Thursday, 17 December 2015

BRR Top Chef S13:E4 It's A Dry Heat

So we lost cheftestant Frances last week and somehow retained Angelina, let's see who makes some fabulous food this time!

Everyone mourns the loss of Frances, even Angelina, who should be feeling that white hot heat on the back of her neck right now as we all wonder if the judges were high.

They're off to Palm Springs! Which Jason says is full of gays and old people. Also his friends, who I'm guessing are not seniors. He and his pals like to go sit in the sun and drink white wine spritzers. I think Becks can back me up here; just cause you're fabulous doesn't mean you have to drink shitty drinks. Get a Ceasar up in there!  You can still crave the cack!

Wesley is still reliving his sous-vide near miss, and we get to see his back story!  He was a super in-shape pole vaulter and overthought everything even then.

They pull up at some desert scrub and Kwame es concernando. Desert cooking is not really his metier. But no! They're going on an adventure on the San Andreas fault!  Woot! The Rock is coming, right? Or he will be....

Instead there are lots of shiny looking equipment made by gosun (WHERE'S MAH CHEQUE??) and surprise, surprise, Marjorie has worked for the challenge ambassador as well. Now, she's blown more popsicle stands than The Rock has groupies (call me?), but surely this can't be a coincidence?  Such a small little incestuous world, this fancy vittles gang!

ANYWAY this is a Clean Energy Challenge.  And GDANG it, it's another Quickfire Challenge! That takes FOREVER to 'cap!! *grumble grumble* okay whatever, do your stupid amazingly fast challenge where you make fantastic food in 11 seconds 14 TIMES. Do THAT! Sorry sorry, the challenge is 30 minutes to cook a clean energy dish using completely new solar powered equipment. This show is not for the faint of heart, y'all. Giselle and I are particularly confused by the giant missile-shaped oven.

Everyone seems to be making salads and Imma try to get screenshots but I can promise nothing. Apparently Carl's wife did some work distributing water filters and it opened his eyes to clean energy but I bet it still doesn't help him work with these assuredly crazy expensive solar powered kitchen equipment. Isaac is making cornbread in a tube, like Giselle and her cous cous. THEN SHE BREAKS HERS, right after saying she's there because she knows how to cook. Slow clap, editors. Nice.

But she has definitely broken that assuredly crazy expensive oven, it's in little pieces and what now? She only has 17 minutes left and cous cous doesn't take long I guess...

Grayson can't get her oven to work and I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!! Faulty splodey equipment, whut?? Speaking of..Phillip has decided to plate on rocks because of course he has. An oyster on a rock in 110 degree heat. Not exactly a cock in a frock on a rock and Amar and I are skeptical.

Issac and his 30 minute cornbread are well received

As is Jeremy's halibut

And bacon wrapped chorizo date something by Carl

Grayson complains about her oven and Padma chides her for not listening to instructions.

I'm sure it's delicious, but Giselle' s cous cous asparagus combo is TINY

Jason's warm salad gets good initial reviews

As does Marjorie's puttanesca. The chef ambassador lets the cat out of the bag as far as Marjorie working for him previously, but walks away without reply when she says "good to see you". *googling burn centers nearby*

Amar shrimp

Is followed by Wesley's shrimp

And Phillip's Snot on a Rock. That's what Padma called it!

Judging! Giselle, Phillip and Grayson are on the bottom and Isaac, Jeremy and Wesley are on the top. Yay! Wesley redeemed himself! The winner is: Wesley!  YAY!!! So glad. He needed a confidence boost. He also gets one of the ovens, as he was hoping!  Respect will take you far, yo

Next up is a team challenge, Isaac is stuck with Team AlsoRan and he's not ecstatic but I see he has Kwame and I ain't worried. This challenge!  They are serving a coursed dinner on the golf course with no kitchen!  I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS! Refreshment carts, pfft

Blue Team consists of Majorie, Karen, Jeremy, Jason, Wesley, Carl and Phillip. They're thinking veg-centric, meaning veggie driven and I must find a way to work veg-centric into a conversation tomorrow and see how many people think I'm talking tacos instead.

Orange Team is Kwame, Chad, Angelina, Grayson, Giselle, Amar and Isaac. Latin themed citrus based food is their plan and everyone is excited but DRAMUH: Angelina doesn't wanna work with Giselle again. Now, I get that, Giselle has been consistently in the bottom the last few challenges, but she's also a pro to even GET on this show, Angelina needs to check herself before she wrecks herself. Giselle also doesn't dig being called a bitch, even in a fun, hey us gurls kinda way. I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER, MOM!! Jk, she prefers hewer.  Grayson happily takes on the black cloud that is Angelina, it's like a built-in excuse! Also she doesn't know from Latin food and Angelina is a Latina, she says.

