Ginge...

Lalalaaa has decided that DJ TFB is talented and that's hot, maybe she's a closet Wham fan? Perhaps arm biting will begin shortly...

For some incredibly unknown reason, The Tom's have taken Soused Shay to a capoeira class. If you don't know what this is, it is a South American death dance that only the ridiculously fit and good looking should ever attempt. Poor Soused Shay looks like he is actually going to die but luckily to cones he punched earlier are helping him keep it together. Then he actually does vomit...in the carpark.



The instructor is now teaching 'sexy moves' that look like they are humping a lady (or a MAN!) in the boudoir, it is more than Soused Shay can handle..."If I imagine I'm in the bedroom I probably might throw up again," yes, drag queen make-up and extreme narcissism will do that to ya, Shay!

The Tom's are into it, it's Gay Christmas after all!

Gimme a little more snake, Sandoval!

Speaking of narcissists, Scheana is at the DMV changing her name from the ridiculous Scheana Marie to Scheana Shay. Not because she loves her hubby and it's romantic or any shit but because it is 'so much cooler than Scheana Marie'. She takes a pouty, soul-eating pic and is on her way.


GAY CHRISTMAS IS HERE! Lisa is scrubbing down the tables herself and DJ TFB is running late, I wonder why???

Where are my Marigolds??

Lisa wants to know what the hell happened to DJ TFB's arms, enquiring minds already know, Lisa! Don't go there, gurlfren!


Lalalalalalaaaaaaa no, not her...

Detective Ken is on the case, though, we find out that DJ TFB had a night of passion with a sassy Oompa Loompa named Lauren!


Meanwhile, back at Special Unique Restaurant...

 
They've let Faith outta the basement to party with Katie!

Being Gay Christmas means shots before midday for everyone, including the bar staff. Lisa is wearing a ginormous hat so that the Great Unwashed won't get up in her grill and Jax is beyond hammered. In fact, it's possible Jax has taken a rainbow cornucopia of everything, homegirl is rolling, slurring and sweating up a storm.

Is that Giggy? Surely that's a code violation...

The busboy is Jax's brain right at this moment...

Lalalaaaa seems to want a piece of it and pops over for a flirt, but Jax is incoherent. She wants to know about the status of his relationship with Kentucky, but he's all like...

A gallery of sweat and desperation...

It appears Lalalalaa might be a little kinky as she professes that Jax's tattoos 'kill me every time, that's a man who can stand getting a little roughed up." 

Yes, Jax....you probably are...

Ariana-Daria declares that working with Jax when he's blind drunk is "like working with a bull in a china shop, on roller skates, during an earthquake,' then Jax smashes a glass, effectively closing his bar...

DJ TFB struts over to S.U.R and to show off his back larceny better, he wears a tank top...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oompa Loompa Lauren is hanging with her BFF Lalalalaaa when he arrives but no one knows about their tryst because, uh, well no one wants to know who you shame fucked because they had an accent and you were too fucked up to notice the douche in him! Lalalaaa notices in a second and loses her shit, which is odd because she supposedly 'does not want a boyfriend'. The Oompa Loompa steps in and takes DJ TFB for a walk...


To see everyone else at S.U.R including Kristen who seems to be invited to everything even though she be KKKrazy. No one else can believe the state of his arms or that someone actually had sex with him which is also the state of my own brain. I will admit though that having an accent of ANY kind makes you 150% more attractive, doesn't really matter what it is and that's the only excuse I am giving both Lalalaaa and the Oompa Loompa for going there.

Oh and just when we think it can't get any more high school it does. Oompa is trying to give Lalalaaaa advice and hugging her, oh that Judas!


You can predict where this goes....Lalalaaa confronts DJ TFB and he tells her (YOU EEEDIOT!) he slept with Oompa and she is responsible for the ritual tribal scarring on his arms, she goes She-Devil on him-THE END.

Oh here, have a knife in your back!

Let's let Scheana have the last word: 


Count those 1's, honey! See youse all next week! xoxo BM













19 comments:

  1. Soz it was late! Please comment, I love youse ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

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    1. Betta late than Neva! I love your recaps, it makes me so happy to rehash VR and Apres Ski.

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  2. Soooo Lala doesn't want anything serious with James, she just wants to have fun with no commitments but she's the only one who gets to have fun? If you refuse to be exclusive with someone you can't also get pissy when they follow your stupid relash rules. Gawwd whyyyyy am I sticking up for that tooooool.

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  3. Lala's voice did sound nice! When I could hear it over DJ kinky boots.

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    1. You mean DJ George Michael's COUSIN!!??

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    2. DJ IDGAF
      DJ Honda Selfie
      DJ Kinky Boots
      DJ Voldemort

      I wish I had this many nicknames.

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  4. I think I enjoyed Sandoval humping the ground way more than I should have. Schwartz's pelvic spasms but reaffirmed my thoughts that he and Jax have more in common than we think.

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    1. Yes, me too! Lol, I love Schwartz tho, he is so clueless...and lucky to have found Katie.

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    2. I like Katie more and more as seasons gonon. Girl was a hot mess under Stassi's reign. Sandoval has also grown on me. Once he started dating Ariana he totally changed for the better.

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    3. I love Ariana, you can tell she hates it all but is just in it for the cheque. Sandoval is much better with her for sure

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    4. Her side eyes give me life. I also like how they opt out of the drama fests

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  5. Do Aussies find American accents hot? Specifically ones with a very very slight Texas accent? For research purposes.

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    Replies
    1. Yes kinda but I'm more into the Scottish or Irish myself

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    2. But if all the American accents the Southern one does it for me the most

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  6. Replies
    1. Yep, it's a pretty lame kink if you ask me....give me a good foot fetishist anyday! That's a proper fetish!

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