Tuesday, 29 December 2015

BRR American Horror Story:Hotel Recap S5:E2 Chutes and Ladders

Hey there, welcome back to episode two!  Are we ready for some more blood and sex drenched grossness?  Good!

We start off with Sally and her perma-tear stained faced hovering over a mattress encased Junkie Schmidt.  She breathes over his mouth, and then he gasps back to life telling her she lied, that he wasn't free.  She calls him an asshole and then kisses him, lacing him back into the mattress.

She wanders off toward the sound of screams, coming upon the last Swedish blonde left being fed upon by the little blonde boy who we're guessing is Sad Cop's son Holden.  He announces she tastes bad and Iris says that's because she's dead and to stop feeding.  Sally perma-cries while Elizabeth Taylor gets rid of the body, throwing it down a chute where she lands with other rotting corpses.

Now we come to the children's play room where Iris is overseeing all the blonde kiddies getting their blood drawn.  She then brings Gaga a brandy snifter of the blood she wants to visit, but Gaga shuts the door in her face.  She wants to go to an art opening but boy-toy wants to stay in saying, "Besides, you don't have the money." She retorts, "We're not going for the art, dumb ass.  We're going for the hunt."  She does not look happy about Mr. Boring Pants.  I must say, Gaga has moments where she is absolutely stunning and I've never thought of her as beautiful, but beautiful she is at times.

Sad Cop's wife is a pediatrician and apparently does house calls.  She diagnoses a young boy, telling an idiot mom that her son has the measles.  She's obviously disgusted with her for not vaccinating him and gives him a mini lecture.  PREACH!  But that is the oddest little boy room I have seen.  Nothing but a bed and a dresser.  Huh.  Spending all the set money on laundry for all the bloodstains I reckon?

We cut to Sad Cop having hallucinations of dead people (ghosts?) having the sex in his shower, motioning for him to join and then seeing his son in the hallway.  He runs into Sally at the bar, where she tells him her smack addiction story and he tells her his alcohol addiction story.  Summed up:  she couldn't get high enough anymore, and he went on a bender after a particularly bad scene where an entire family died, not coming home for three days. The day after he comes back was the day his son went missing.  Back at the office he receives a package that he thinks it's a bomb, but it's not. Overreact much?  Oh look, it's what looks like an Oscar statue of sorts.  Okay.

There's a fashion show at the hotel and  Naomi Campbell makes her entrance.  Elizabeth Taylor sees her and says, "Skinny jeans are out, fringe is in, ponchos are forever.  Make a note of it."  Werd. Sad Cop's daughter, Scarlett arrives for a visit and sees the party going on and asks to stay.  The new hotel owner invites them to stay, seating her with his son.

Bad Cop sits with a very interested Naomi, while Gaga also drools over him.  Boy-toy tells her she certainly has a type, while I nod in agreement because all of these dark-haired men on this show look exactly alike to me!  So confused half the time. AND..,ANOTHER dark-haired man is introduced.  But it's okay!  It's Finn Wittrock, Dandy from "Freakshow" who was the best thing ever on that season!  He plays a runway model that likes to snort heroin and kiss other guys' girls in the audience.  Gaga is smitten.  "He's full of rage.  I can still smell it.  Like copper", she says in a lovesick daze.  After the show Rage boy decides he doesn't want to be a model anymore and slices a big gash in his cheek with a razor.  This is your decision making skills on drugs, kids.

Meanwhile, the owner's son takes Scarlett on a tour of the hotel, whre she sees...DUN DUN DUN...her brother in a glass coffin.  Oh you silly commercial breaks!

