Wednesday, 30 December 2015

BRR American Horror Story:Hotel Recap S5:E3 Mommy

Tristan is back at Mr March’s place and he knows that he’s the most famous serial killer of all time. He tells him that he googled him and March says “That sounds obscene.”  Hahaha.  Tristan then tells him he was right, killing *is* awesome and he wants a “High Five”. March looks at him like he’s nuts and says, “Gooooood” in that voice of his.  

Will Drake walks into the suite with Naomi Campbell and Tristan is sitting on the couch.  “Get your paws off, I’m not here to be a deposit in your spank bank.”  Even his son thinks that’s a good one and says he got owned.

Measles kid has to go to the hospital, and we get a little backstory on Sad cop’s wife, Alex (Yay, look at me learning more character names, whoot!).  She tells us that she had a bad life growing up and that she finally felt whole when Holden was born.  She says that she loved him more than her husband and her daughter.  She bonded with him as a soul mate and her life is nothing now that he’s gone.  She tried to kill herself, Sad Cop finding her with slit wrists in a full tub at one point.

Well then, that’s the end of Naomi Campbell’s character, as Junkie Schmidt pops out of his stitched up mattress, grabs her and stabs her to death.  Okay.  Bai.  Junkie Schmidt stumbles in the lobby gasping for breath saying, “Help me”.  Next thing we know he’s on a gurney at the hospital telling Sad Cop he’s sorry and he didn’t mean to kill anybody, that that junkie did this to him and made him do it.  Sad Cop goes to find Sally at the hotel and she comes on to him while he once again threatens to put her, just like Iris last episode, in handcuffs.  She disappears in the elevator after some more heavy petting.  What is wrong with this idiot dude?

Back at a murder scene, Sad Cop and partner find a man and a woman with their tongues cut out and speared to tables.  They are reporters for tabloids and they come to the conclusion that this is part of the Ten Commandant Murder theme for bearing false witness.

Tristan comes to see Drake, trying to make fake-nice with him. He starts to seduce him and Drake is all in until Tristan grabs a knife to kill him.  Mama Gaga appears at the door and with just a gentle shake of her head he puts the knife away and retreats.

Former Boy-Toy is back to collect some things and he tells Mamma Iris he’s moving.  She thinks they’ll live together and he informs her there is no way in hell that will happen.  He hates her and he always has and always will. After all, she did have them join a vegetarian cult growing up and he shit himself at school he ate so much fiber. She asks what will she be if she’s not his mother and he replies she should kill herself.  Nice.  He leaves and feeds off a junkie off the streets.  

Afterwards he runs into the most divine Angela Bassett and she zaps him with a stun gun then throws him in the trunk of her car.  He wakes up in a mansion tied to a chair with his blood being drained and then replaced by different blood.  She tells him he’s not good to anyone in his condition, she’s going to clean his junkie blood up.  He asks who she is and she replies that the better question is who she was. She is Ramona Royale and we flashback to her starring in a series of Blaxploitation films Ala Pam Grier, with titles like “Silky Fine” and ”Black Explosion”.  She asks a producer for a shot in a lead and then Gaga shows up.  Gaga ends up turning her and they have a torrid love affair until 1991 when she meets a rapper named Prophet Moses.  He turns out to be the greatest love of her life, so she turns him. 

After, they walk into his recording studio where Gaga sits looking just like Madonna circa “Who’s That Girl”, surrounded by a half of a dozen dead workers.  She’s crying and she shoots Moses in the head with a silver bullet.  She can’t have one of her creations also create, she voiceovers.  So she explains to ex boy-toy, since she took away the only thing she ever cared for, she is going to do the same thing, and he’s going to help her.  He asks if she thinks that killing him will make up for it and she laughs saying she means her baby creations, the little blonde kids. 

Alex comes to the hotel to see her husband and she’s brought him divorce papers.  He doesn’t want a divorce at all and he breaks down, crying begging her to stay, saying he’s going crazy.  She takes him to his room and sees all of his morbid murder scene pictures hanging all over the wall.  She tells he needs to sleep and gives him pills.  He apologizes to her for everything and she says it's not his fault.  In a moment with her guard down they kiss and start to make out on his bed.  Sad Cop makes the mistake of telling her they should make another baby which sobers her libido right on up, “Jesus, what am I doing?”  She tells him to sign the divorce papers and she splits.  Heading through the hotel’s hallway she sees dead Naomi Campbell, covered in blood. Campbell tells her, “If this was hell, I’d be the one in that awful Zara knockoff you’re wearing.”  Haha. She then spies her boy Holden and she begins walking toward him:  “Holden?”  “Hi mommy.”

Gaga goes to see Drake, telling him he needs to die.  He wonders why she’s flirting with him and reminds her that he’s gay.  She kisses him until Tristan storms in, pissed as all get out.  She purrs at Drake, “By the way, you’re hard.” and leaves, telling him she’ll be in touch.  She explains to Tristan that she’s lost all of her money to Bernie Madoff and that her plan is to marry Drake, kill him, and then take all his money.

Sally is preparing to inject Iris with a fatal dose of heroin at the request of Iris.  She wants to die because she had nothing to live for anymore now that she knows her son hates her.  Sally asks her if she has any more business there at the Hotel Cortez because she doesn’t want anything else to do with her after this, “Don’t haunt my hallways, bitch.”  As she holds a mirror under her nose after injecting her, Iris opens her eyes.  “Jesus, you’re unbelievable.  I gave you enough to kill an entire marching band” Sally says in disgust.  

“Plan B” is Sally grabbing a plastic bag and putting it over her head.  Just as she’s dying there’s a knock on the door.  It’s Iris’s son and he’s been chastised and been TOLD by Elizabeth Taylor, who told him to quit being a giant, whiny tool and that his mother is the only person in the world that will love him forever even if she is annoying.  He finds his mother dead and he cries as he slices his forearem and begs her to come back to him.  Sally is all, DO NOT DO THAT!  As Iris wakes up, turned, Sally leaves us with this doozy of a line, “Now that’s some twisted poetic justice.”  That was a fun one! See you for episode four! 


  1. Good lawd. I feel like I need a shower. That's a lot of killing and maiming.

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