Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Beckymae Recaps Vanderpump Rules: S4:E10 No Strings Attached


Ermagerd! It's finally here, the episode we have all been waiting for! My breath is so baited I could catch 100 Chilean Sea Bass for the S.U.R specials menu! Is Schwartz gonna grow a big, hairy pair and propose to Waitey Katie???


For those who don't religiously watch VPR, last year Schwartz, living and breathing embodiment of Charlie Brown, was being endlessly hassled by both Stassi, the Witch Queen of New Orleans and his patient GF Katie to bite the bullet and propose. He vacillated like the nonce he is, broke out in numerous clammy sweats and then finally....


Yes, folks, he gave her a ring....on...a...string....

This went down like a cup of cold sick, as you can imagine. They almost broke up but then somehow righted themselves to be on their current path of True Love which culminated in Schwartz's exquisite 'Bubba' ass tattoo. I love these two crazy kids!

We open with Schwartz visiting Lisa VDP to discuss the sangria line, he appears to not know anything at all about it which is something that Lisa VDP picks up on pretty quickly.

"What's the red made out of?" POP QUIZ Schwartz!

*CRICKETS*...the 'herpderp' is strong in this one...

Turns out that it's not the sangria line he wants to discuss but his imminent proposal to Katie. First thing we get to see is THE RING!

Not a string in sight, nice one HerpyDerpy

The box appears to have a light in it, no? Is this the latest thing for rings? Seems I am out of the loop but, good for him, it makes that ice looks biiiiig.

Good old Herpy is beaming with pride as he 'feels like he got something right', god love him. It's a pretty good achievement but as far as life goals go, I am not sure this one should be as high as he deems it. Lisa gushes like a mad woman over the ring and calls it 'sweet and SO Katie', which is code for "I wouldn't be caught dead with that tiny chip on my hand".

Herpy wants to 'Schwartzify' the proposal, Lord only knows what that means but apparently it's going to involve an element of surprise.....ruh-roh...

Next up we see the Other Tom and Ariana-Daria making an appointment at the tattoo removal clinic to rid himself of the Guy Fieri themed 'A' tattoo he got on his ass in Vegas with Herpy last week.

Baconator A

Turns out he might have an allergy to the red ink in the tatt, so the doctor (are they doctors??) recommends waiting to get it removed and, so long as he doesn't sunbathe nude, there will be no issues. Except that Sandoval is still one of these ancients who uses a tanning bed to 'prep' his skin for holidays. Prep your skin? What an idiot....you're just prepping your skin for cancer and Doc De-Tattoo agrees. "Who even does that anymore?" oh, the shade of it all. To top it all off, he's up for $1,000 and 18 months worth of feeling like he's had red hot pokers vying for his pussy-bow ;)

Bend over forwards, this won't hurt a bit...

Now it's time for Jax the Nose's weird non-date with Lalalaaaa. I say 'non' because Princess Scheana and Krazy Kristen are both there, mostly because Jax realises that the whole of L.A would side-eye him if it was just with Lalalaaaa. Kentucky is zooming her way over the country to him in her hot pink pick up, so the pretense is less than reassuring...

Jax tells KKK about the enormous blow up from the previous evening about the guest list for Jax and Sandoval's joint birthday party which went Code Red when Jax said he wanted to invite KKK and he was backed up by everyone except Sandoval and Ariana-Daria. All KKK wants to know is is she or isn't she invited, putting rubber-armed Jax in a predicament.


"I'm going to fight for you!" he declares. "I'll fight and I'll fight and I'll fight!"

Princess Scheana has a good point...KKK will come to the party if she's invited, disinvited or not even fucking invited at all, chica is like tinea at a German Youth Hostel, everywhere you go, it'll be there...waiting.

Lalalaaa turns up, she's having issues with the really flat floor so she's obviously rolling or had at least 7 drinks before arriving. KKK immediately goes in with how much she really doesn't care if Lalalaaa is fucking DJ TFB or not (she totally does) but Lalalaaa is all like...

WTF?

The shots just keep a coming, Jax is getting redder and sweatier whilst Lalalaaa feeds him small pieces of fruit on sticks. This is not...going...to...end...well...


Oh Jax......

Things get pretty hot and heavy on Jax and Lalalaa's side of the table whilst things get verrrrry judgy on the Princess Scheana and KKK side of it.

If looks could kill

Back at Special Unique Restaurant, Sandoval is smashing Sambuca all over the bar whilst Katie looks on, wistfully hoping that the Toms can commit to something like the VDP Sangria line. This makes Lisa smirk as she knows what level commitment that Schwartz is about to embark on and Sandoval smirks because he is the Engagement Ninja Accomplice. Oh dear god....


Back in the S.U.R parking lot, where all the action happens, poor Kentucky has turned up in her white Corolla filled with box upon box of her belongings. Jax looks like he's going to vomit, shiz just got real, he has an actual, live in gurlfren now....

Kentucky comes into the bar and is quizzed by James as to her living arrangements, looking like the cat who got the cream she swings an arm Jax's way. "With this one!"

Cat that got the cream or naive young thing with parasites in her future??

