Monday, 14 December 2015

BRR Top Chef S13:E3 Spines and Vines

So I don't have Last Chance Kitchen yet, so I don't know if Guru Garret or super sassy chef Renee is still in this, but let's see what happens this week!

Grayson is finally getting that she's not doing well because of her FOOD and that yelling at the judges isn't making it taste any better. Padma comes in to the Monday Morning quarterbacks review and advised them to get a lot of sleep; they're gonna be road trippin' tomozza!

Everyone gives Kwame props for saving his team and makes fun of Grayson at the same time: win/win! Is it just me or is it strange to see a bunch of grown adults traveling together for a road trip in minivans. I mean. Nobody's high or drinking. What's the POINT??

Jeremy tells us a bunch about his little girl, who he named after Madelines and is 8 years old. Frances opens up about her childhood, that's the last road trip she took; running away in the car. Her single dad didn't accept her life(style?) and she was a drug addict for awhile. It's such a reoccurring theme, I can't believe in this day and age that people's families don't accept their own children due to gender identity or sexual orientation. This day and age! LOVE YOUR KIDS. Geez.

ANYWAY. Road trip done, they meet an urchin diver in Santa Barbara. Yeeaaaahhhhh y'all know what I think of when I see Santa Barbara! !

The 80s were rough on hurr. I see you Robin Wright!!

They actually eat the sea urchins raw and spiny with plastic forks. HARD pass

Oh no wait! It gets better! They're eating the sea urchins gonads and apparently sea urchin reproductive organs taste like a combination of cucumber and melon. Allllll the herkz. Phillip makes a point of introducing himself to the diver; good to see someone was paying attention to the feedback from the judges re: respecting the people sent to help them. She eyerolls.

They meet Padma and the Food & Wine suit at a winery: makes sense!  The suit is the editor, my bad, and she knows Jason, who was voted Best New Chef. It's so incestuous! ! Surely there can't be only 20 chefs in the US, right?? Oh wow, Jason was so young when that happened, just a wee bebeh!

That's him in the middle, with hair!

They're doing a Sudden Death Quickfire Challenge. In a field. Surrounded by bugs and wheat and unsanitary conditions. I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! However, immunity is up for grabs, they just have to prepare a complete dish with the sea urchin (called Uni) and pair it with a wine in 25 minutes. With no running water. I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!! Lessee. What exactly DOES go with urchin gonads? I'm distract


I don't know if that's necessary but sometimes I get get snaphappy. Frances worked in the Middle East for 7 years and alcohol is forbidden and she worried. 25 minutes is NOT a lot of time, even without the wine pairing. She's doing a coconut curry dish but Wesley is excited to finally getta cook French food. They share a workspace, don't you be scurred to push his shite off your area, Frances! He's a messy bastage.

Marjorie is scavenging for plants while Chad interviews that he is sober and not able to sample wines. He's young for that, good luck, fella. Addiction is a BEAST. Giselle figures this is her challenge, since she works in West Hollywood (WeHo?) and with Uni EVERY.DAY, son. She wants to make Uni and Eggs (sounds just so very gross), but she can't find any eggs because Chad beaten her to the punch.  So I guess this is actually a thing.

Isaac (who Chad calls Swamp People on steroids) slams his Uni open with a cleaver while everyone else carefully cuts them open with craft scissors. He is making Uni Potato Salad because he thinks Uni tastes just like crab roe and how did people start eating gonads anyway?? Hey, the arms taste great, let's check out their baby factories!!

Jason is doing a salad, Karen is doing a lemongrass sweet and sour something, planning to whip the Uni in with egg yolks and I think I figured out what happened to the rest of the eggs, Giselle! Grayson blah blah blah my bf is a sommelier blah. Karen in trouble, her soup does not look good

Jeremy is up first with his Chardonnay and acidic food

Angelina's pasta dish is called salty

Grayson's crab salad gets good reviews

Jason has also made a crab salad, but he gets chastised for the Uni not taking center stage flavour-wise

 Karen's unfortunate looking soup does not do well

Giselle has made a muffin? A potato muffin? The editor doesn't think the wine compliments the dish at all.

Chad's sea urchin omelet is well received while Giselle gnashes her teeth

And then the rest

Judging! Favourites are Grayson, Wesley and Carl. The winner is Grayson, yaaayyyy!! That means she has immunity and we won't see her angrily moping at judging.

On the bottom are Angelina (too salty), Karen (where the Uni at?)and Giselle (puzzling: raw potato). Giselle loses and she now has to beat another chef to stay in the competition. If she beats the other chef, they both get to stay,  but if she doesn't,  home she goes. She chooses Angelina and I'd say that was a wise choice.

They have 20 more minutes and...ostrich eggs. Like for reals. THERE'S YOUR EGG(S) GISELLE! Make it work! Angelina encourages her and we're ALL confused. Um.

The other chefs cheer on the ladies in a really unfortunate way; counting down, lots of "what's that??" and ain't nobody got time fo dat!

Giselle's scrambled eggs look okay

But Angelina's confuses me

The judges are all stonefaced but neither one did well. Giselle did pull it out, though, and she gets to stay.

Now the real challenge!  Come ON! This show is impossible.  They have to team up to do a Surf & Turf meal, paired with wines, natch. Since Grayson has immunity, she isn't allowed to partner with anyone. TeamGrayson!

The other teams are: Kwame & Chad, Jeremy & Phillip,  Angelina & Giselle, Isaac & Chad, Jason & Frances,  Amar & Wesley and Marjorie & Karen.

The chefs battle it out for proteins and poor Kwame and Chad get stuck with rock crab and rack of lamb. That sounds spewy. Full disclosure: I hate lamb. Kwame is thinking Asian!

