Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Beckymae Recaps Vanderpump Rules S4:E8 Dirty Thirty

Thank the GODS! This week's drama is all about my fave, Ariana-Daria, although I am reluctant to believe she is as high maintenance as this episode is going to make out.

We open with Ariana-Daria, Princess Scheana and Katie in the kitchen. A-D cannot believe that Pete (RIP Hipster Ponytail) has organised a 'boys trip' to Vegas the day after her birthday. Quite frankly, I am surprised that it has taken this long into the season to organise SOMEONE'S trip to goddamn Vegas, it's like the Benidorm of America, ugh...


Pete grovels to Lisa for some time off, Lisa doesn't think it's a Very Good Idea at all that he and Jax go to Vegas (DUH!) and pointedly reminds Jax that he once sperminated a cocktail waitress there. Ahh the good old days, when Jax the Nose was Jax the Walking Gland.

Poor Dawson :(

We quickly cut to Lalalaaa and DJ George Michael's Cousin, it's all manner of totes awks. Lalalaaa doesn't understand why Ariana-Daria wouldn't invite her to her party but DJ TFB completely understands why he hasn't been. They decide to go for drinks with each other instead...DJ TFB's shout, y'all!

While putting together goodie bags, Ariana-Daria and Sandoval discuss how 'she's really not keen on the Vegas trip that Sandoval will take in the morning. She declares that she 'doesn't want to guilt trip him' into not going, but we all know that's what's up.

"Don't act sad about it because you don't really care"

Meanwhile, over at Schwartz and Katies, Schwartz is trying to say that the Vegas trip is not REALLY a souped-up douche road trip filled with strippers and copious amounts of Fireball, it's all about Peter and his birthday and all that touchy feely stuff. Katie is not having a bar of it.

"It's not like I think that he is going to cheat on me again," she confesses to camera. "We just said NO BOYS TRIPS...." Well, that's black and white then.

Even the puppy knows you're skating on thin ice, mate...

Sandoval meets Peter outside the party and Peter lets him know that they are going to be playing with DIGGERS! No strip clubs or titty bars, it is bulldozers allll the way! Sandoval's inner five year old can't even with this, he decides then and there that he is going even though he told Ariana-Daria last night that he wasn't....ruh-roh...
Ariana-Daria's party looks untold, it is everything a proper 'kidult' party should be. Sumo wrestling suits, balloon crowns, pool noodles and, of course, copious amounts of straight spirits. These guys wouldn't know a mixer or a hydrating glass of San Pellegrino if it bopped them on the head with an inflatable pretzel! I have no idea at all who's house this is but it looks like total L.A suburbia, I'm pretty sure there's a Star Wars porn parody gonna be filmed there later...

Oh, Chewie...

Of course, talk turns to the Vegas trip which is planned for tomorrow and ALL the female significant others have their Victoria's Secret knickers in a twist about it. I mean, this shindig is planned for TOMORROW, surely it is too late to get a refund on their Super Saver South-West flight, right? Jax's girl, Kentucky however, gives her kiss of approval. She's obviously clueless to the spermination...I can hear the wind blow between her ears...

I trus' you baby!

FAITH IS THERE!! They let her out of Solange's Basement for da parteeeeee! Princess Scheana thinks it's ok that Lalalaaa isn't there because 'she barely knows Ariana' which is true enough, however P.S decides to make it all about her again by apologizing to Faith No More that she doesn't know her very well because FNM started when she was 'going through some stuff'. Ugh, Scheana is just the worst.  She also says all of this whilst wearing what looks like a pastel Jeff Koons condom crown on her head...and her hubby is doing shots in the corner?

Katie and Schwartz are having a moment by the pool, she is crying because 'my whole life is about my relationship right now' so she cannot believe that he would go without her. Oh, Katie, you in danger gurl, from your own co-dependence! Schwartz sticks to his guns though, he's goin' to Vegas, baby! He's going for the DIGGERS! Does anyone else hate her nickname? Bubby is something I call my dog or it's the name the old lady at a NYC bagel house calls everyone who walks through for a lox on rye.

Sparkly unicorn Ariana-Daria and Katie have a chat about Vegas too. Katie doesn't want to be the 'tyrant girlfriend' and say he can't go whereas Ariana-Daria is more concerned about her sleep in after her birthday being interrupted by Schwartz packing for Vegas, or's not actually quite clear if she is that upset or is it all for show?

Apparently there is a lot more going on and, as it turns out, Ariana-Daria lost her Papa recently but, being the stoic young lass that she is, she is not going on about every...single...minute...(I am side-eyeing YOU Princess Scheana...).

Eventually, she talks to Sandoval about it, goddamn it, someone started cutting ONIONS in here!! As someone who has lost their father, I totally get where she is coming from with this. But, as she is telling him about how her Dad said a Lou Gehrig speech to her every birthday, you can tell the one thing on his stupid, cotton-pickin' little mind is.....DIGGERS!

Oh no, Code Red Crying Girlfriend alert!

"All you have to know is that right now, with this, I am not going anywhere," Sandoval knows exactly what to say but does he really mean it?? "I'm always going to be here for you but apparently we are going to a construction yard and we're taking bulldozers and we're, like, crushing shit with bulldozers."

FO REALZ???????? The derps is strong in this one.....Ariana-Daria cannot believe this shit is really happening, she's all about her grief and her dead Papa and he's all, like...DIGGERS! He pleads with her like a baby to be able to go and all she can say is "Like, okay, fine...whatever dude," chica is Over

Dumped for diggers....

