Okay! The boys went to Vegas! They're all bleary-eyed the next morning and have gently trashed their hotel room and ha! Amateurs. Ask me about the one-eyed aboriginal lady with a case of Blue one time. OtherTom (Schwartz) has the straightest permed hair in existence, hey?
I can't tell if that is for her or his prison Bunkie but he thought it was a good idea! This is also a guy that thought a ring on a string and a PERM were legit signs of commitment, sooooo...oh. It wasn't a sign, it was peer pressure. Sandoval got one too
Soooooo that's for Ariana, right? Not the Oakland A's or the Anaheim Ducks? Atlanta Braves? Or is it the Scarlet A? It is red! Nah these guys don't know from Nathaniel Hawthorne. And that was their FRIST tats! Jax wants to know why they didn't go full on and get the whole name and it's BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS A WEEK LATER JAX!!!!
These guys are messy hos! I could never leave a hotel room like that. Back to S.U.R.! Staged Katie / Ariana chat! Ohhh our stinky silly men! Blah blah no sympathy blah blah hope they got de-scabied blah that last part may have just been me. Ariana is worried that Sandoval might not be ready for her friend Lindsayayyy? Who is having a showwwowww? About reading from your old journallll? I cannot stand how these women talk, all slow and whiny and Candian upspeak with all kinds of unfortunate hand gestures. Did you know Ariana is comic who acts? Because she's NOT. She's an actress who's funny and if you have to say it....I know all y'all love her but I do not. Typical AND boring to me, pssht. Katie is looking very...Chynna today?
Anyway, Sandoval is gonna read out old song lyrics so that's fun! Speaking of the stink, silly men, they are driving home in a minivan (hardcore!! but so practical) and Lisa calls. That's why everyone was stripping off smoke and alcohol sodden clothing while driving, they're supposed to be at work! Peter was supposed to be all responsible after he cut his hurr and Lisa is just not impressed.
She's even LESS excited about the Toms arses, which they immediately whip out upon arrival to show off their 4am Vegas butt tattoos. Personally, I could typically care less about tattoos. Some look cool, some look horrid, none of them are on me, so it just don't matter. Do you! Lisa does not agree; she thinks it makes them look stupid and well, that's them being awake and talking that does that, so we shall have to agree to disagree.
OtherTom sits down in the alley to wait, and just as his Bubba is sent out, Sandoval finds Ariana who wants allllls the winnings.
We're gonna getta see those bums again, y'all! And we do! Synchronized and everything! Katie laughs in disbelief and laughs and ALSO brings up prison! I think OtherTom committed more, Bubba is a hard name to play off, yo. Whereas a devilish looking A? Could be anything. Let's see what Ariana thinks! She's horrified, but gives him back his winnings for laser tattoo removal. Sharing is caring!
Jax sleazes all over the ladies; he looks like an oversized leprechaun that felt into a vat of cooking oil here, doesn't he?
Scheana and Katie discuss TattooGate with Jax; I find Scheana's oversized lashes so distracting! I can't look directly at her! They talk about the fact that Jax's gf Britney of the lingerie interview wear is moving from 'Tucky to Los Angeles to be with him. Well, she's pretty, I'm sure there are all kinds of things she can do in LA with her work experience and schooling. He's been hanging out with Kristin lately (WHUT??) and being her wingman and blah blah apparently they forgot she's a freaking PSYCHO. They wanna do a joint birthday party because I'm sure that won't make waves and Scheana interviews about it and Imma try to not sound too much like I hate this show but they could use a slightly lighter touch when manufacturing the dramz. They're gonna keep it a secret! On camera!
Sandoval shows up at S.U.R. with his mom and holy shite! Shay is unrecognisable!
Scheana, you better lock that dude down tight: this is my type all rolled up in a chambray shirt. He looks so different! He has hair! And he's talking and everything! Mind: blown. Tom's mom Terri is going on about him winning the grade 3 talent contest and yay Tom. More interesting? Terri is a firefighter! Cool! Lisa stops by and is confused by the juxtaposition of strong woman and strongly manscaping son. I'm reminded of Jax's mom, who was completely over his behaviour but not responsible for it, as we all assumed. I have three boys, I have to assume at least one will shave his forehead, here's hoping none of them repeatedly show off crappy arse tattoos on TV. Everyone says it looks like bacon and it totally does! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Kristin shows up all fancy: bewbs out, freshly-fcuked hurr, fake lashes and MAC forcefield. She looks good, but THEY KNOW SHE CRAZY RIGHT?? Oh man. She says she isn't a crazy bitch any more. Sigh. Well, she's stupid enough to A) come back to where her spitty ex-baby-bf works and B) ask JAX for dating advice. Something about wanting to know what the players are thinking blah ask a player. But. Aren't we supposed to avoid players? Lemme get out my guide book! Okay, it says to remain wary but they're the fun ones, so small doses. On it!