Whole Foods shopping time! I swear, if I had a bunch of money and lacked the ability to understand when I was being horrendously price-gouged for food, I would have SO MUCH FUN in Whole Foods. Until then, I will just watch these guys with envy in my heart and all my eyes on the side.

Kwame and Jeremy meet up at the fish counter, Ceviche Showdown, y'all! Jeremy figures he has this because he has been eating and cooking out of the ocean his whole life and I'm just concerned because that's essentially what he said about Mexican cuisine. And then almost went home. HOWEVER. He also has won two challenges with fish dishes and always finished in the top otherwise, mostly also with fish, so Imma blame that Mexican hiccup on Chad.

Phillip is using his wife's recipe for dessert, I gather she served it at Coachella and it's all very fancy and involves lime, mojitos and a buttload of cane sugar. Somebody grab Reno, I think she just fainted. Isaac is setting himself up as the anti-Phillip of the snot on a rock, with a grapefruit and tequila dessert and I dunno, man. I shall trust in my Swamp Man on Steroids, though, he made cornbread in a solar oven in the desert! In 30 minutes!

The chefs get to spa it up! All the dudes end up in the hot tub together and the women are in the pool, so it's like a soggy grade 9 dance. Since I have invoked grade 9, this must be played

Jason is feeling slightly left out, he's surrounded by a lot of bros and. Hey! Did you guys see where the Ultimate Bro got arrested today? So random. ANYWAY. He's uncomfortable. Not enough white wine spritzers and actual conversation, just lots of shouty menz.

Tom and the guest chef judges are golfing while the chefs drive like maniacs and work on teeny tiny carts in the ''hot as balls'' weather.

1st Course! Jeremy ain't scurred and his and Karen's ceviche on ice is up frist and is called outstanding

Kwame and Chad's ceviche ISN'T on ice and tastes great, but...warm. It's not stacking up well against Jeremy and Karen's.

2nd Course! Grayson's and Angelina's shrimp is not well received, mostly because Grayson overcooked the corn. And decided to leave it, even after being told that by the first group.

But Jason's and Marjorie's shrimp with summer squash is called very fresh and delicious

3rd Course! Carl and Wesley have cooked grapes and ick. Do.not.understand. They change it for the second batch by leaving them raw and that makes a big difference.

And I would much rather eat Amar and Giselle's steak! Woo hoo!Chef Andreas disagrees with me

4th Course Dessert! It's Isaac and Phillip against the wind, they can't keep the heat and lose everything blowy.

Full disclosure, I rarely understand anything Isaac is saying, food-wise, so I'm grateful for these motherhumping explanations. Sabay-what? Needs moar grapefruit. I do not like how he mentions that Phillip chose rock-hard out-of-season limes and that he went with the better grapefruit but I can't figure out if that kind of talk is self-aggrandisement or if he feels the need to be super specific so I am just keeping an eye on'im. Cause it weren't the first time.

Phillip is doing something very odd...talking into a blanket and re-plating and whut? Coconut pudding anyway.

Judging! Team Blue won! The best dish was the halibut ceviche, acourse, and Jeremy's bowl of ice carried the win. Yay Jeremy! He wins a week's stay at the resort and I bet Madeline will love it!

In the bottom are Grayson, Angelina and Phillip. I feel I have to mention that I wrote that before the judges even spoke. Grayson and Angelina are on the carpet and really, I agree either way. They both have been bouncing around the bottom of the barrel since the beginning, so I'm aight losing either. I think dat corn is Grayson's downfall and this will be the last time I see her shouting at the judges about adding sparkles to her meatballs. And I'm right. She is all done. And STILL ARGUING. Good lord. Just stahp. So much anger. Deuces.

We oot! What didja think?


  1. Sous sorry about Frances

    Zima’s for everyone in Palm Springs

    Don’t rest your oysters on a hot, desert rock. It’s painful

    Grayson sounds awfully whiney

    I misread that as vag-centric. Sure it’s good eating, but not made for family TV.

    Whole Foods does have gorgeous food and selection, but…. Might as well call it Whole Paycheck

    BNL for the win!

    Uh… Passion Fruit caviar is not caviar. But the ceviche looked divine

    Damn. We lost cheerful Grayson. Maybe she can go cook for Apres Ski or Below Deck?

    1. LOL Charlie, you're terrible! Yeah, not family time TV. And hot oysters on a rock does sound painful in a way I hadn't thought of

  2. I missed this ep! Life was crazy last week, I was at home only long enough for one TV show and sleep. Now that all is settled I'm going to start on RHBH recaps, episode 1 here I come!