Thursday, 3 December 2015

BRR Vanderpump Rules S4:E5 Cock of the Week


We're baaaaaack! Thanks TTM for taking over last week, I was in a vortex of smoking ducks, beer cheese sauce and successful pretzel making, no time for the vacuous! So excited to be post #1999!!

Last week saw us deal with DJ Trust Fund Baby and Kray Kray Kristen's doomed relationship, Scheana made her hubbies drug addiction all about her and declared that she "couldn't be with someone that couldn't drink!" Has the bottom of the barrel been scraped? Has poor Faith, Token Person of Colour, been eaten by the Couch of Doom...???

We open with Lisa and Scheana discussing her marital problems...Scheana thinks that Hubby's addiction can just been whisked away with a regime of healthy eating and by spending 80% of your week at a gym. "We might even lose some weight!" she declares. "Not that I want to lose any but Shay might..." ohhhh WAY to fat-shame your new husband Scheana!

Lisa is having none of it, she knows what we all know....Shay needs rehab and a divorce..."Addiction is not cured by some scrambled egg whites!" word, Lisa....W.O.R.D.

Jax bobbles over and tries to give his 2c worth but Lisa shuts him down, no Jax, you are not a therapist..."Keep your new nose OUT of it!" lolololol.



Onto the flat, limp dishrag of a clandestine relationship that is DJ TFB and Lalalalalaaa. Ugh, I can't with these two, they are boredom personified, James is so much more interesting with KKK but Lalalalaaaa is 'hot' so, of course, they have already made out and now they need to discuss making out. Oh and the fact the he hasn't really broken up with KKK...hmmmm, Lalalalaaaa you in danger gurl!

Speak of the ACTUAL devil! In walks KKK, straight to Lalalaaaa at the hostess desk, shiz is gonna get real! KKK has her soul-eater face on and Lalalaaa is justifiably terrified as she scurries over to DJ TFB to let him know his paramour is in the building.

Your soul is miiiiiiiiiine

"This is the part of the horror movie where the girl with lashes and high heels is trying to get away and then the crazy person slashes her throat," Lalalaaa has seen the future.

RUUUUUUUN!

DJ TFB has to leave his DJ station, which is fine because his Spotify playlist "EDM Bad Boy Bangerzzzz" has at least 2 hours 45 min to go...the showdown begins with DJ TFB accusing KKK of cheating when she went to Detroit a few days before....ohhhh 'Pot-Kettle-Black' moment, coming right up...and it's all about phones being turned off two nights in a row as 'evidence'.

Both of them say "Idon'twannabewithyouanymore" at exactly the same time and, just like that, they are D.O.N.E and the Blandest Romance of the Season can commence. There are not too many people that can make KKK seem like a reasonable human being.

"I mean, if I wanted to cheat on him I could just as easily leave my phone ON," KKK smirks to the camera, she has a very good point.

Inside, Lalalaaa is confessing to Jax the Nose and Sandoval that she is a 'little flustered', they both look at each other and smile, another soul eating victim in front of them. Jax wants to know why she is so worried and Lalalaaa tells him that 'we kinda made out, like high school made out'. Jax cannot compute this information.

You said WUT to WHO now?

"I'm a grown ass man and I'm scared of her, she 100% knows where you live, she knows where your family is, she knows where your kids are," thanks for the reassurance Jax.

Meanwhile, outside, the showdown continues with DJ TFB declaring that he won't miss her at all. KKK just takes the zingers as they come, but she knows she has already missed her actual chance to flounce off, she is in the awkward-zone of the confrontation now...chica really should have left after the 'Idon'twannabewithyouanymore's'.

Where did the last year of my life go?

Oh now we are actually waking up with Scheana and Shay in the room I now call The Scheana Shrine, fuck it, her whole goddamn apartment is the Scheana Shrine! So...many....eyes of Scheana...


Scheana has arranged for Sandoval to come over and cook them a healthy omelette for breakfast as she is seemingly incapable of cooking anything other than 'unhealthy' things like pasta and Mexican food. Ah, NO Scheana...pasta and Mexican food are just fine....if you were cooking him deep-fried pizza and Twinkies we might worry a bit.

Sandoval used to be a catering chef so he's got this. He cuts up some broccoli and plates up some eggs but doesn't appear to instruct anyone so maybe he's just coming over every morning to cook? The Shays look perplexed at the array of organic, organic, organic produce in front of them. "I don't even like anything green," says Shay, cheers-ing his bride with an organic lemon, kale, broccoli and despair juice.


