Saturday, 26 December 2015

BRR American Horror Story Recap S5:E1 Checking In

Hey there, this is Renoblondee.  After binge watching all of the former AHS's, I'm all caught up and will be recapping Hotel.  Thanks for reading! 
We open the new season with two beautiful blonde tourists from Sweden entering the Hotel Cortez and finding it deserted. 
Finally Kathy Bates, or “Iris”, comes out and the girls find everything too creepy, which it is, GET OUT, and demand their deposit back.  That would be a great big nope!  The ladies don’t have enough money to go elsewhere, so they resign themselves to the creepy hotel.   Right away things get weirder.  Blonde #1 goes to get ice and starts seeing visions of creepy kids.  When she gets back, Blonde # two tells her that there is a terrible smell and she can’t get rid of it no matter how many of her candles she lights!  They decide it’s coming from the mattress and see that it is sewn together.  They cut it open and low and behold a weird, bald, monster dude comes out shrieking.  Next thing we know the blondes are being ushered into a master suite, number 64, told that they have no other choice of where to go.  They’re impressed by the suite, momentarily satisfied.  That is until blonde number whoever finds her friend being munched on by some little blonde kiddies in the bathroom. 

Meanwhile, a smarmy looking druggie (Hey Schmidt from New Girl, heeeeey!) checks in and promptly shoots up heroin, blissing out.  Next thing you know, a weird, bald monster dude is, ummmm, violating him violently from behind with a torture spiked dildo.  It’s very graphic and disturbing.  Thanks Ryan Murphy.  Did. Not. Need. To. See. Junkie Schmidt is screaming in pain as Sarah Paulson’s circa 90s dressed hooker look walks in.  She tells him that it will end if he tells her he loves her.  He tells her and a single tear falls down her cheek.  She makes him repeat it and then his pupils expand, he dies. 

Lady Gaga and her man (Matt Bomer) get ready for a night out, stopping at an outdoor viewing of the old horror classic film Nosferatu.  They make eyes at a handsome couple, ending up at the hotel and having a sexy four-way romp in bed to the song “Tear You Apart,” by She Wants Revenge and it was kind of super awesome!  That is, until Gaga and boy-toy Bomer signal each other and slit the couple’s throat simultaneously which apparently finishes them off.  They delight in the blood and smoke a ciggie after.  Ahem.  Interesting sex life, these two.

So, back to the Swedish blondies.  Bates now has them strung up in a room and she’s going to feed them organ meat and wine that she’s blended up through a tube.  She mentions something about them needing to taste better for Gaga by detoxing them with the concoction.  Junkie hooker pants Sarah walks in and tells her to show some compassion.  They argue and Iris leaves her with the blondes, telling her she’s had enough.  Junkie Hooker Pants tells one blonde to run, which she does.  Unfortunately Gaga sees her and slits her throat with her finger razor.  She tells Iris to not let it happen again.

While all this is going on we learn about Sad Cop (Wes Bentley) and his backstory.  We first meet him at the scene of a murder/torture.  A cheating couple are, well cheating, and the woman is dead, an arrow through her chest, her hands nailed to the bed board and still sitting naked, yes sitting, on top of him.  His eyeballs and tongue are missing (they’re in the ashtray!!!) and he’s also still in, uh, her.  Sad cop finds Super Glue and Viagra by the bed.  Yeah.  Anyway, we’ll just pretend that didn’t happen.  Lalalala. 

So, he’s got a pretty wife at home (played by Chloe Sevigny), a pretty daughter, and a cute little son, that has been kidnapped right off a carousal at a carnival that the family was at.  The whole family is haunted by the kidnapping and they are all having a hard time moving on.  To top this off, there is a stranger calling Sad Cop, messing with him, telling him that he’s at the Hotel Cortez in room 64 where Junkie Schmidt was. He arrives and Iris tells Elizabeth Taylor, (Dennis O’Hare, LOVE this character!) to escort him to the room.  Finding nothing there, Sad Cop falls asleep and doesn’t see Junkie Schmidt awaken under the bed!  But, he does possibly see his son, or a kid he knows at least.  In a dream or not, we don’t know.  Later, he takes his daughter for sushi and receives a text from his wife’s cell phone saying she needs help, that’s it’s an emergency.  He drives to the spot and enters a building.  The daughter gets spooked waiting and follows him in.  She finds two men with their intestines spilling out, hanging dead from the rafters.  This prompts Sad Cop to leave his ladies with police protection and to split for a while.  He heads to, of course, the Hotel Cortez.

This whole thing is a total WTF.  But, we do find out a little more towards the end.  Apparently Gaga’s boy-toy was also a junkie and Iris is his mamma.  Junkie hooker pants gave him her heroin back in the 90s and it killed him right there in the hotel.  Iris had followed them in and begged her not to give him any. While looking out an open window as she was leaving, wobbly and doped up, Iris took the opportunity to push Junkie Hooker Pants out the window.  This is apparently why JHP (I guess she has the name of Sally) is Iris’s “beginning and end of all my suffering.”  In this flashback, Iris finds Gaga with boy-toy telling her, “He’s got a jawline for days.”  This is why Iris can’t, or won’t leave; she wants to stay with her boy. So, is she the only one not dead?

So, Gaga has brought in some handsome new guy that she sold the hotel to and boy-toy is JELLY! New guy also has a preteen son.  Gaga brings the son to a special room where there is candy and electronic games and cool stuff.  And also…….dun dun dun…….Sad Cop’s kidnapped son!

See you next episode!


  1. Yay Reno, I would MUCH rather read about it than WATCH it, thanks for doin it!

  2. Great job, Reno! Heading to see a movie shortly, but will be back to comment.

  3. Well ok. Sounds . . . bloody? Is Gaga any good?

    1. She's actually not a bad actress at all surprisingly. She's pretty good so far.