Sunday, 20 December 2015

BRR Work Out New York Recap S1:E3 Spot Me, Bro!

We're back with our rowdy gang of fitness gurus, who have (hopefully) slept off the free GQ booze and are ready to werk.


We open with Noah narrating about the rise of the fitness personality and again, I gotta wonder. I mean, we all know of Jillian Michaels and her adorable bebehs, and Jackie Warner OF COURSE


But how many other super famous fitness trainers are there? Noah thinks he's one, and I do love how he encourages his masochists to "reach for the sky and...be glorious in the ATTEMPT" but I still don't know if I could pick him out of a lineup, farty or otherwise. Awwww, baby he's a firrrreeewoooorkkk. He does have a sick body, but I don't know if he's goin up up upppp. This is him in the promo shot

Heeeey
Noah does have a great puppy, Oz gets a lot of attention and I dig that. He revisits the problems with drunk Courtney and Holly at the GQ party just as Joe calls. Now. I kinda thought the Kardashians poisoned the brand well with all their talk about it, but Noah figures he and Joe have the same brand plans and they apparently don't think it's as stupid as I do. They're gonna work out and discuss on a brodate

Joe wants to do a Glamout workout! Somehow I pictured more hairspray. Joe is wearing a see through Kanye gym shirt (he likes sheer) and his nips are making Noah feel funny in his pants.

It's a sheer tunic! For working out, because of course it is
Nobody else in the gym gets it. Noah and Joe talk about their plans for product launches, fitness boutiques and blah blah Imma side eye their big ideas while I blog for free while my children sleep. Joe opens up about not having a positive male role model and Noah misses his fambly so they decide to be each other's fambly! Awwww! Then Joe the business magnate says he's a very perplex person and Noah wins my cold dead heart when he corrects him. Complex, dude. Complex. Because Noah did it to his face! And didn't make a big deal out of it! Noah: good dude. And thank god, because he and Lindsey are the only ones that seem like actual decent peeps. Did I mention his ripply bits?

Very "military-look" back-page outcall ad looking
Now we're in Queens with Lena and her yellow muscle car; she complains about her website photoshoot not going as well as she wanted because not enough dewds. Now. That was all Courtney winding her up, in this


Lena!! Why are you taking career advice from a man who would walk out the door wearing gloves, animal print AND gold lame?? I mean. Anyway. She's training on the beach with a Rock-looking trainer who puts her through the paces. JFC I can't shade Court for that outfit any more, ALL the clothes are awful. Court compares her to Rocky Balboa and I just can't even.

Jay has a client and when did we start caring about what Jay is doing? Isn't he just there to give Layla something to talk about other than her ass? Courtney is training his client and still hasn't got his shoulder checked out. He can barely keep his eyes open and I'm trying to decide if Hungover or High Again. Court is bitching to Jay about Noah and honestly, jelly is not your colour. You're 35 with a bum shoulder and a $500/day habit; worry about yoself, Court.

Speaking of! In walks Noah, who Courtney immediately hugs. Noah isn't having it, though, and braces him about his behaviour at the GQ (WHERE'S MAH CHEQUE??) party and may have called himself a Mama Bear who strikes. Which means he either needs to stop waxing or he's mixed his metaphors. Courtney doesn't hear him cause he's tired or high.

Oh. Layla time. Somehow Jay has left his client and ended up in Layla's bed. Can I get Continuity on the phone, pleez? She twerks in front of the oven because of course she does, and even though she apparently doesn't own a coffee pot (for REALS), interviews that they're gonna open up a boutique gym together. Sounds legit. When Layla isn't being obnoxious and Fun and Hot, I can actually stand her! ^5!!

Holly meets Courtney for brekkie and wastes no time calling him out for his tiny red pee-holes in the snow peepers. Holly is just not into new people right now, she tahred and since Audrey and the gaydar fail, she's just got no time fo dat. As she's going on about leaving it all on the spin class floor, a random woman walks up and hugs her. CASE IN POINT!

Lindsey comes over to Lena's, who is spray painted like an Oompa Loompa and it looks like she's making the mistake all new Toddlers And Tiaras contestants do: going cheap and doing it all herself. She's bedazzled her bikini bra and I dunno, man. Judges can smell budget a mile away. I gather Lindsey and Lena are good friends, and Courtney as well of course. Still no word if Lena actually even knows Noah or Joe, other than helping Layla interrogate him about his finances.

Back at the Rec Centre basement gym, in walks Miss USA! She did pick Noah to train her for Miss Universe after all, and he runs some diagnostics on her body. She's so cute, but I bet she's there for the Bravo cameras more than anything. I do hear that all publicity is good publicity, though.

Joe is having a business meeting with his partners, who exist and everything! Hey, we getta see pair of shoes # 425! They're gold Delacroix

Wings optional
They discuss the website progress and the gym and blah blah while Joe shops online for shoes. His partners are sooooooo soooo very gay. And are soooooo buying him these shoes

And I don't gettit. I mean, he's pretty


But.

Courtney is finally seeing a doctor about the Shoulder Of Doom, and no joke, I heard that is the most complicated joint in the human body. Holly has pushed him into it, and he justifies his avoidance by talking about other people taking his spot and surely every single adult in the world knows that ignoring an injury just makes it compound, right? There is no walking it off. There is only the making it worse and that much harder to come back from. The doctor checks him out and Holly and I are quite concerned by one of the range of motion tests wherein he can't move his forearm out from his elbow at ALL. The doc figures surgery and arthritis is what he's looking at, more tests and x-rays coming up.

Fitness Competition Day! Lena calls Courtney to ask to come and get ready at his apartment, at least she's hired hair and makeup people. That's another mistake those Toddlers & Tiaras newbs make: oh I'll just do it myself! Enjoy your participation trophy, ya cheap bastage. Anyway, they gossip about Lindsey and Courtney's shoulder, did you know Court used to be a university cheerleader?? When Lena squees and asks to see videos, Courtney says this was before videos and AMEN TO THAT. I thank sweet bebeh Thor everyday that all of my shenanigans were pre-video days. Can I get a praise Bob up in here?

Layla called Jay's style pilates-based and Imma have to call it Percoset-based. He's leading a class or hypnotising them?? No, apparently that WAS pilates, something called SLT and it looks hella tough but he's just so mellow. Lots of working against your body weight. Layla is in the class and back to being Layla, yaaaay. She talks after to Jay about her Mama Love who calls him Prince and I'm just not typing that again.

Performance time! Lena's family has shown up to support her and we all get a little misty when she tears up thanking her dad. Awww she's got a good fambly unit. And a bagina she talks to, later. I don't know what that is. They do spend an awful lot of time showing us her butt getting spray tanned, it's an awesome butt, Lena! I do not know if I would want to walk around in an invisible bikini in front of my family, but really, not even one part of that sentence would ever happen ANYWAY so she might as well enjoy the support.

Lindsey is waiting outside the competition trying to get Court on the horn; he isn't coming and doesn't give much of an excuse. Lindsey says he tends to jam and I'm guessing that's the drugs, but it still sucks he's leaving Lena hanging. Lena is disappointed and distracted, but Lindsey isn't giving up on Joe's presumably adorable peen; she's invited him as her plus one for the competition. Guuuuuurl, unless you're gonna buy him some really expensive ugly gold shoes, he isn't doing NUTHIN with you. Out comes Lena! Dat bawday!


She places third and her family is ECSTATIC! I love that, she has a great support system in Lindsey and her peeps. Still not entirely sure what Lindsey is doing on this show; except to maybe be the straight man who coaxes out all the good shite? Time will tell! What didja think??

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