He advises her to stay about from men in their twenties, DUH, and then he tells her she looks beautiful and (the lashes, freshly-fcuked hurr, bewbs oot) it will sell itself, just don't talk.
Hold on!!!!! So all that fake stuff will get her a man, but don't ruin it by being herself??? If she was anyone other than Satan I would be offended on her behalf. As it is HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
She's working the room! A cute rumpled looking young man in a baseball shirt asks her what her favourite doughnut is while she gives him the does-it-look-like-I-eat-carbs? death glare. I gather he's too short anyway. Wasn't James like a pygmy? How did that happen? Her and Jax decide they're the best looking people in there and it must take so much confidence to live in LA. Everyone says they're actor/models and everyone looks really good and then she kisses some weird looking 24 year old guy who must have seen the show because he looks alarmed and talks all the way through the it. Ew. But Jax is very excited and awww I can see the cuteness now. But still don't pee on my carpet.
Lisa walks in just in time to give Bubba a hard time about Schwartzie's butt, they talk aboot it and decide it's a definite sign of commitment: better than the ring on a string AND the puppy. The perm doesn't even come up, that's how much that registered, OtherTom. Lisa offers to sit him down and take him to Spence, so we'll see.
Oh, yay. James is there. Are we calling him DJTFB or just AHole? Lala is all over him and she's so cute. WHAT is she doing?? Not banging it, apparently, good job! She has beautiful eyes! Well. I THINK she does, there is so much makeup there (I'm not anti-spackle, swearsies) I can't tell if she has unusually shaped eyes or a steady hand and a bucket of liquid eye-liner.
They gossip about the matching bum-scribble and honestly. Lala tells about the girl's slumber party they had while the boys were away and there was some neckinnnnggg....Faith No More threw Lala DOWN, yo, straight to fuzz bumpin. Even with all that, Scheana was the best kisser and maybe that's how she locked down that straight FOX up above. Heeeeeyyy Shay!
Kristen is at S.U.R. AGAIN, and drags Bubba out into the alley for old times' sake. Kristen is really wanting to do this apology tour, huh. She wants to mend bridges (fences) with Ariana and she braces herself. Let's go see BaconA! Kristen orders a drink from Ariana, who says "I'm not really comfortable giving you alcohol" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH as Kristen stumbles through an apology. I'm wondering if therapy is a factor; she says she wants to apologize for her actions, not for being angry or upset, but for how she chose to deal with it. Absolutely sounds like shrink talk. Ariana is stonefaced but eventually just rude. Yeahhhh
The next day at Sandoval's apartment, they talk with Terri about the upcoming diary-reading show. Sandoval thinks this is his opportunity to meet a casting director or agent or some such stuff that brings these peeps from St. Louis et al. Here's the pic from his song lyric time period that will be posted.
This means it's time to look at his old modeling pics, I guess he did ginch runway shows and now we and Terri get to see his BaconA again. Man.
OtherTom is modelling for some website, oh nevermind, I don't care, but he's got a gut and they are surprised. I mean, it's a little tiny gut, but it ain't abs and I can see now why his bum looked so juicy and Sandoval's looked so muscular. He has weird makeup on, but he looks great in the photos, even with mascara. Doze cheekbones! Bubba shows up and they worry about Ariana and Tom separating themselves from everyone else by not forgiving Kristen and I can see both sides. Kristen is a FCUKING PSYCHO. But maybe you shouldn't be so invested in your friend's lives, like gossiping endlessly about lame butt tattoos and just go get drinks and stuff. Carrying a grudge is heavy, yo.
Diary Show time! I didn't get this vibe in the description, but this is for comedians. And Sandoval isn't a comedian. Neither are most of the people ahead of him, however. Theatre folk pssft. Ariana gives it all she's got, but Jax and I are unconvinced. I think Jax and I come from a place of optimism and that shite where you just deadpan and call everyone aholes including yourself? Never really got it. I guess she thought everyone was a lesbian? Lala eats and Jax looks confused.
Sandoval wrote raps! Oh it's worse than song lyrics! It's RAP flow. Oh noooo. Awwww he's trying, godluvim. And then he shows his arse again. I mean. HONESTLY
Jax and Lala flirt while he invites her out for drinks. DJtfb comes up and pees on her leg while staring fixedly at Jax and asking about Brittany. Lala and Jax really like that trouble, hey? Everybody leaves and goes to Tom and Ariana's apartment, where everyone immediately starts shouting about Kristen coming to the trip / party / whatever they're doing. Oh! It's Tom's birthday trip/party too! I get it. OtherTom eats pasta.
And we oot! If there is a Bob, Becks will be back with it next week. Peace! Happy New Year!