Jason and Frances have pork and black cod, and two very different styles of cooking; Italian and Asian. They settle on Thai as a compromise and I am suddenly very worried for Best Chef Jason.

Marjorie and Karen and their pork loin and rock cod are feeling pretty confident, and heeeeyyyyy! Marjorie has a sleeve! She's all hunchy and lacking confidence but is clearly a badass!

Jeremy and Phillip have spot prawns and ribeye steaks, the ultimate surf and turf combo; I think they will be up against it as far as making it different and exciting.

Giselle and Angelina are not doing well, and they have a giant target on they bums. At Whole Foods everyone watches while they discuss getting butter or not (what?? ALWAYS GET THE BUTTER) and they sound like they're getting along. But aren't.

It hurts me to see the chefs having to keep purchasing herbs and dried spices; what happens to the leftovers?  The $6.49 jar of oregano minus one teaspoon.  Must remember to check if they donate or something.

Back at the kitchen, Tom shows up and everyone tries to hide. The challenge has a twist! Now the teammates are working against each other: surf VS turf. They also have to separate allllls the food they just purchased; should have got that damn butter, Angelina!

Carl says he should have picked Giselle and he and Isaac laugh and laugh

Frances knows she has this in the bag, since they bought everything for her suggested Thai food, which Jason doesn't know how to cook. He screwed.

Grayson gets to pick whatever team she will be competing against; she chooses Amar and Wesley. That's a tough team, goodonya. Just watch out for The Hoarder.

Cook day! Everyone but Grayson has tonnes of time to play around and blah blah.  Too much jocularity does not bode well. WaitaMINUTE!! Amar is cooking chicken feet??

Kwame helps Chad out with his lamb, one team one dream, y'all. 10 minutes to finish!

Judging time! This time they're at a lovely outdoor table with a buncha other chefs and restaurant owners and that's a lot of people to feed. Wesley has tough meat and it will not be good.

Amar's fish is overcooked

Wesley's is fussy AND bland

So Grayson's laquered pork belleh takes that round and moves on

Next up is Jeremy vs Phillip, and Jeremy's spot prawns are well received.

Phillip made butter! !!! HE.MADE.BUTTER!! He is my new hero. He doesn't win, but everyone liked both

Angelina's mussels surf is NOT liked

But they dig Giselle's quail and she moves on

Kwame's Flavourtown Crab

Is up against Chad's lollipopped Lamb

And they actually tie! Tom has to call it and he goes with Kwame's crab.  That was a good competition! Gentlemen's Duel indeed

Isaac made halibut but it was slightly overcooked

And Carl did chicken and it's split again!

Carl wins but it was a squeaker.  I like these ones!

Karen was worried about her fish overcooking and left it just that little bit too late...including one entire missing piece of fish. Padma doesn't get any fish. Wow. I've never seen that. It is reviewed really well.

Marjorie's pork loin is NOT well received and she loses. Even though one judge didn't getta eat. Wow.

Jason is changing his dish with exactly one minute and 20 seconds left, which is still better than

Frances torching her fish with 20 seconds to go.  Whew boy.

The judges hated both but pick Jason as the lesser of two bad dishes.

Wesley is having a meltdown and he's just disappointed in himself. Did I mention that the guy who owned the restaurant he is now executive chef at is one of the judges? TOTALLY IS. Kwame tries to talk him up, but really, he isn't gonna settle until after he knows.

Final judging! Kwame, Karen and Jeremy are up for the win, but Karen isn't allowed to win, given that she didn't actually feed Padma. Kwame wins it all, yay! AND he gets a barrel of wine!

And we have Wesley, Frances and Angelina in the bottom. Wesley for the tough steak (in front of his boss no less!), Frances for her fussy plate and Angelina for completely messing up mussels. And we lose Frances.  I'm sorry for that.  I like her and her food and that was my sous chef compatriot! Dang it. Good luck Angelina, turn that shite around.

The chefs are off to Palm Springs next, have knives will travel! What did yous guys think? I was excited to see so many good dishes go head to head and really,  glad that Wesley gets to redeem himself.


  1. I think Last Chance Kitchrn is online? Idk I always just wait until the next weeks TC ep to see the winner.

    1. Oh I do know Garret won!

    2. I found that out at the end! He's so stare-y!

  2. It always blows my mind how they come up with these dishes on the fly, especially when they're thrown crazy fancy ingredients.

    Love love LOVE Kwame! And not just because he is the new proud owner of a barrel of wine.

    The ostrich egg challenge confused me. Why did Angelina get to stay?

    1. 25 minutes! 25 minutes to come up with a whole dish and pair it with something! And that included gonad-extraction time!

      Angelina got to stay because Giselle was betting that she would beat Angelina. She did, so they both got to stay. If Angelina had won, she would have knocked Giselle out

    2. Ooohhh. My recording started late so I missed that bit. I was sooo confused for most of the ep.

  3. I also really like Marjorie and Chad. His friendship with Kwame had me all smiley.

    1. It's nice, isn't it?? I like it when they're friendly!

  4. Tom trying and failing to contain his smiggles when announcing Kwame as the round winner also had me all smiley. You could tell that he really likes Kwame.

  5. I wish they would have kept Frances. Angelina had allll the worst dishes this ep but she got to hang around. Bring Frances back!

    1. Angelina is just gonna bounce around the bottom until she is sent home. Not quite ready; that one

    2. It makes me so stabby when the judges do that. On Project Runway its really bad. Toss out the person who fucks up once over the person who is in the bottom 2 each week.

    3. Yes! Like when they sent Edmond home, oh no they din't, right!