Friday, 1 January 2016

BRR American Horror Story:Hotel S5:E5 Room Service

Hello there!  Ready to check in? 
We start this episode with Alex reading her temperature at 75.5 degrees Fahrenheit.  She’s at the hospital in her doctor’s jacket looking very ill.  Poor measles boy is getting worse, he’s contracted pneumonia and staff and he's about to die.  Alex promises distraught mamma she’ll figure something out.  We see her next guzzling blood from donation bags in a closet like a junkie guzzling moonshine.  She then injects her own blood into the dying boy who then thrashes and opens his eyes wide. 

Ex boy toy barges into Ramona Royale’s mansion with his newly turned mamma who looks awful.  He offers her up to “take down the countess”, Gaga.  He tells her Iris is an insider that Gaga never pays attention to and he also wants revenge since she dumped him.  Ramona agrees to the plan happily.

Back at the hospital, Measles Boy is perfectly fine and eating his favorite jalapeno cheddar chips.  Idiot anti-vax mom hugs Alex and they happily go home.  Uhhhh, this can’t end well, isn’t he now a feeder with the ancient blood disease?  Ruh oh, Alex what have you done?

Iris walks into the Hotel Cortez looking like death warmed over, shaking like a leaf.  Liz Taylor sees her and knows right away what she is and what she needs.  He pours her a martini glass full of blood with a “drop of Triple Sec” and she immediately feels better.  He tells her it will only hold her for a few and that she’ll need to feed on real humans soon.  The thought is distasteful to her.  Iris tells him there’s nothing in this world left for a woman of her age and how it’s so ironic that she’s stuck forever in her old self. 

Well see, that’s what I thought.  Measles Boy has killed his mom and dad and sucked them dry.  He smiles and jumps on the school bus.  Oy.  It’s still Halloween and the boy is at school in class.  Him and his favorite little girl sneak off in the closet and during a little kiss he bites her lip.  She’s surprised and asks if he bit her, he replies “Now you can taste my blood,” and she kisses him again.  Next thing you know the teacher notices they're missing, finds girly sick with measles, Measles Boy stabs the teacher, telling his girl to drink her blood so she’ll feel terrific.  A teacher in the hall sees another boy fall out of the class ALSO sick with the measles, he walks in and finds the whole class sick on the floor with measles and also finds girly drinking teacher's blood and also finding a knife in his neck.  Measles Boy tells his fellow students to drink his blood and they all attack him whilst he’s still alive.  Ick.

Meanwhile in the school office, the ladies are laughing it up when the bloody teacher manages to make it to the glass window.  They let him in and call for a school lock down.  The swat team arrives where they let all the turned kiddies out to their parents (good job Doctor Alex, what have you unleashed).  The kids tell the cops it was all done by one man dressed in black with a mask on.

Sad Cop tells his boss that he thinks the murders happening are recreations of all of the serial killers that he dined with that night.  He says he knows they are copy cat killers and not the real OG murderers, but he knows he’s onto something.  Boss says you’re a loon, you’re fired, now get out!  

Oh heeeeey Darren Criss (I miss your booytiful voice with Kurt, yo!)  enters the Hotel Cortez with his girlfriend and they are right away obnoxious and snotty with Iris, making outrageous, entitled demands, “Can we get like, way better sheets?  I mean like poly blend?”  “Are these the only towels, they're made up of sandpaper or something.”  Iris leaves, her nerves rattled by the brats.  Out walks Gaga and Tristan all dressed up in Victorian costumes.  They seem to sense something different about Iris, and they both go in for a closer look.  Tristan comments that she smells different and Gaga notes she’s nervous.  Liz watches in amusement.  The pair leave without further mention. 

The brats call and order a plate of grilled romaine.  Iris says she doesn’t have any and he demands patè.  She’s on her last nerve and starts crying.  Liz dumps a small can of cat food onto a plate and he says they just need to feel fancy, they’ll eat whatever is put in front of them. "Bitches want patè, patè they shall have." Iris tells him that they have talked now more than in their whole twenty years working together.  She tells him she’s not homophobic and he says he’s not gay.  She has questions and he tells her his story. 

It starts in 1984.  He’s married and watching The Facts of Life, while his wife and boy stay to the sidelines.  He says he only married his wife because she was the same drees size as him.  Haha.  He was a medical rep and he flew out of town all the time.  He uses his alone time in his hotel rooms to dress up in women’s clothes.  He says he never felt more free.  Gaga arrives during one of these stays, scaring him half to death but she tells him she’s been watching him, that “he walks like a man, talks like a man, but smells like a woman.”  He cries alarmed, “I smell of Paco Rabanne!”  “Not your skin, your blood.”  She touches his heart with her hand softly. And it’s very moving, he breaks down and cries on his knees holding her and telling her he’s so ugly.  She tells him she’ll help him, that he needs to become a Goddess.  They bond and she does him all up finally donning him “Liz Taylor out of Butterfield 8”.  He won’t go to the club with her, but she talks him into going out into the hallway dressed as Liz.  He sashays down that hall and  Of COURSE his idiot work cronies see him and start calling him homophobic names and asking him if he’s got AIDS.  He tries to tell them he’s not gay, but to no avail, they harass him until Gaga kills them DEAD with her awesome knife finger. 

Back at the Hotel Cortez he tells Iris that Gaga did not infect him, he just works for her.  He sent child support until the kids were of age.  Iris tells him he’s brave, but he tells her she is and to take control, starting with those brats in the room treating her like crap.  She serves them the kitty pate’ and they give her more crap about the missing romaine lettuce.  They keep on and on until she snaps and pokes the girlfriend in the neck with the corkscrew, then offing Darren right after.   “YOU THINK THE WORLD DIDN’T EXIST BEFORE YOU WERE BORN?”  Hahaha

Sad Cop wakes with Sally lying beside him in his bed post-coital.  He has a vision of drinks and a scene of the poky-poky with her against a wall.  He tells her to go and she perma-cries and calls him a prick.  He lies and says he doesn’t remember anything and she calls him out, saying they will keep on because it’s they’re destiny.  Huh.

Iris and Liz bond some more over the bloody, dead bodies, rolling them down the hall to send them down the chute with the others.  Buh bye brats.  They laughingly finish their good wine that they never had a chance to drink.  I like these new best buddies!

Gaga brings Holden to his other mother, Alex.  They are both dressed in black, like they’re ready for a funeral.  Holden tells her she's just like him now and Gaga says she can stay as long as she likes if she follows the rules.  Her job is to care for the kidlings.  Feed, bathe and care for them.  She agrees and off they go to the coffin in the dry pool.  Mother and son cuddle together in the satin lined bed, the pillow initialed now with an H and an A, content as can be.

1 comment:

  1. I just don't get the blood drinking...I know high blood sugar actually means your blood is thick and sweet, but I've never heard of trying to alter the flavour! Is is like eating a lot of pineapple...?

    Thanks again for taking the AHS bullet, yo. Would ALWAYS rather read this than see the guzzling my own self