Back at S.U.R the next day, it's just the ladies working so this should be fun. Lisa wants to know about Ariana-Daria's Kidult party and Lalalaaa manages to slip in that she wasn't invited and seems pissy about it. This is confusementing me as I thought she didn't care but I guess the Manufactured Drama Coach has said that she must.

Aaaaaaand we're off to Sin City with the Derp Crew! WHOOP! Vegas trips are always the best on VPR but it will be even better with DIGGERS! But when they get to the digger place the manager asks them to blow into a breathalyser which worries them supremely, luckily these lightweight bozos all blow 0.00 and they are off.  "I'm here to fuck shit up!" Jax the Nose is excited.

Look at me, moving dirt from one pile over to another pile...

The diggers pits are pretty tame, everyone is whooping and hollering but all they really do is shift some dirt around and drive over some, really tiny hills....I was expecting them to at the very least bulldoze some fake buildings or fell a tree or two...there was deffo no 'crushing of shit'.

High vis excitements

Now we can get onto the serious business of steak, potatoes, beer and Jax the Nose's ass. There's always that one friend who takes things to the extreme, they drink too much, then they eat a room service burger Hasselhoff-style and then they start getting nekkid....ahhh, Jax....

No Jax, just no...

What would Kentucky say?

It's a Schwartz Sandwich!

Jax justifies his behaviour by saying that if he wasn't doing frat bro shit in the room he would be out it the big wide world doing sweaty Jax Bad Things. He's probably very right but they go out anyway....ruh-roh...

Meanwhile, back at S.U.R, DJ TFB thinks he wasn't invited to Vegas because Jax is afraid he will steal his limelight and girls. Errr, no TFB it is because...

Back at Princess Scheana's Cave of Eyes, da girls are having a slumber party because, of course, that is what ALL girlfriends do when their naughty fellas are in Vegas, right?? The whole set up looks painful apart from the PJ's, wearing pajamas at any gathering is a-okay in my book.

Pajama shots!

Scheana thinks that the boys should be worried about them and how much trouble they are going to get into in their pajamas at someone's private apartment, hmmmm.....yeah nah. They start by playing some truth or dare game where they have to reveal their true thoughts about sex acts and this is how we find out that Ariana-Daria doesn't always like to be on the receiving end of oral sex because 'there's too much pressure to perform', sounds like Sandoval doesn't have a magic tongue after all.

Rilly gurl??

Over enormous, comedy style glasses of wine, they decide that they really should have invited Lalaaaa because BOTH Faith No More and Sassy Gay Friend Jesse are there, of course, Lalalaaa should come.....ruh-roh...

The Vegas Lightweight Digging Crew have showered, stopped engaging in homoerotic behaviours and hit da club. This leaves them exposed to the wiles of the entire female population and cannot end well. Pete reckons that his relationship has hit a point that because he DOESN'T cheat it is meaningful because he COULD cheat.....ugh. Schwartz indulges in some daggy dancing and wistfully wishes that the girls were there, awwww.

Lalalaaa walks into the cold lair of Princess Scheana's Apartment of Doom, she is immediately handed a shot and this means she is no longer on the outs, she is a fully fledged S.U.R Bitch. They will all be Blood Sisters by the end of the ep, I am sure.

Olive Branch SHOT!

Talk descends into sex again and soon enough the girl pashing is ON. This is typical millennial behaviour, they think it's so shocking to stick your tongue down your female friend's throat but really, it's just icky unless you are that way inclined.

Get a room...or not...

Of course, they send videos and pics to the boys in Vegas who then try to send back their own pash-n-dash pics but all they can handle is a tiny, weeny peck on the lips before they gross out. I mean, half an hour ago they had each others' asses in their face but kissing each otherdrunk is gross?

Sassy Gay BF knows how lame this is...

Schwartz drunk Face Times with the girls, they all joke about going out again and fucking girls and suddenly...they leave again! Ruh-roh, this is not going to end

Soz this was a whole week late....I've been busy with Evil Step-mother duties , but at least you are gonna get double penetrated today with TTM doing THIS week's update in a matter of hours!! WOOT!!


  1. AWESOME! It's like I watched the show without actually having to watch

    1. Hehehe, then my job is D.O.N.E!

  2. High vis excitement! Bwahaha!!

    But wait. Schwartzie cheated on Bubba before??? Awwww I spent the whole next episode digging on their relashie

    1. Well it was just a pash 'n' dash, he didn't sick his Winkie in anyone.

    2. Whattsa pash n dash? Does it involve Indian cuisine?

    3. Pash =making out so pash 'n' dash is when you make out with a random and run away.....usually at the club after doing many shots of Patron....

    4. Ohhokay! That's not CHEATING, Bubba! That's what alcohol is FOR!

    5. Fo realz....I don't understand the younger generation...'hooking up' could just be a pash but it my day that was bumping uglies! I wonder if Schwartz held hands with a random girl if that would be classified as cheating??

    6. I'm just worried, if she thinks THAT is cheating her heed is gonna explode after marriage. If they ever marry, that is

    7. Oh they will get marries fo reals, they can't NOT! Last few seasons, Katie was heavily influenced by Stassi who has really farked up Southern ideals of what gender and relationship norms are. Hopefully she is coming away from that light now...