Friday, 8 January 2016

BRR Top Chef Recap S13:E5 Big Gay Wedding

I missed you so much Top Chef!! I hope you had a great holiday, Tom and gang, let's get right to it!

Last week Jeremy nailed it again and Grayson's angry butt was sent packing. Marjorie is a really good support for also-in-the-bottom Angelina and I dig that, yo!

Challenge time! The chefs walk into the kitchen to see Chrissy Teigen with her bewbs out standing next to the counters all sultry-like, Kwame is 'CITED. Jason ehhhh.

Chrissy says dates are sweet and succulent and sticky, "just like you" simpers Padma. That's it, I've hit my lame limit, step it up, TC. I can't pander to this shite. ANYWAY, the challenge is to use these "jewels of the dessert" to recreate their best non-fruit dates. Jason, just make it work. It's a Quickfire Challenge, 30 minutes!

Dangit! It's been three weeks, I can't remember anyone's dang NAMES! Oh! Carl! It's Carl from Bahstan and he says his best date was when he bought tickets for the ballet and planned a big night and...had to get his tonsils removed right before so spent the night at home watching TV with his lady, who fed him a big soothy milkshake. Awwww Date Milkshake coming up!

Isaac has been married for 10 years and his best date was their tenth anniversary in Paris, where they had great wine and food and something with currants. I do not like currants, they get in mah teef worse than chia seeds.

Jeremy's freaking out because someone is touching his burners, it's ol messy Giselle is spilling all over his work space and he can't have that!! Totes agree,  keep it clean, Giselle, and on YOUR SIDE.

Jason has been with his partner for 17 years, holy cow, that's a hella long time for someone who looks as young as Jason. Doesn't he look just like Ethan Hawke here??

He's making cumin-scented carmelized carrots and sure. Giselle has been blind-dating up a storm for awhile now and calls her last date sweet...and a little spicy, which means she banged him under the stars in the fancy convertible?

Chad is making food for his favourite dates: his daughters.  Awwww! Sophia and Bella are adorable and they aren't responsible for those names, so I won't even pick, but am totes side-eyeing Chad.

Phillip met his wife working at Stefan from TC S5, which just goes to proving what Becks and I were saying about working in the hospitality industry and what happens. It's just different in that his wife married her ShameShag, instead of just ignoring for two weeks in the smoke pit like the rest of us.

Marjorie isn't into dating, she's too busy working at every single restaurant in the Top Chef universe.

Angelina has a boyfriend in no hurry to get married and I hope she isn't either;  she's 24! Don't do that!!

Kwame, well, he gets all jumpy when Padma walks in and I'm guessing the poor guy just needs to get laid. He says he can be super duper romantic as required and he about pees himself watching Chrissy taste his food later. Fast finishing montage!

The dishes!

In the bottom are Carl's boring milkshake and Chad's bitter orange halibut and in the top are Jason and Isaac. Jason's charred cumin carrots (say that 10 times fast! NOW SOLDIER!!) and Padma making heart hands re: char makes me stabby beyond belief but Chrissy Teigen drooling all over Isaac's crispy chicken makes me punchy. It was a very violent judging for me. Jason Hawke wins, yay! It's his first, whuuuttt?? How is that possible?? He has immunity, anyway, yay!

And now for the Elimination (real) Challenge! Art Smith walks in and apparently he's a big deal because all the chefs look like they've swallowed their tongues. He looks like Colonel Sanders but has cooked for President Obama, and he wants them to cook for 25 big gay weddings. Also: Padma is now an ordained minister and will be officiating! Imma come from a place of love and not comment on that because she looks ecstatic.

Art Smith and his hubs will be renewing their vows and it's making Karen all misty-eyed. It's her and her partner's first anniversary this month and maybe I cry too. There were onions being cut there!!! I wish Frances was here for this challenge, she had a big gay wedding too.

The chefs won't have to bake the cake, thank you sweet baby jeebus, but they do have to plan a whole wedding food service for 25 couples in two hours WITHOUT client input...jeez. Phillip is excited, Marjorie is focused and Kwame is just there to help, y'all. This is a lot of cooks working on the same broth as well, I dunno maybe..

