Monday, 14 December 2015

BRR Work Out New York Recap S1:E2 Feel The Burn

Second episode, y'all! We left Joe stomping out of a bar after being grilled aboot his financials by Layla, let's see what's shaking this week!


We open with Holly and a client in the Rec Centre basement gym, soooo budget, Rilinger! Layla narrates that everyone wants to be a trainer and (really??) everyone else should just keep their day jobs unless they're hot like her. Mmmhmmm. Extended Layla body shots!

Then we meet Aubrey, Layla's client, who Layla literally holds her through push-ups. I mean. In walks Lindsey, our affirmative action hire! She's working through her knee injury and it isn't any fun whatsoever. She's off crutches and working upper body and lays into Layla about her shitty treatment of Joe at their Girl's Night Out. No, you read that right, it was stupid.

DisCow Layla figures that just because she repeatedly asked Joe about his finances, she has the right to know.  It's worse, because she was grilling him to see if he really was a go-go dancer, which means she was working her own agenda and NOT trying to get to know him at all. People like that are aholes.

Speaking of Joe!  Himself is getting a black manipedi and we see pair of shoes #427, woot! Red basketball shoes with an enormous gold sigil on front? With dropcrotch pants, ACOURSE.

They're VERSAYCE!

He's spa-ing with his friend Jenna who wants to know what the other trainers think of old Prada Dropcrotch. He thinks that any notice is grist for his lifestyle brand mill. He talks a good game, but uses words in ways they were not intended;  like when he says he gets stuff through his vast repertoire of friends. That doesn't make any sense. Neither does a gym trainer with exactly one client having a matte black Rolex as his NEWEST Rolex. Now I may be naive, but I can't think of too many sex acts that equal 10 grand US Dollaroonies or a Rolex. Something with swings and a clown?

Layla figures that Joe flashing his 429 pairs of shoes around means she has the right to axe him about his benjamins and since Lindsey wants to bounce on the lambskin, she disagrees. She's trying a different approach.  With her bagina.

I have to jump in with a trainer review of Layla. Now. I am no expert. I work out a lot, have been for a little over 14 years steadily but that's the extent of it. I had a trainer for awhile and he would NEVER help me lift anything. If I couldn't lift something, he'd immediately shift me down in weight, NOT THAT I COULDN'T LIFT STUFF, but he was fully aware of my abilities and built them gradually. He did NOT hold my arms as I lifted weights, Aubrey, OR hold my hips as I did pushups and that looks hella harmful and useless to me all at the same time.

Jenna calls Joe the most metrosexual guy she knows as he implores the esthetician to "wrap up those (toe) masterpieces" and mostly I think she's just confused that he's so confident about it. Like, it's okay to want pretty toes but NOT okay to admit wanting pretty toes, must be ashamed about it? Manipedis only under the cover of darkness please!

We cut to Holly's freaky spin class, how you doing JSierra? You feeling that burn?? She and everyone else sweat like BEASTS, in this dark little room with loud music and Holly murmuring spiritual messages into her headset mike, sooooo hard pass.

The NY Housewives love it though, as does Aubrey, a photographer who Holly has a crush on and asks out. Okay, she books her for a photoshoot. Same thing, right? Holly thinks so

Courtney runs Boot Camps that start early, so he's up at 4 or 4:30 every day. First to show up in Lindsey and how can I put this gently...Okay. This show is about the top fitness trainers in New York. Trainers are like hairdressers, in a way, and realtors, wherein your appearance sells what you do. Now, I have NO idea why that is true for realtors, but they have their pictures on their business cards, so it must be. ANYWAY. Fitness trainers and hairdressers are selling fitness and hair styling. I am not having someone with janky-ass hair cut OR curl my mop, and I am not taking fitness training advice from someone who looks out of shape. Full stop. I do understand that she is coming off a year long injury, but I am just not buying her as fit OR a trainer so I don't understand why she is on the show. And that was as gentle as I could be. She's cute, she's nice, she's just there to cheerlead, y'all!