"You got more cheese than I did," Shay is about to cry lack of dairy tears at any moment now.

Where's ma cheese???

Over at SUR, permanently unemployed Schwartz is having a raspberry mojito at the bar when Lisa comes over. "Shouldn't you be practising your sangria pitch?" she says, not when there are other delicious pink drinks to be had apparently. WHERE'S MA CHEQUE??

Up ya bum, Lisa!

Lisa tells Jax that a sommelier is coming to do some training with them on the finest wines in all humanity (ok VP sangria and Ramona Singer's Turtle Time Pinot Grigio) but Jax, being the great mate that he is, must accompany Peter the bar manager and hold his hand whilst he has the last shreck of his youth cut from him: his ubiquitous pony(rat)-tail, seen here as a glorious messy man-bun'.


Peter has a new girlfriend and she has 'real' responsibilities in the form of a 4 year old girl-child. This means his tail must go as everyone knows that only wild, crazy irresponsible men have pony's and man-buns.

Lisa teases Jax about his relegation to bottom of the 'Cock Walk' that DJ TFB has thrust upon him. I'm imaging a long wooden plank with all the boys strutting along, feathers puffed up and poor Jax flailing on the floor. He tries to recover by saying that he just wants to sleep with Lalalalaaa not have a relationship with her but we all know he's a softy and really wants to win her heart.

We all know who the REAL cock is, right?

KKK and her 'girl power friend' (is that like a Power Puff Girl or a Power Ranger or a cross between both??) they are at a dive bar that appears to have buxom wenches, I need to go to there!

Buxom wench, please bring me a Slippery Nipple

But, hang on, these lightweights order a bottle of sauvignon blanc? It's a freakin' DIVE BAR! Hit the whiskey, the double vodkas and the Fireball, girls! Ugh...

KKK has decided that DJ TFB is 'not the guy I started dating a year ago', no shit, Sherlock, he's grown a fucking pair! Apparently he wants to be just like Jax, which is scary in itself but really, DJ TFB is 22 years old, of course he wants to shag around and get blind...that's what we ALL did at 22, amirite?? KKK found out from Jax the Mouth that DJ TFB and Lalalalaaaaa made out prior to their break up. This is the Jax I love, he is such a little gossipy bitch at times and manages to get everyone else but himself in trouble.

You said WUT to WHO now?

Now we are off to see Pete get his tail cut off, he reckons he has had it since 2010 but I'm guessing 2005 at the very least. He enters the salon where some fabulous beast called Heywood wields the shears. He swears he's ready....


I'm not ready!


It's gone

So...hot...right...now and ready for responsibility!


Ariana-Daria and Katie meet with Scheana to get pedi's and sip bubbles. A bit of small talk about KKK and DJ TFB and mean-girl Scheana declares "Lala, that's why we are not letting you into our group, cheating is just not cool with us,"

But then, just like THAT, it is all about Scheana again and her soused hubby, Shay. Katie and Ariana are concerned because there are obviously Big Problems and Scheana appears to be swimming the Egyptian River about it.


"Shay knows that even if every bone was broken in his body, he cannot take one more pill or I will file for divorce!" oh Scheana, that's a bit tough gurl. Even addicts need pain relief in emergencies, right?

"I really don't think he's going to fuck up again, I think he's going to do everything in his power to make me the happiest woman alive," hmmmm I always thought it was about making the unwell person better? No? Oh ok, my bad...

It's time for Lalalaaaa and DJ TFB's hawt date (and by hawt I mean limp like a washed up sea anemone), awww they are going for burgers, so cheap! So nasty! She's a good girl from Utah who doesn't do anal OR blow jobs but she loves some grilled meat!

DJ TFB's lame flirting is quite funny....basically he just grins a lot and tells her how beautiful she is, it is actually....uhhhh, sweet? Lalalaaa obviously doesn't get a lot of compliments so she laps it right up. I'm guessing it's his corny British accent that hits it out of the park?

"If you took every guy I've ever been with in one room and then James, he is the total other end of spectrum," says Lalalaaaa. "I normally go for steak but I must say I am loving the string bean!"

I love a back-handed compliment!


They decide, in a split second, that they will 'make a track' together. Oh, here go hell come! Countess Luann better get in dat studio fast, there are two new kids on da block!


OMG it's Sassy Asian Gay Friend! Where's Faith No More?? Everyone has turned up for a wine class but not Faith....that couch definitely got the better of her. The Hot Topic dresses are in full force as they sit and taste all of 5 wines with Laz, the sommelier. Oh wait, Faith is there! She's just changed her hair, phew...