Whole Food time!! Isaac waxes poetic about his smoked chicken and dirty rice and are you flirting with me, young man?? He is an actual minister, Shotgun Weddings are his speciality!

Marjorie is feeling pretty confident doing dessert, even though it's known to sound the death knell for many a wannabe Top Chef. I'd worry about that tempting fate, but I really think she needs more confidence, so GO MARJORIE WITH YOUR BAD DESSERT MAKING SELF!

Carl wakes up and calls his wife for their third anniversary, awwww! They met at a dude ranch when they were 10 and awwww! Bahstan is romantic!

Jeremy is very excited about his spicy carrots and what's the deal with them all of a sudden?? I like raw carrots and steamed carrot with lemon and butter but I had no idea they could be Cuisine.

Kwame has travelled all over the world and is making a dish with shrimp and fish sauce that he first tried in Thailand. Wesley is feeling very provincial with his American French style cooking but inspired to travel by Kwame, so we'll see!

Gisele is worried about her asparagus salad, but she's willing to let Karen shine on this challenge, meaning asking her over and over and over again which is frustrating Karen. Just cook, yo!!

Jason and Angelina are working on a very precise dish called a caponet and it' not going well.

Phillip is making mashed potatoes. Yep, you read that right; Kwame can't believe it either. Isaac is making his all by himself because he doesn't play well with others. No shite, Isaac!

Wedding time! I may be crying already. I love weddings I don't have to attend or be part of!! TV weddings are perfect, I can drink all the way through and I can ffwd through speeches. It does look a bit like a fancy plumber's convention, and that's just the ladies, but nawwws, it's all awesome. Happy marriage day!! Alls the happy kissing, more crying from Canada.

Tasting time! Chad and Amar have done Amar's pork belleh again:

Jeremy's fancy carrots look lovely and are liked

Wesley & Kwame's shrimp is well received:

Jason and Angeina's something-or rather does fantastically

Isaac's Dirty Rice is loved

Karen & Giselle is not awesome:

Phillip's steak and raw, gummy potatoes are no bueno:

Marjorie and Carl's dessert is AMAZING:

Hugs and kisses and toasts for all! Love is love!! Moar Canadian tears.

Judging time! The winner is Wesley and Kwame's shrimp dish, yay! Art Smith chooses Kwame as the winner and even says he wants to hire him! Oooooh, Kwame was the saucier for the group and the one to watch, y'all. Not only Tom loves Kwame!

In the bottom are Phillip & Kwame for those potatoes and when Phillip tries to lie about his vision for the dish Jason and Marjorie jump on him with both feet. Wow, I don't think I've seen that before. And!! Unlike most reality shows, it isn't about throwing someone under the bus, it's about integrity and stepping up when it's important. Wait a minute! What if all under-the-bus-throwing is about that?? Mind=blown. Anyway! Phillip in troubbblllleeee.

Also in jeopardy are Karen and Giselle, whose communication errors are highlighted. Giselle thinks old Nothing's Wrong, I Totally Meant For Those Potatoes To Be Gummy Phillip is delusional and a weaker chef because he can't acknowledge his mistakes.

If they send Karen home and keep Giselle after all her mistakes, every dang episode....and they don't. They send Giselle home. I will miss her, she seemed okay and mostly harmless, but all over the place at the same time. She says she's a nice, honourable person and I think that is a mistake a lot of women make: thinking nice is more important that some other skills, like cooking asparagus properly, speaking truth to power and maintaining their own integrity. Bai Giselle, smell ya later!

And we oot! So happy to see our chefs again!


  1. Aw I don't think Sophia and Bella are bad names! I wouldn't name my kids that but that's only because I'm super cool and trendy and I shy away from popular content. Ha.

    1. Let's just say I know a LOT of baby Bellas and Sophias. And i can't see Bella without rolling my eyes and Sophia makes me think of Herschel's farm and makes me a sad panda

  2. Angelina needs to go! I'm tired of her sneaking by week after week.

    1. And complaining!! Can I just say that I love the editing on this show? Seems much less dramz-contriving than usual

  3. Somehow I didn't even notice Carl until this episode.