No Jackie. :(. Anyway! Let's see who they do have!
We open with a presumed meathead opining that New York is the Mecca of the fitness world and I disagree for two reasons: 1) isn't Los Angeles where everyone works out like mental? and 2) I don't think he knows what Mecca actually means. People make religious pilgrammages to sweat in teams?
Captions of truth let us know that Fitness is a 75 BILLION dollar industry. Wow. That industry has to be in bed with the chocolate, wine and fried chicken industries, you know that, right? Dayum. Ewwwww greasy arrogant meathead interviews that people "will pay top dollar for a trainer like this" WHILE HE DRAWS A JAZZ HAND DOWN HIS OWN FACE. For REALS.
|Oh yeah. Like THIS.|
Let's meet the crew! Everyone gets up at 5:30 and prepares for their bum-jabs, I mean protein shakes, sure, and Layla
interviews that the main focus has changed over the years from the training to the Trainer. I don't know. I think there was definitely a Fitness Personality renaissance, but I would argue that time was in the 80s. Or the early oughts with Jackie Warner. She's...not coming for sure, right?
Anyway Layla has a really cute boyfriend with his own place (whut whut, good girl!) and a family history of fitness work, with a mama in the biz. Does that make her the Ronda Rousey of Fitness training? Stay the FCUK away from my arms! She's super duper arrogant (where am I from? Heaven of course! *herk*) and just about as cute as she thinks she is.
Courtney; of the greasy jazz hands, says that Layla and Jay have been on the DL for a few months but are now finally ready to reveal their lurve. That's what he says!! I'm guessing Courtney and Layla might fish off the same dating pier.
We move on to Holly, I'm guessing of Holly Rilinger Sports, the GIANT sign over her bed, and how can I put this delicately
|Turns out I can't. Never mind!|
Oh. He is important, my bad, he's another trainer. Here he is:
|Totally Typical Noah|
Waitaminute: blonde ripped (fitness) famous lesbian. HOLLY IS THE JACKIE?? I am disappoint.
Oh sorry, Noah is still talking, former chubby kid from Philly, I seriously just looked at him for 3 minutes straight and I couldn't pick him out of a lineup if he farted. If you get that, I lurve you.
Courtney's turn! He left Louisiana because they eat a lot there? And he didn't feel that was the place for him and COME ON. New York has the best food EVER!! You came for the bums and fame. His body is sick, if you're into bouncing off a brick wall you must feed with compliments every seven minutes.
They start talking about how amazing and tasty Layla's vajayjay is (seriously, that's the last time I'm typing that, 2003) while the camera thoughtfully zooms in and I'm trying to remember the last time me and a bestie talked about how tasty our baginas were. Like...never? Yeah. Never. In comes Holly, just in time! Court and Holly have been friends for 12 years and I swear to bob, he has to be on something. He's bouncing all over the place and his eyes are red and Holly interviews about trainer shelflife and she thinks he needs to start thinking about gathering his coat and hat because the party is just about over.
Holly's first client Jolene comes in and Holly reels off the plan: a quick circuit involving lower body/ upper body/lower body /upper body/ core and I'm scurred already. Holly doesn't look like she fcuks around but says she comes from a place of joy. Her face did not look joyful; it looked like it wanted to murder Jolene.
Trainer / client montages! Joe is our next trainer, a cute ginge with piercing eyes. He's got some seriously sunken cheeks, though, hmmm. He says he worked at Prada as a model and yeah, he cute
Court calls him an enigma who likes to wear clothes that make you question his sexuality. Um. Pot, train kettle, please. Joe does interview shirtless in a lovely aubergine cardigan, so I'm not saying Court's wrong.
Oh yay, we're back to Layla and her imaginary fight with her DL boyfriend, but they drop that for a moment to make fun of Joe and his leapfrog style of training. I don't care what Court says, that shite looked hard and the client dug it. Holly knows she's got a couple of hazers in the Ying Yang Twins, so she's keeping an eye on them. And just like that, I like her. But this gym looks hella budget; can we get someone to vacuum the floors mebbe if Joe and his clients are gonna be lying all over them?