Hot Topic wine zombies...

Oh man, they are getting food AND wine in this training, I wanna work at SUR! Faith tries to open a bottle between her legs, a girl after my own heart, hehehe.

Scheana, Queen of de Nile, opines to Lisa about how great healthy living is, it's so great she is not even going to have a fried goat's cheese ball even though they are FREE! Lisa is serving up some tough love, she thinks that Suased Shay should get a job and pay some bills lest he get emasculated by Scheana's earning power. It's not long before the Ugly Cry starts... 



It's the night of many drinks, it appears everyone in the world is invited, even Faith, YAY! Lalalaaa and DJ TFB are making their first public appearance as a couple, WOOT! But then....dun, dun, dunnnnn...in walks KKK! Faces of thunder all round...



Lalalaaaa reigns in DJ TFB's douchiness when he asks Kristen if she is going sleep with Jax again. "You can't do that James, have some respect,"

"Urgh, you're no fun!" DJ TFB is on fire...

"James clearly is still emotionally invested in Kristen and I don't want to be in the middle of this shit show," get out while you can, Non-Mormon Girl!

KKK and Jax leave to have a chat outside with DJ TFB and Lalalaaa following, no good can come of this. Lalalaaa wants to let KKK know that she respects her or that DJ TFB should be respectful of her, I dunno, but everyone else seems to think it's a good idea.

The Real Witches of Eastwick

A 'girl on girl' chat ensues and KKK tells Lalalaaa that DJ TFB regularly called her a slut and a whore. DJ TFB pops over to see what's crappening and realises that his ex and new squeeze are now simpatico and he has, potentially, been cock-blocked by KKK.

Say buh-bye to that vagine DJ TFB

DJ TFB takes this as well as can be expected and throws all his toys outta the pram by calling Lalalalaaa a 'basic bitch', oh no you DIDN'T DJ TFB!



"I know I'm not a slut and I know I'm not a whore because I am not getting paid to have sex, which would be dope!" preach Lalalaaaa. "But I know for damn sure I am not a basic bitch,"

Jax the Nose giggles in the corner like a girl, Scheana declares she is no feminist and everyone takes another shot....best...night...ever.

See youse all next week for more utter vacuousness! xxx Beckymae

19 comments:

  1. Organic lemon, kale broccoli and despair juice, BWAHAHAHA!!

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    1. I was pretty proud of that one...lol

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  2. Tbh I'd probably be an addict too if I were married to Scheana Marie. Any fondness I've been feeling for her has been replaced with my usual disgust. Did you catch WWHL? A caller called Scheanie out for shunning Lala about the Beamer Selfie make out when Scheana has done far worse. Apparently Lala is the alpha ho because she could have used Google but Scheana didn't even have a flip phone during the Eddie affair so what she did is totally a-OK. This bitch.

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    1. Yeah I quite like her in previous seasons but her narcissism is reaching whole new levels this season! I don't get WWHL :(

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    2. I don't get it either. Andy hates non-Muricans, even halfies like Becks and I

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  3. I would love to hear DJ Beamer Selfies set list. He gets so into it when he's "spinning" and I just know its going to be absolutely awful. James isn't hot enough to have all these crazies fighting over him. His face scares me

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    1. He ugly

      That must be a huge trust fund

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    2. Does he even have one? He doesn't deserve it.

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    3. I think that's the point of Trust Funds, they only go to the underserved

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    4. I read somewhere that his family has $$ but the only thing I can find now is that his mother is from NYC and Dad from London, he grew up in London till he was 14 and then the family moved to Ibiza.

      He has the face of a psychopath, I bet he's got some really odd kinks between the sheets...

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    5. Well. He IS British, and we all know what that means

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  4. I can't believe Peter de-bunned himself. Now he's just gonna look like an olive-skinned Hitler!

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    1. Hahaha he does! Or a Musketeer...

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    2. I know puhlenty of long haired guys that are good dads / people / citizens, that's a little bizarre. Or do you think he's doing the PermPromiseRing route of Other Tom?

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    3. The perm/ring on a string thing was so hilarious...kinda makes sense in Schwartz-world....

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  5. You know those VPR pics are mine? I did screenshots from my iPad....took fucking forever but I think it's worth it, no?

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    1. Oh yes! I did some that way for Project Runway and Apres Ski, not much available online. I'm sure there is a way to do it fancy, but those look good!

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    2. I particularly appreciated the Kristen-as-Satan one and Lala's departing vagine

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    3. Yes, I was particularly proud of the vagine one!

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