All the rest of the trainers show up for Boot Camp; Courtney just walks back and forth and yells, then splits Jay and Layla up right after Noah tells alla us that Joe is on his way. Jay watches while Layla jumps all over Noah, so excited he's her partner! She's such an ahole and Jay's such a rage-y psycho, no way this will go wrong! I totally jump all over some other dude, wrapping my arms around his neck and squealing, right in front of my boyfriend! She either likes the manufactured dramz, or is completely clueless. Imma go with A. After screaming about how much she likes it "face down a$$ up" and "harder! faster! deeper!" overandoverandover at Noah, she decides she's had enough fun and will move on to stage 2; known as "What's Wrong, Daddy?".

First, calling your boyfriend Daddy out in public in front of people is nasty. Keep that shite for fun times, aka Daddy Issues Dealing. Secondly, you KNOW why he's hot, you just did everything you could to publicly emasculate him other than actually screwing Noah in front of him. Jay isn't having it and I call shenanigans in Courtney separating them in the first place. What say yous? I get that it's cool for people to have fun and joke around and in all relationships there must be trust, but alls I saw was someone desperately trying to make her boyfriend jealous for no apparent reason.

GoGoJoe finally shows up; he's late because he's going to a Glamour party and had to get a cortisone shot for a pimple and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Layla tries to cutesy her way out of the awkwardness by wrinkling her nose. WRINKLING HER NOSE. This is a legit grown woman peeking out from behind her hair wrinkling her nose at another grown adult, who isn't having it. He still refuses to answer where his money comes from and she calls him fake. Noah gets all my props for talking like a real person; finances ARE a delicate subject and agrees that they are all colleagues and not necessarily going to be friends. Again: Court is high AF. His little squinty red eyes and constant nodding to his own rhythm tells me he is one baked Alaskan.

Noah has the most adorable puppy OZ; he calls his dad to let him know he will be hosting a GQ party as a celebrity. Um. Is he serving? Parking cars? Noah was the most adorable little kid, all chubby and cute and awwww. He's chasing status and I feel happy for him. His belleh is sick and he is kinda cute


Lena is doing a photo shoot for her website; she's invited Courtney as her high end male counterpart. She also wants Noah and Holly to take part, so Court gets on the horn and calls Noah, who tells him he has to think about it. He has a Jewish lawyer as his father and he has to think about his business decisions. Huh. Now. That was kind of shitty of Court to put him on the spot like that, and Lena is of course not going to PAY him,  but helping out a fellow trainer and getting your body seen, what's wrong with that? It's like blogging for free while your children sleep; I'm just happy people are reading my shite.  Money would just hurt my feelings. And paint my nails or something, I dunno. Pfft

In Union Square Joe and ChubLindsey hang out, he asks if she's here to find out his money trail and guuuurlll, we all know she's just interested in his Treasure Trail, ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. Here is what happens is what always happens: he tells her where his money comes from. That's what happens when you are attacked! The attackee WANTS to explain,  but on their own terms. And they can't do it immediately,  because then they're giving in to being attacked. But mark my words! Have a friend (not a close one) hurl insults at someone about their seeming lack of empathy over a celebrity illness or where they get their money from;  watch them get mad and dig in. Then you go back a day or so later all chill-like and watch them shout explicitly about those very issues they swore they would never address. It's human nature! We all abhor a void. Anyway, he bought an apartment in Miami during the recession blah blah mortgage blah blah.

He opens up about his family, which sounds complicated. 6 kids, two moms and two dads. One dad was a heroin addict, as were all the men on that side of his family. He's from Jersey and I'm not making any culturally insensitive comments because AJ is from New Jersey and her photographs are AMAZING. HE calls it white trash and drunky but I love what his brother said to him to get him to leave town: "there's nothing here for you; get out and don't come back. Anyone who complains about you not coming back doesn't care about your future". That.is.awesome.