Owner dude (Will Drake) is about to put the smack down on Rage boy Tristan when he throws a fit in his suite looking for coke.  Gaga steps in and calmly says "Let him go."  So he does.  Of course. Rage boy leaves and stumbles into the elevator where it sticks on level seven.  He pries open the doors and runs into our Peter Evans playing a 1920s type with that old fashioned, stagey actor-voice accent.  He watches Rage boy snort his drugs and says, "Bolivian Marching Powder.  Too tame for my taste, I've found a far better way to stimulate."  He tries to get Rage boy to shoot a captive woman, but he won't do it, so Evans does it himself, his maid excited over the "glorious stain" on the sheets.   Running off, Gaga grabs Rage boy in the elevator.

Scarlett has taken a bus back to the hotel to find her brother.  She finds him in the kids room where he's playing Space Invaders.  He tells her he's home there and she can visit him.  She wonders why he hasn't aged.  When she takes of selfie of them he goes in for a neck nibble.  She runs off smack into Sally and Sally starts cackling loudly, her teeth crumbling, blood running out of her mouth. Scarlett shrieks and runs off, while Sally deadpans, "Kids are the best."

Back at home, Scarlett's parents are nuts with worry until she shows up and tries to tell them about Holden at the hotel.  Of course they don't believe her and course his face is covered by blur in the selfie.

It seems Rage boy has been turned by Gaga and he's super turned on by how much more awesome he looks. They have bathtub sex and she gives him vampire advice.  "Avoid the diseased, the feeble, the polluted." and "The sun won't kill you but should be avoided.  It can sap your vitality."  While they bond, he busts out with the gem, "You know what I can't wait for?  To hug Kendall Jenner. Bitch blew me off once at Coachella.  Can I kill her?"  Hahahahaha.  So we find out Gaga was born in 1904 and she liked the late 1970s the most.  We see a flashback of her riding a horse in a Studio 54 like club led by gold shorts, roller skate wearing men.  She then feeds in view of everyone, saying, "We were all vampires then." OG Boy-toy walks in during their reverie, JELLY AF and she ends it with him, telling him they learn by the biggest heartbreaks.

Sad Cop is desperate for info, so he pretends like he's going to cuff Iris and she calls his bluff, telling him she'll tell him whatever he wants to know.  She tells him about Evan's character, James Patrick March, who built the hotel.  He was new money, so he moved out west to build it with secret rooms and walkways to commit his murders and tortures.  We are then shown a succession of gross murder scenes in black and white.  Less red at least.  Someone eventually turns him in and his ever faithful laundress/maid (played by the wonderful Mare Winningham) lets him know when the police come for him.  He offers a choice of who dies first and what weapon to use and she chooses herself and the gun.  She wants the honor of him killing her for "his last meal", so he shoots her in the head and then he slices his own throat.  After hearing all of this Sad Cop is not impressed. Before he leaves, Iris tells him that his room, number 64, was his office and it contains the heart of evil.

At the office Sad Cop is tying a series of murders together as the "Ten Commandments" murders, thinking someone has started back where March left off.

Rage Boy finds a hipster bearded, man-bun dude online, he comes over and they start to get it on. Gaga walks in and hipster is not having it and says "Look dude you're hot, but vag action is a total deal breaker."  Rage boy stabs him in the neck and sucks the blood from him, "Just because I'm sucking on a dude doesn't mean I'm gay.  Do you want some?"  Gaga replies that she'd rather watch and fondles herself.  MOAR blood covered kissing and bed and sex and...end scene.  Fini.  Until episode three y'all!


  1. I am going to have to take your word on the Gaga-as-great actress and bootiful, lady

    1. Well, she's not a great actress, no. She doesn't have a lot of dialogue and Ryan totally wrote the part for her so she's kind of playing herself. But it's working for her, it's good stuff.

    2. And it's also the lighting and sexy scenes where she looks so lovely. It's not ALL the time!

  2. It sounds kind of Natural Born Killers! Do you get that vibe?

  3. This is so not my genre. Even reading about it gives me the heebs. But you go Reno!

    1. But you watch The Strain. Still bumfuzzled...

  4. I am good with the recaps. Well done, Reno