Of course, Lalalaaa was skulking in the background, witnessing it all and DJ TFB cannot wait to ponce over shouting "I TOLD YA SOOOOO!!" Lalalaaa is happy that she didn't take Jax home the night before, mostly because she wouldn't have remembered the sexing but also because he obvs has a GF even though he professes not to. The moral compass of this one is schizo!

DJ TFB cannot believe that Lalalaa would flirt with 'snotnose' Jax rather than fuck him but, in the world of Lalaaaa they are "one step up from cuddle buddies, one step below fuck buddies...we're Netflix and chill,"


Jax goes to Lisa VDP's office to beg to take pretty much her entire staff to Waikiki for his and Sandoval's birthday. I've often wondered how her restaurants operate when these jaunts happen...temp staff? Oompa Loompas? Ghosts? Jax wants to invite her adopted son Max too because he is 'hanging out' with Faith No More a lot. Lisa doesn't like this at all because she knows the kind of idiotic things they all get up to like impregnating cocktail waitress and getting dodgy ass tatts.

 Lalalaaa and Faith No More are having the best night in ever...vats of Grey Goose with pepperoni pizza, yummmmm that is MY kinda party! Most of the pepperoni we get in Australia is bullshit...it's 'chorizo' or some kind of lame salami...this stuff is the real deal! Get in ma belly!

Lalalaaa has 'news' for Faith...she 'touched James' pee-pee'....

Yup, this face is pretty much all of us right now

Faith immediately wants to know how big it is and I immediately want to plug my goddamn ears up, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This information never needs to be known...

Lalalaaa says she got a text from Jax at 3am telling her to 'come and get in my bed right now.' She feels bad about flirting because she would never have flirted had she known how serious Jax and Kentucky were. I mean, she knew that they were dating so I think she broke that code anyway, right? Really, I do not understand US dating stuff...it's all so bloody odd.

Princess Scheana and Waity Katie head over to Krazy Kristen's apartment and marvel and her high ceilings and books that say "People I want to punch in the face" on the cover. KKK is making 'no carb, no meat, no fun' lasagne which just makes me really, really incredibly sad.


The girls deliver the news that Sandoval doesn't want Kristen at his joint birthday party. They seem rather up in arms about this but I totes get it, if it was my party I wouldn't my krazy ex there, krazying up the place. Team Sandoval on this one. KKK takes it well and says she is 'giving up on Hawaii'. Hmmmmm...

The Toms get together for some proposal coaching and outfit styling. It's kinda cute and I agree when Sandoval tells Schwartz that the best way to surprise is 'ring then mini-speech', can't lead with the mini-speech then she will be onto you right away! Cue the old time photos of these two who found each other on Craigslist :)


Same age, same first name, same initials=true love

Back at S.U.R, DJ TFB is checking the roster, seems he assumed that he would be off and going to Hawaii but Lisa has a truth bomb for him......bwahahahahah, you ain't going to no party Big Boy! Massive hissy tanty ensues, eyes head off in different directions. Oh yes, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that you would be going to the birthday of someone who really loathes you, of course!

Herpy Derp 2?

It's here, the moment we have been waiting for over FOUR seasons of Vanderpump Rules! YAY!


Schwartz looks pained, he is sweating like Jax at a lesbian roller derby, his 100% TopShop clothes look too tight and his hair is the flattest we have seen it.

So much face fiddling...

After what seems like a million years of small talk and eating....it's time! Schwartz is packing death by this time...he can't breathe, the face fiddling escalates, his tongue lolls out of his mouth...


and then....at another table....

THUNDER STOLEN!

or is it??

He does it!

Ok, stick the tongue back in Schwartz...

Katie's brain starts exploding, I'm not sure that she actually believes her floppy haired, commitment-phobic beau really had it in him.


I don't actually hear her say 'yes' but some celebratory mariachi musicians walk up and everyone starts kissing them and stuff, so I guess it's on? Mazel tov!


See youse all next week for the Princess Scheana vs Ariana-Daria bitchfight!! xoxo BM





14 comments:

  1. That is the derpiest face ever. Does he always look like that?

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    1. Yep, pretty much....he's like a big, wet puppy...all eager to please with his tongue hanging out....

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  2. Yaaayyyy congrats OtherTom and WaityKatie!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHA like tinea in a german hostel hahahahha

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  3. I'll admit, Schwartz had me going! I cringed hard when he overreacted to the other couples engagement and shrieked and buried my face when it turned out to be part of his. Gold! Pure gold!

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    1. Hehehe yeah, he really pulled one out of the bag there!

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  4. I'm still 95% sure Schwartz is gay but I do really like their relationship. Whatever it is, it works and they seem to get each other.

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    1. I really really like them as a couple!

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    2. He doesn't really ping my gaydar at all but essentially he's probably too lazy to be gay, takes him for hundred years to do anything!

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  5. How in the hell did those grown ass adults chug 15 shots in one sitting? GAG

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    1. Back In The Day my tolerance was pretty high, I could have for sure but, by my mid 30's the downward slice started. That's what Jax is in, The Downward Slide....so much sweat and facial rosecea!

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    2. My liquor intolerance hit around 23, after that its been migraines and endess puking. Beer and wine for me!

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    3. That sad part is it took me until 25 to realize liquor totally destroys me.

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    4. Oh no! I can drink vodka till the cows come home but I am Polish descent....

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