Holly time! She's meeting Audrey the photographer for lunch, since Courtney forced her to call, ostensibly for a photo shoot but really to get some "coffee". And then Audrey's boyfriend calls. I've never actually seen anyone's face fall like that before. Holly is disappoint. Her gaydar broke.

Training montage! Tighten it up! Noah meets Courtney, who says he has The Ebola, and Joe; Court is still hoping to use Noah's juice to slide Lena into the big time, I would suggest Joe instead. I think he's hungrier. They're trying on shoes and Joe once again has to explain his clothes to Noah. I dig that Noah is so chill, he doesn't mock, just laughs a bit and moves on. Joe is also cool like that; he doesn't mind the laughing and he's totally down with wearing women's shoes, as his style transcends gender. If we're talking Fendi escapadrilles, that is.

They ARE kinda metro!

Court presses Noah about Lena's website photoshoot and he politely declines. It's a sponsor issue; he is aligned with products and he doesn't know who's payroll she's on, etc etc. TweakyCourt is skeptical and Joe is straight up tripping with his one brand and the other brand and go to this brand website blah blah. Bish pleez. Go chew on a Fendi escapadrille. Ain't nobody even AXED you.

Lena is ready for her photo shoot, y'all! I have never seen stripper fitness competitor ginch before.
Do you think it's necessary to show quite that much bagina? I'm asking for reals! Is that standard? She does have an insane body, and dat bum! Sorry, I couldn't find a pic or screenshot, the front of her bikini was about 3 inches high.

Jay shows up at Layla's apartment; he wants to know why she was looking at him screaming ''faster, deeper, more more!!'' at Noah. She just says that is just her! Of course it is! She calls herself a natural born troublemaker and honestly. Whatever. They make up; she offers him the best beej ever as an apology and he looks confused. Here they are presumably on the way to the party


GQ Partay! Noah is wearing his good camouflage Henley (is he Canadian? Must check) and being just slightly obnoxious. The rest of the team shows up and Courtney is wearing his good mesh shirt and is high again. Is Bravo trolling us? Is this really Intervention? Does everyone have their letters telling Court how much we love him and how he is in a safe space?

He complains to Holly and Layla about Noah and Joe not being on Lena's website and Holly can't understand why they don't want to be in front of a camera. I knew she would feel like that, she's super supportive of everyone as a group and individually, I just knew she would lend all her star power to any one that wanted it.

Noah is drinking a little to celebrate and just...name drops and self-promotes and even Holly thinks it's too much. And she's super nice, so it must be hella obvious to everyone else. I think those of us that were once really far out of the norm with our weight or looks or raised poor or things like that will ALWAYS be chasing validation. It's the nature of the human beast.

Jay shows up looking adorable; we get three seconds of that before drunk Courtney starts yelling about Joe and Noah not helping out his girl Lena. He's all slurry and Noah, again to his credit, is talking rationally and addressing what CGurl is saying, but is starting to realise he needs to separate. He's working right now and getting into a drunken brawl with Courtney will not look good. You know what does look good?

Court not talking or visibly under the influence

Holly pulls Noah aside to say ''hey, stop being a dick by talking about your ''brand'' and take the photo, you arsehole'' but she is tipsy too and says it all wrong. Noah respectfully disagrees and everyone leaves. I am disappoint. Noah is really growing on me, though! He just needs to take it down a scootch on the self-congratulation. What do you guys think?

8 comments:

  1. Yassss. This time I jotted down my thoughts as I watched. Here are my mindless musings:

    -L-diff edit with outfits, wth is up with her boob pads
    -Really, having this convo in front of client?
    -It really isn't her business how he has money. Mind yo own!
    -Watches on two wrists?
    +You can ask, but yelling and demanding is crossing the line
    +Fancy work out top, linds. Great boob support
    -Are his toe nails painted?
    -Tribe anklet?
    -Totes gay.
    -Holly is made of steel
    -I don't see Holly's new crush going well
    -Fuuuck waking up at 6am to exercise
    -I like Lindseey. Cat typo but it stays.
    -I hate her haircut though.
    -I might do those handwalks at home. -Ha! Who am I kidding.
    -Jay needs to quit with the roid rage
    -Gawd Laila is awful
    -AS Jay angrily pumps a resistance band up and down
    -Throw a tantrum in public once, fine. Twice? BYE
    -Fighting in public is equally as uncool
    -Laila- I'm just naturally a self absorbed attention whore
    -Nice apology laila
    -Bottom line: you don't scream at someone and demand they tell you how they make their money. Quit with your "fake people" shit. Did I mention I hate Laila?
    -What's with the socks pulled over the sweat pants look?
    -Noah's got some big hair. The bigger the hair the closer to God!
    -these people must have a speakerphone heads up. I don't always talk shit, but when I do I'm unknowingly on speakerphone
    -Joe used to be hot. Then I saw his tribal anklet
    -Hair so shiny. Hair so hard. Hair look like frozen lard.
    -#humblebrag
    -Wth is an old gold royal oak? Will I ever know?
    -2 years and you'd think Lindsey would be in better shape #sorrynotsorry
    -they're all dead. Dead white trash. Don't hold back, Joe
    -We get it! You are white trash
    -not to be a Laila but how did he pay for that $300,00 Miami condo? My student loans want to know
    -No respectable hipster NY fitness enthusiast drinks soy #estrogen
    -Vibes man. Holly is all about vibes but can't feel that Audrey(?) Is giving her none
    -Ah the classic boyfriend calling
    -And with that, Holly shuts down
    -So much neon in the fitness world
    -So many tall socks in the fitness world
    -Are they meeting in DSW?
    -Shorts with LEGGINGS? And I thought wearing tights with jean skirts in high school was bad
    -Noah sure loves that leather jacket
    -These work out clothes look so fancy
    -Noah don't want to commit because he's hoping for that Lulu Lemon deal
    -OK, I get it. Don't do the local car lot commercial in hopes you'll snag a Ford spot
    -Do they even know Lena? I have yet to see them in a scene together and in Bravo terms, that means not friends.
    -Laila, if its like this after 2 months you need to say goodbye
    -I don't even like you but you don't deserve this crazy jealousy
    -Did Jay not know who she was before they started dating? Dating at first sight?
    - if Jay cut his hair I'd be about that
    -its a conversation, not a filibuster
    -Open a gym together? You can't even open a conversation
    -I get why Jay is mad but dude, you knew what you were getting into
    -How do I get invited to these fancy events?
    -My work events have nothing on this
    -Courtney is not a very big dude. He looks taller
    -Wait, what does Noah have to do with this event again?
    -Is it that bad to say, "how else can I help her besides possibly compromising my other contracts?"
    -Again, are Noah and Joe even friends with Lena?
    -Am I wrong in thinking they aren't wrong?

    OK now to read the recap!

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    Replies
    1. That first bullet should read Laila, not L

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    2. Woot! Lots of notes! In the interest of full disclosure I have to say:

      -it's Lindsay, I've been spelling it wrong this whole time

      -she favourited the tweet of the recap, sooooo she probably read all that and it took everything I had to not go in and change everything I wrote about her, except for the part where I said I thought she was cute and nice. I did not realise it had been two years though, so I feel slightly less bad

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    3. Ooohhhh no. I really do like you Lindsay! My cats spelt your name wrong, it wasn't me I swear!

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  2. I'm with Noah in all this. If he has signed on with other brands and companies he could get in big trouble and blow everything he's worked for.

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    Replies
    1. I get why Lena and Courtney are asking if he's got juice, but does Lena even have a brand? I got the impression she's just starting out. And no, I don't think I've seen them all together in the same room

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    2. Noah was saying something about not knowing what products she was using and what brand she was with. My brief foray into acting taught me that if he works with...idk Nike and films a video with Adidas equipment than that's a breach of contract. I get helping out friends and supporting each other but I'm with Noah on this, especially if she isn't anything more than a friend of his coworkers.

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    3. I get that part, but I also get Holly's point: he got where he is because of people like her helping HIM out. So ask for more info

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