Aww what a surprise, Jay shows up for some Layla time. Because it's been 17 seconds since they texted and 2 hours since they pretending to be sleeping in her bed. How can I say this...Typical Gym Dude with a serious macho problem. I mean. He shows up and introduces himself to all the straight men in the gym, including Joe, and goes nuclear when Joe says one thing while Layla is joking around. He tells her to go fcuk herself. In front of her boss. At her job. Because of something non-sexual that someone else said. She needs to GTFOutta that relationship. Whoop whoop ALLS the red flags!! They talk about it after and he denies being raging, which he clearly was. Whoopwhoop OOT!!
Next is Lena, a sexy Latina with a raspy voice and a sprung hip
|I want to understand what she's wearing?|
So, after working together all day, Layla, Court and Holly meet for drinks. Like you do. I'm starting to wonder if the training world is as insular as the hospitality industry. Lots of incestuous carryings on, ask Becks and I about the shame-shagging!
Another new trainer Lindsey shows up and is that name huge or WHAT right now? Every damn show has a Lindsey, spelled a different precious way! This one is clearly the affirmative action hire
She has no chin but many chins, if that makes sense, and she's fighting an ACL tear. I've had that as well, it's no joke, a good year rehab. God speed, token chub!
Noah has already caught wind of the incident with Jay at the gym and talks about the importance of trust in a relashie. It really is so important. I don't think Ol' Ragey Jay is getting it, though. Layla shows up and. I mean. So gross.
HOLD UP!!!! WHEN DID TOOTIE JOIN REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA??????????? J?? YOU ON THIS??
Joe shows up in lambskin (NOT silk) drop-crotch pants and sigh. He STILL looks great. I'm a little concerned that he says his passion is fashion because here in Juicehead Central, you gotta talk the talk, you know? Anyway, he blah blah blah fashion is art blah Picasso blah Alexander Wang and yeah, they don't get it. New guy has 429 pairs of shoes. 429.pairs.of.shoes. I have exactly 420 pairs less than that.
Miss Usa Mia Sanchez shows up to meet Noah for an interview and she beautiful. He creepy. I don't know if she is buying or not but he is definitely selling.
We go to the Flywheel Gym to see Holly surrounded by Holly-Ites, who Court says are straight ladies who just want a little "taste". If he says vajayjay again, I am not responsible for what happens to this laptop. He calls her the Pied Piper of New York housewives and Lena pops in for a spin class. Holly's like a super sweaty motivational speaker, hey? I've never done spin class because I prefer to sweat in much smaller groups, ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo, but that looks like masochism incarnate.
Lena and Holly eyecuddle for a bit and hmm... Keeping an eye on you two!
Layla's having some kind of party at her house, in her ginch, and her sister Unspellable shows up, as does her mother, Mama Love. Now Mama Love is white and has enormous implants that make me worry for this generation when they get old and have to deal with all that silicone. I'm going to have to say this because I am hella confused; I'm pretty sure Layla is at least partially Black by looking,
but her mom is practically translucent and her dad looks Latino. Little help? Speaking of which, her dad met her mom in Central Park while she was handing out "Good For One Free Fcuk" cards, so yay free love! Like completely free!
We're back at budget basement gym with Court, whose friend Tyler is checking out C's impinged shoulder which is not allowing any movement. Ouch! He's 35 and needs surgery and he can't do it; no sick pay for personal trainers, yo. There's that shelflife...
TyTy isn't just there for shoulder mangling, though, he's got some good gossip on GingerJoe. They worked together at Joe's last and only other gym; Joe was known to bait the gay clients with his looks, brag about it after and was a GoGo dancer on the side. Weegro pleez. That is so one-sided. It's all Court needs, though, he jumps right up on that.
Layla arrives, yaaaay. I already strongly dislike her. Gossip shared, they call Joe a Ho and so it goes. Yo.
Lena and Lindsey are heading out for a Girl's Night, which can't mean what it sounds like because Lindsey is inviting Joe. She has a crush! Lena is dubious becuz: arrogance. Drinkies at the bar! Of course, Layla has to spill the GoGo news and Lindsey is all up in that. Make that money! Joe shows up with a really cute girl called Eliza and no designer clothes. He fine as HAYULL. Dayum.
They straight up ask him where he gets the money for his black label clothing (sounds fancy! And unreadable) and he blah blah investors blah operations blah non-answer. Then: NOYB. Layla presses and Joe pushes right the eff back. NOYFB. He walks out. And we're out
So I don't know! This Jackie is not That Jackie, have I mentioned? I'll give it some more shots. Thinking about Top Chef too. Anyone watch that?